Emotions get heavy from time to time. Our fears, our worries, general anxieties over our situations, our relationships, employment, the world...It can take a toll not just on us, but on those that care for us. That heavy weight, dragging down everything we do...

Welcome to the Vineyard Terrace.



This is not going to be the typical review (I mean, do I give typical reviews? But I digress); even so, the "Typhon" horns have earned their descriptives--they are very adorned, and they are monstrously oversized.



Straight out of the box, unmodified in any way, they barely fit me. This is not to say only men can wear them--anyone can, if they're drawn to these. After all, find a way, or make one--so make sure yours are modifiable.

Everything Vae Victis sells is, after all. But it does present a challenge--because they have crystal gems depending from rope drops, so that seems to point in a direction for 'gravity'. And yes, this is SL, there is no gravity when not dealing with physical prims, but even there, it's just programming that causes the drop.



Apparently, some of the information boards will give notecards! That's a nifty feature.

I mean...you know, I really had a point when I started out on this. The heavy weight of emotions, of hearts, of even unattached things, because things have their own unique dragging weight (as anyone who still has a storage room filled with boxes well knows). But...

I mean, the information boards. Solid info on swamps, and swamp ecosystems, how they act as water filtration, trapping many chemicals and metals before the water runs clean again...and they had another feature, which I may return to and make another entry--because as I walked past, the info boards rezzed into visibility. I clicked for the card, read through it, and moved on down the path...and the board faded back into invisibility.

As I said, very nifty feature.

And as it turns out, I thought this dark navy was a dark green, for the current avatar tones--but, hey, navy still works.



Before the third picture, by the way, I reduced the horns down by -20. They are still huge, but I think they fit a bit better. (On me, mind.) But I should also point out something else--the colors are...not the expected ones, let's say, on the tinting HUD.

Some are the colors we expect--smooth, even tones layered over the mesh. Some...arent', showing up as ombre tones, or lightly burned tones, or something else entirely from what we've come to expect. This is not at all a complaint--far from it. There's so many color variations to play with.



I am loving PBR Materials, while we're shooting through the window of this little swamp shack--the patterns you see on the inside of the metal bars? Those move when the light source changes--so, clouds drifting by, birds passing between the 'sun' obscure in their own way...



Neat, innit?

[[Yeah, no, I was WAY off on this one. PBR hadn't been implemented yet, this was just Advanced Materials lighting. That's my bad. Still cool, but PBR is an entirely different animal.]]



And say hi to the trio of HUDs for all the options. With a codicil (which, rats, I forgot to show): the slide panel on the bottom of the far-right HUD. That one controls, if I'm remembering correctly, the settings around each gem, the cuffs, the metal accents that link up the ropes--then, simply click that little sliding buckle, and there you are with all the settings for the gems.

(I freely admit, I didn't take the most careful notes. I was too enchanted wandering the sim, so my initial mordant reflection on trials and tribulations never had a chance. I had forgotten how...it's going to sound odd, but...serene swampland is. And this sim may do the best job of capturing it in SL--the slow lap of water against piers, the brief splash of a fish (or a gator, depending) farther from shore. The little chorus of tree peepers calling out to each other through the brack.)

The one thing I do know is you should check out the picture of Grim wearing them. And looking perfectly unbowed. You can find them in the /Vae Victis\ booth at Abnormality's current round. I'll update this when I traipse over at my next opportunity!

[[As I'm putting this together to publish, something about the structure of the horns, the bases, with the planes of Grim's skull...likely nothing but a fancy, but--that reminded me pwerfully of Lord Darkness, from 1985's Legend. So, y'know, if anyone feels like striding out on human--skull sized hooves to seduce a lady into killing a unicorn...These may be your horns.]]

Text of a card I just sent out to a love:

Sooo...I want this to be a short breezy capsule response, but...

Okay. Vague causes worry. So, I haven't fallen again, though there have been some near misses, but towards the end of Aprille there was a severe pain ramp-up. And I thought I could just wait it out, and then get back in touch with people.

