Wednesday, February 21, 2007

here in November in this house of leaves we'll pray

and he wants to talk

Of course he does. Of course the demon is not out of my life. Of course, it's not that easy.

Not that yesterday was, for anyone involved.

Just one more time
For the sake of sanity
Tell me why
Explain the gravity
That drove you to this
That brought you to this place
That pushed you down
Into the soil's embrace

But he wants to talk. And now the walls go up, and I must sigh and begin to climb. For my walls rising, that's instinct, self-preservation at its most primal, and I...I am unwilling, now, to be so harshly protected.

But this will not be easy, either. I am cutting my hands on my own thorns, snagging the tender exposed skin on rusted wire offshoots of roses that never lived in light. I batter my fists against the stones, seeking any small chink in defenses I set up nearly before I understood I could. Nearly before reason I had my walls; nearly before I could spell, I had my thorns.

I've had to.

Give me the chance
I was denied
To sit and talk with you
For one last time

I pull myself, glad my form is smaller here, through a patch of crumbling masonry low on the dark earth. Reminding myself, even as I fight through, scraping skin from my arms and back, that I must return this way, and mend the breach so this cannot happen again.

Always on guard, some part of me. It gets wearying.

And I am now in my own way, as much as the demon stands in his own path. There is so much terrain to cross, mined and broken, before I reach th space where I will be free to speak. And I am reminding myself, over and over, that if hope is lost, so is love. As long as I have hope...

But then, I was not the one who spoke of endings. Just the tragedy of potential. I was not the one who walked away.

Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore
And watch you as you drowned?
Can you forgive me?
I never knew
The pain you carried
Deep inside of you.

And the problem is, none of the issues we had before parting have been resolved. My heart still loves many. His heart still does not understand. How do we resolve this now, when we could not resolve it before?

I do not want to sacrifice my neko, my cheetah, or what little ground I'm gaining, standing beneath the darkened moon. Though I have other involvements, and I am attached to them also...those I love in truth are growing fewer. There's been some...unanticipated attrition of late.

I can't forget
Having to see
The words that knocked the wind
Right out of me
It's not enough
I've come undone
Trying to find sense
Where there is none

What I'm left with is the desperate desire not to lose any more. Though my heart is already considering the demon lost.

But he wants to talk.

And I stand beyond my walls, sighing. Hills and valleys, depths and shattered rises, broken stones and forgotten inlets stretch out in twilight view. Forty-seven miles of barbed wire, between me and his side.

Just give me peace
You owe me that
To help ward off the fears
I must combat

This won't be easy. Nothing of worth is. But this...this is going to be rough, I think.

It's my curse. I cannot turn away from pain. Even if it causes me pain in return.

And so I ask
For one more chance
To understand
This senseless circumstance
Help me to see
This through your eyes
The reasons I've been trying
To surmise

(words taken from "Disappoint" by Assemblage 23)

Current build: A series of strange and bizarre structures I then deleted due to oddity, yesterday. Today: working off and on finishing adding poses to my first cuddle rug. There's a skewed balance to that...

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