I'm not afraid of getting older
I'm one less day from dying young
I see the light go past my shoulder
I'm one less day from dying young
Long-time readers may remember (or not) that at one point, I had a fixed, defined end, for two reasons. One was, my father wasn't right about a great many things, but the one thing he insisted on, every time he saw me, was telling me when I was going to die. Now, granted, I do partially lay at his feet the ensuing love affair with graveyards, coffins, and mortality, but the one thing it did give me was the ingrained knowledge that all life ends, mine in particular, and I knew when that end was to arrive.
I see my life like a train with a one-way track
I've made mistakes, and I couldn't take 'em back
and I've been runnin' 'round in circles 'til I'm dizzy, I can't lie
but every night I go to sleep's a day that I survive
Okay, wau, first off, the Persistence of Memory 3D piece is still on the grid. I had no idea!
I took the original "Persistence of Emilly" pic when I was...what, two years on the grid? Damn. It hasn't changed at all.
But anyway...The other half of the death vibe around that general time, is having a specific medical issue that--while it was by no means certain--did strongly predispose me to die early. Both these factors informed my life following, and my choices, both good and bad.
I'm not afraid of getting older
I'm one less day from dying young
I see the light go past my shoulder
I'm one less day from dying young
and I've seen my friends fall away before their time
and I've been afraid that I may follow in their light
so I drink and love and whisper all the things I know are right
someday, I will leave this world, but maybe not tonight
And then...it didn't happen. And... I had no backup plan. It sounds ridiculous now, but I spent the following six months wandering in decreasing circles, thinking What now? I mean, I hadn't really planned to live past that date. I had no future dreams, because I wasn't expecting a future.
I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid) of getting older
I'm one less day (I'm one less day) from dying young
I see the light (I see the light) go past my shoulder
I'm one less day (I'm one less day) from dying young
I'm one less day (I'm one less day) from dying young (yeah!)
Since then, while there has been a bit of flailing and freefall, for the most part...I have no idea when I'll die. Oh, it may still be before I reach any 'ripe old age' of whatever--the RL health, for one, COVID-19 now, in case I get it and go under, a variety of other factors (including, also, being a whole bunch of 'non' things that the people 'for' those things would do me in over)...what I'm saying is that it may happen anyway, but living past that pre-stamped date?
To me, means I made it. There. Done. Anything else is icing.
all my life I have been wandering
burning up my candle like my time just won't end
and I'll keep burning 'til there's nothing left
praying that tomorrow I can do it all again
and if I get tomorrow, I will do it all again
Don't mistake me--I am not marching gleefully towards dissolution and demise. I'm not that in love with death. I just have an awareness that death is a thing. It happens, a lot, worldwide--no one gets out of life alive, after all. Life itself is a disease with a 100% fatality rate. And that holds no terror for me.
I'm not afraid of getting older
I'm one less day from dying young
and I see the light go past my shoulder
I'm one less day from dying young
The downside of all that is...I didn't die when my dad said I would. So yay, I get to experience more pain. Still...give the chance of hurting over no awareness at all? Bring on the hurt. I can cope with hurt. I can cope with pain. Pain, after all, is only our body's signal flare that something needs attention.
Death takes that away. Or, put another way...
I'm frequently stupid. I try to learn enough not to be. But--so far at least--I've never been able to say I'm frequently dead. That's a plus.
(Pictures taken at Voodoo Bayou Blues, Nopsaebaram, Faenor, Lymurid and Varghus. Lyrics from Rob Thomas, "One Less Day".)
No comments:
Post a Comment