And..Aprille became May. And May became mid-May. And pulling open the IM window so I can send this and/or talk to you...it's been over a month since I said anything!

I am so, so sorry. Yes, a lot of it can be attributed to just--head pain scatter, or concentration scatter, and I'm beginning to accept that these may be long-term things. But the bulk of it has been waiting--apparently in vain--for the pain levels to drop back down to...well. What I consider "normal". Normal it's not, but my usual state of ow-everything-hurts-why.

Along the way, I did talk my doc into a trial run of oxycodone. Unfortunately, I live in a town on the west coast that is considered "drug-seeking". I have done *everything* in my power not to have that label go into my file, up to and including taking the MOST conservative doses possible on new meds, and then ramping up--again, conservatively--on dosage if needed.

And I'm being insanely conservative with the oxy, too. I get 20 pills every time it's refilled, and if I took it according to package directions--"every six hours as needed for moderate pain"--I'd be refilling it every six or seven days. I'm only taking a pill when it's that or drink three cups of chamomile tea and go back to bed. And try to sleep.

But *all* of this is explanation, not excuse. I don't have one. I should have reached out, even if it was to say, 'hey, there's an incredible amount of ow, sorry I haven't been in touch'. I...well, as usual, I didn't want to worry people--which makes people worry more, and I really should connect the dots on those by now.

I love you. I'm sorry. Still working on the pain thing.

Em

I know. I KNOW. It's a problem. I get it. I think I've worn a hollow in my back from the amount of times Ive been kicking myself.

Also, you ever have one of those moments where you suddenly realize why your online aesthetic (and, occasionally, RL aesthetic) is the way it is?



Ohhhh. That explains some things.

For the rest...still working on some things in the background, and trying to muscle the brain into the slightly less well-worn tracks of "this is what we're dealing with now" instead of staying on the very well-worn tracks of "if the train's going, then we're going to be just fine".

Nobody ever said you couldn't lie to yourself.

Which leaves us with the image I created, to use...somewhere. Might as well be here.

Let me preface this by saying, I'm not Christian. I don't care if people are; if people aren't; if people discard the whole faith question entirely. "Live your life the best way you know how, and don't hurt people when you can avoid it" has been my daily struggle for years now.

But, there is a point where my tolerance ends.



If any reader recognizes the notecards this maker is including in all products sold, or the text over the angle on the draped cross shot (seriously--are we supposed to buy that whomever shot this, shot it on their knees? Or that we're on our knees looking up?) with more exhortations to repent--well, I did my best to anonymize. But I have a huge problem with this.

And if this maker happens to notice this--hi, there. Happy you're happy and all, but getting the notecards and the cross photo in every single goddamn product box is draining to the extreme. Stop.

Because this? This is against your own friggin' religion, what is WRONG with you??

Think I'm kidding?

But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words.
~~Matthew 6:6-7, New King James Version

There are other passages, and there are some who say the four named "follower" chapters (plus the fifth, generally unacknowledged) are closer to fiction than "reality" (and...I'm sorry, that's just comedic gold there), and sure, there are points to be made. And I'm not even that fond of the New King James version, but what it lacks in congeniality, it usually makes up for with (at least fairly) unambiguous language at times.

This is why I make the distinction between Christianity and Churchianity. This is why I make the distinction between the faithful seeking fellowship, doing the best they can, and...well. EVERY SINGLE EVANGELICAL MORON OUT THERE. And yes, I did--and do--mean every single one, and a large segment of their congregations as well. If you're a preacher on stage, and you need a rock-arena level sound system so you can broadcast to the people one entire football field away from you--I'm talking to you. If you're a pastor who's exhorting your followers to buy you a private jet--I'm talking to you. If you're a mega-pastor who wants your congregation to front the bill for two, no, three, no, four private jets--I'm talking to you. If you're the guy onstage saying that "someone" should just round up all the gays and the transsexuals and put them in camps, or better yet, in graves, oh, you had best BELIEVE I'm talking to your ass.

