Saturday, February 17, 2007

once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart

There's distance again, between me and my demon. Distance I'm growing unwilling to lessen. Mainly because...after all the troubles we've had, and they have not been few...I'm getting tired of always being the one to initiate things. I'm always the one to mend the breach first. To step close and say, we need to talk.

Let him come to me for once. Maybe it'll teach him something.

In the meantime, there's a different kind of distance between me and the red-skinned sort. My young demon has gone MIA, and sadly, I'm wishing him only the best in his continuing to stay gone. I wish I had more of a resolution for the situation, but I don't.

I know two things at this point: our relationship will not be the same as it was, and...I don't particularly want him as a pet in my House. I feel as if my decisions were abrogated, as if he has been dictating to me what happens. In my own House. That doesn't work for me.

There's no specific distance between me and my neko lad, but there is discomfort. Two days into deciding on his latest proposal, he withdraws it. Asks me to forgive him. Says he's being selfish.

As if I wouldn't forgive him, but...it's just so odd.

There's some distance between my ex-dancer and myself, but he's still healing from a heart blow, and I'm doing my best to be understanding. It takes some time. This I know full well. The entirety of December I kept looking down, and being surprised I was still bleeding from the wound the vampire princeling had dealt me. So I can't begrudge him his time to heal.

The one thing I'm grateful for, actually...there is no distance between me and the darkened moon. He stands in shadow, but I see him in reflected light, and he shines to my eyes, if not to his own. We talked until last night became this morning, this morning, and there was much advancement of causes and resolution of goals and merry confusion on both sides.

In other news, popped up the new skybox, and...that one's going to be interesting. The inside of the top domes are transparent, so I can see the sky, it's like the top domes aren't even there. Currently, I have a black iron bed next to an H.R. Giger-inspired particle lamp, a fur throw, my two spiders, the jar of eyes, the princeling's soul on the pentagram table--along with the incense burner and the blessing candle--and a sunset-striped-with-blue rose that the demon thought I'd like.

He's right, I do. I've left it where it sits on the mossy ground, braced by my spiders, and it feels very soothing there. I'm happy with this new home, I think. More than I was about leaving the Lotus up and unregarded.

It's all a journey, right? We're just steadily leaving the whitewater shoals for the clear easy waters in the center of the stream. Of course there will be turbulence and chaos. Movement always carries change in its wake.

No comments: