Monday, February 12, 2007

where is all the hope that was in my heart?

And in the shadowed spaces, late at night, I reach out to the other voice that spins me sweet words and sanity, for all that I'm not at his side. He's made his position clear. Mine is muddied. Perhaps it shouldn't be, but...I overthink things. And I agonize. It's ever been my way.

He has a way of reinforcing clarity. He thinks he's all reflected light but he's not. The problem is...on my side, I think. And may yet remain so for some time.

So the dance continues. At this point it's an arabesque, at best, over a simple waltz. Waltzes, after all, have never needed figure-eight intricate maneuvers to add in other partners...

The list of other partners is dropping away, anyway. One's traveled far from my shore; one's been broken by another love and is slowly recovering; one I'm afraid to come near; one wants to restart the relationship long left behind, and I'm still figuring out in my own head where he fits in.

It makes me quite tempted to swear off relationshipping entirely. And I might do so were it not for the man of few words, and the neko who brings me healing. Oh, there's love in my heart for the rest, don't mistake me--but I feel safe with those two. Where I don't feel most safe with the others.

No time to build and walking around in the world is leaving me gasping for air. It's not playing out to be the best morning.

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