all day staring at the ceiling
making friends with shadows on my wall
all night hearing voices telling me
that I should get some sleep
because tomorrow might be good for something
So, what have I learned on the other side of all this intensity? One thing I knew already--I tend to only properly know a thing (or, more precisely, know that I know a thing) if I say it or write it down. Now, this doesn't paint me in the most favorable light, as it presupposes a great deal of unconsciousness about the whole procedure, if not sublime indifference. I can only say I'm not indifferent...but I may well be profoundly unconscious at times.
But some things at the end of the journey have become inescapable. First, I was right when I told the current that this was not the Grand Epic Love of my life, though there's more than a touch of Romeo and Juliet (or Hamlet and Ophelia if you prefer, though neither comparison is perfectly apt) to everything. But...and yeah, I circled around this one a lot to make sure I was right, and hadn't just gotten waylaid by disaster magnetics...it looks like love was there. Not deep, yet, not abiding, per se, but...there. If I had to put a name to it, it's one of the on-the-way stages. It's less of that first, heady rush of infatuation, and not yet the deep comfort of the lived-in love, but--I had begun to care, and care deeply. I care still. I don't think I've given my heart a reason not to care, so...that will likely continue. (And continue to be annoying.)
hold on
feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
and I don't know why
It's another core truth of me--unless there's a whole lot of damage on the other end, I tend not to fall out of love. I think that's one reason I fight falling in love so much, because I know I'm likely to keep being there, even if the other party leaves, or I do.
The flip side of that is, I think the one that laid down the separation in the first place took it as dismissal when I told him that. So, now I have to figure out how I correct that, because first, I didn't mean to be dismissive, just honest, and second, it might have made it easier for him to declare it was done, over, no more.
but I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
a different side of me
I'm not a robot. I can't just switch off being a thing, feeling a thing. It's not on and humming, then *click* and null state. I can try to learn, I can try to integrate, I can try to find the balance after the change of state, but...that's always more of a long-term thing. (Do I say that thinking the ban will be reversed? No. But the attempt at understanding is always worthwhile.)
The second thing...and this is another one where I backed up and looked at it from multiple angles...is that, at least right now, I am very willing to cheat. And understand, that's not typical, traditional infidelity I'm discussing, here--I'm in a polyamorous relationship in both worlds, that's not going to change, so by some of those traditional definitions, I'm already cheating. No, it's more...hmm. Maybe an example will help.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
but soon enough you're gonna think of me
and how I used to be...me
One of my first major relationships in SL was with someone who was chronically unable to be faithful, on multiple levels. Being poly, being in an open marriage RL besides, I never got irked that he was seeing other people, whether he told me or not. I had only a theoretical understanding of jealousy anyway, so I had blithely convinced myself for years that I just didn't get jealous.
This fellow proved me wrong. This fellow taught me about jealousy in spades, and how it's based entirely in the fear of loss, and the hurt of potential loss, and the anger at feeling hurt in general. Suddenly, after years of not getting it, I got it. I did not want to get it..but without a doubt, I UNDERSTOOD.
I'm talking to myself in public
dodging glances on the train
Similarly, I've always had a theoretical understanding of infidelity. My brain keeps tracking back to, why bother going behind someone's back? Why not just talk to them, explain the situation? Moreover, why get in that situation in the first place? Communication is valid, communication is essential, communication will solve these issues more easily than cheating and hurting everyone involved.
Another lightning bolt from the universe, gee, thanks--I get why people cheat now. (I have a thick skull, it's bound to happen, but I have the right to be cranky about it.) It still comes down to the lines of communication being broken, or at least severely bent; of being unhappy in one place so we find another; of falling out of love, even, with the first love.
and I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
and it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
out of all the hours thinking
somehow, I've lost my mind
I'm not out of love, in the least. I'm not abidingly unhappy, though I did have some distress for longer than I should have, and yes, that does come down to my not communicating that to those I care for. That's on me, as I said in the beginning. And it doesn't factor in to anything that happened before now, because that was known, that was open, that was fine.
It's the from here part that concerns me. Because I could easily see justifying things--to myself, if not to anyone else. "One kiss won't hurt, friends kiss...a cuddle won't hurt, friends cuddle...Maybe sex isn't that bad, it doesn't have to mean anything..."
Yeah. Like that.
but I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
Because--well, there's a lot of reasons, but the main one is me. I can have sex with anyone, casual acquaintance or not, and if I had fun, I have no issues doing it again. But once I care...once I care, even if I do everything I can not to string along anyone else, the strings are there on my side. Once I care, I care, damn it. So, yes, yes it does, because it can't not, at that point. Sex with someone I care for means more--it just does. And even caring is not the proverbial straw for the camel in this case--it would be sleeping with him again. Those are the terms. I can be his friend, I have been told. He's fine with me being friends. He's not fine with me having sex with that other bruised heart again.
And I do not get to convince myself he's wrong; he's entitled to his feelings. And, this is key, I do not get to talk myself into this because it won't hurt other people. Because it will do that as well.
And I'm not saying anything's happened. By some quirk of timing, we really haven't spent that much time together, in person, so....
What I'm saying is, it could. At least, it could were I not surrounded by adults. I'm the one playing the petulant child in this. Which is galling on all the levels.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
but soon enough you're gonna think of me
and how I used to be
So, this leaves me in a quandary. Not an unsolvable one, by any means, but it's definitely there. I like myself a little less, I have that self-knowledge now. I'm irked that I let everything get off-track so stunningly in the first place, because if I'd just stopped for even a goddamn second and thought things through, I would have talked to people, and maybe this entire thing wouldn't have happened. And I'm utterly miserable that I've hurt people beyond just me with everything. (I get to hurt me, is the internal bargain, as long as I don't hurt anyone else. I'm not important; others are. See how easy the justifying begins?)
I think...it's going to come down to very careful pathing at this point. There's still going to be some excavation, it's unavoidable--but it's now more vital, as any shred of justification I find in me has to be stamped out. Or at least, I have to sit myself down and talk very sternly to my hormones, because this is the nature of things: physically, there's no issue; mentally, there's only a few more issues; but emotionally, oh dear gods, that is a set of depth charges potentially big enough to level an island.
I do not want to be leveled. But more importantly, I don't want anyone I care for to be leveled.
I've been talking in my sleep
pretty soon they'll come to get me
yeah, they're taking me away
And ultimately, if I'm careful, if I'm aware (that's always a tricky one), and if I'm open (which yes, is also tricky, considering), then...I get through this. They get through this. No one dies.
At least...I think. I mean, there's no guarantees, but I am sincerely hoping that's how it works.
Anything else is...unworthy of them, imbalanced of me, and unconscionable in any case. It's just...going to take a lot of work. A LOT of work. And much of it work I really don't want to do in the first place, but...really, what's new? I thought it was time to pull the train above water, so I did, but apparently that was just so it could burn. Rust is fire in slow motion, after all, but...this doesn't feel slow.
It does feel permanent, though. I guess I'll get used to it, eventually. It's not like I have another choice...Still have to keep the train moving, after all. And it's far too soon to go off the tracks again.
(Pictures taken at the Moya Hospital, K Group's Orthopedic Hospital, Lost Haven, Lost Mesa, Hambone Slough, Finian's Dream, Eris Isle, Castaway Haven, SPELL, Bay City's Rainy Alley, Memorial of the Lost, Cocoon and DewXon. Lyrics from Matchbox Twenty's "Unwell".)
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