And I have hit my limit. Do I like a lot of her designs? Yes. But they're all going into the trash, and from now, not going back to her store. If I have to make notes and buy the mesh templates and make my own to wear, I WILL DO THAT rather than deal with YOUR PUERILE BLEATING ON YOUR NEOPHYTE FAITH.

Or, to put it another way--if we're talking, and religion comes up, sure. Feel free to tell me. But if I'm just wandering through your store and you scream and tape a flyer on how cool Jesus is to my face--at the very least I'm walking out, if not walking away from the smoking hull of your firebombed parcel.

Done with it. Just done. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Waking in the wee hours to news of another death, and not even one of mine. Following it down in a winding spiral to a song from AFP. Ten minutes of beauty. Ten minutes of devastation. Five minutes of tears that I fought against shedding, because this loss, on top of other losses, too many deaths in this year already, and the year before, and the year before that...

everyone's too scared to open their eyes up
but everyone's too scared to close them

And what do I have to top that, really? A changed body, a changed brain, a changed perspective. Growing fearful where before I was--well, if not fearless, then certainly stoic, and still looking forward instead of back.



"And it's a ride," Amanda sings. "It's just a ride..." That it is. Life, experience, love, that's all it is. Partnering so we have someone's hand to hold, teetering at the crest. Sitting with family, created, acquired, growing, introducing them to the concept of safe fear, because we know it will help them process real fear, later.

Same principle behind horror media, really.

everyone's reading the rules of engagement
and everyone's starting to doubt them
everyone's reaching to put on a seatbelt
but this kind of ride comes without them

I'm remembering one episode of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, where he came in from Outside, removing his work coat and his work shoes, exchanging them for his softer cardigan, slipping his feet into more comfortable sneakers, and preparing the lesson for the day. All the little routines viewers had become accustomed to--the door opening, his easy, guileless smile, the short walk down the short stairs. It was ritual, in a way, practiced to give his audience time to unwind with him, become open to his next words.



The episode I'm thinking of, though, is sadly one they no longer run in syndication. Because in this one, near the end of all the calm routines, when he raises the top of the aquarium to feed the fish--he finds one of the fish has passed. Floating belly-up, its small fins no longer moving, its gold-scaled body no longer swimming in idle loops around the tank.

And it's a small, quick moment, expressed in microcosm: his eyes subtly shifting, his shoulders tensing, then relaxing. Nothing a child viewer would catch, even, though rewatching that episode as an adult, I see the signs more clearly. Thrown--just for a moment, a handful of quick seconds--before he pulls back to teacher mode. Finding the best path to turn this into education, pitched in ways his viewers would best understand. And whatever the lesson was going to be, it was set aside for the lesson he had on hand: telling children across the country about what death is, what death really means. That it's nothing to fear; that it's okay to feel things about it. That our emotions, as children, sometimes feel very big, and very scary, but that that was okay, too. Death was just a thing that happened, to all of us. Death was a natural departure in this case, and accepting that was part of life, too.

It's just a ride. And we've got the choice to get off any time that we like...



It is the great equalizer, after all. The commonality of death. The universal experience we'll all have at some point.

Right?

everyone's trying to stay on the side
where the water's just boiling more slowly
frogs in a pot, well that's one thing I've got
at least some of the frogs in here know me

It's not a comforting song. It wavers, ever so slightly, an off-balance calliope, making music for whomever's listening in the shadows...or maybe for the shadows themselves. Her voice breaks at times, the pain in the chords palpable.

And it's not the first time I've heard it, I've had this album, There Will Be No Intermission, for years now. But reading on her latest loss, while listening to this song...it sank deeper this morning. The lightest touch of midnight's chill gracing air already warming, the beginning days of May already lurching towards summer's thick, leaden heat, and I'm reminded yet again of the cyclical nature of loss.

I want you to think of me sitting and singing beside you
the chain pulls us up and we know that we're all gonna dive

And stupidly, pointlessly, thinking on my own. Because it's not in the same league, is it? I'm alive. The world hasn't done me in, yet. That's acres away from mourning an entire person. And yet...ringing the changes. Because there *have* been changes. Six hundred and fifty-plus days, now, with the headache that never leaves me. I'm less sure, now, on the other side of that. Less brave on the other side of that. Definitely, after these months, cascading through a year and still going, less stable on the other side of that...

Possibly more stubborn. But at this point stubbornness is a feature, not a bug.

But we all go down, yes, and we all go down...and see what the ride's made us into, this time.

I want you to think of me sitting and singing beside you
I wish we could meet all the people who got left behind
the ride is so loud it can make you think no one is listening
but isn't it nice when we all can cry at the same time?

But what else do we have, really? What choice do we have? Isolate, or integrate; pull back or push forward. Strengthen our relationships, or let them slip away.

and as we switch from side to side
everything is gonna be just fine
everyone you love is gonna die...

Yeah. Whether you believe in heaven, or reincarnation, in nothingness or continuation, this is all we have. This, right here, right now. Ride's gonna stop sometime, so until then, we make the best of the ups and downs, the scary descents and the link-by-link ennui of elevation. And we can make the choice to be happy in those around us, knowing that they're in the same place, in cars ahead or cars behind. Maybe we'll walk out with them hand in hand. Maybe we'll never see them again.

It's up to us to do the good in the world that we can, because everyone's just trying to hang on for the next drop.

the alternative's nothingness
might as well give it a try...

What have we got to lose, after all? It's just a ride.

While I'm still failing at blogging the geta (I know, I KNOW I know), new fun thing dropped:



Behold, the "Oberon" Unseelie King Crown of Thorns from /Vae Victis\. It's currently at We RP which opened on May 4th. It should be available at the mainstore after WLRP closes.

I figured--save for the wings--I was fairly Unseelie in aspect...I'd try it out. I'm in Fantasy Faire anyway for the hunt. This is it straight out of the box, a metallic copper, and definitely intended for the masc-presenting set. But that's okay, I can fix that.



I meant to resize it there, but got involved in the FF hunt...It was a bit before I did the work it needed. (And, as always, /Vae Victis\ items are moddable so we can play with size, glow, transparency, position...it's a wide, wide world.)

This is it slightly angled, tossed a bit of glow into the mix for that unearthly feeling, and innit pretty?



And this is it flipped front to back, slightly buried in the hair, keeping the glow, and tinted appropriately purkle [[Warning from the Editrix, evil Book of Face link for Raglan Shire, there]]...Oh, hang on, I think I need to start with a fresh copy, 'cos this one needs to go with the outfit!



While we're waiting, since the ferret's looking something up for me, this is the HUD for the crown. Seventeen different options (I show off a few below), and on this one, there's no specific 'color' and 'metal' sections. Depending on a wide variety of factors, this could read as moonsilver to aged bone to steel pulled from the heart of a dead star, and more besides.



Now. Where were we? I had to jaunt off and do a thing, and in the interim found a face chain I hadn't worn in a while and changed the wings. So, figured why not match the crown to them?

And then the BeSpoke concert series started, which is a GREAT way to spend a Sunday--how can you beat good live musicians and at the end, a raffle for free heads?



.......Annnnnnnnnd then Em spent too much time in her own head and wanted to do something incredibly precious and twee and two days have gone by so now Em has given up because THIS IS GOING OUT TODAY DAMN IT...and there you are--a not-at-all-quick collage from the shots taken at BeSpoke, just to show you more of the colors.

Check it out if you like the look--as said, it will run you L$362 at the event, and it's currently at We RP until the end of the event (that's the actual direct-to-booth, or at the least, direct-to-event SLUrl).