day by day and night by night
I feel you in my mind
it happens all the time
Some days, definitely. These days, nearly always. And the search for distraction ever goes on.
you know the day dreams stop
my heart beats on
I can't take it any more
it's you I live for
Which is not exactly true, but...there's an echo. I'll be honest, I've never wanted to be someone's one and only. I never wanted to be the one and only of the people I married off the screen, so why would I want that in SL? And compersion is part of my reality; I have never been wired to see two people I love, in love with each other, and feel the insecure stab of pain at the sight. Compersion is the suffusing joy at seeing them happy.
you are in my system
you are in my system
I just want you to know that,
you are in my system
But I can't shake the thoughts. I shook the nightmares, thank the universe, but I can't shake the dreams. They come and go, but every time they return, they're stronger. Richer. More detailed.
More demanding.
don't you, don't you, don't you know that, babe
I will keep on pushing, pushing, pushing
until I get through
Which...is again, not precisely true, or rather, it's true, but not in the expected direction. I'm told there's hope in this situation, and I'm happy they think so, but for me, the hope is not to live here, embracing my feelings, and quietly hope things change. This much sweeping desire, this much gnawing need...it's verging on damaging.
my main objective baby is to get to you
to turn your mind around
I know will take time
No, my path has to be to chip it out of me, while trying to scar as little of the surrounding tissue as possible. Which...may well be impossible, but when have I let impossibility stop me? (Don't answer that.)
but you know I can wait, now
you're on my mind
you are in my system
I just want you to know that,
you are in my system
It's been a tiring few days, though, in and out of world. In world the spin cycle has hit serious turbulence; off the screen the world is not only on fire, but screaming. There is very little surcease, outside of those moments when I can't stop myself from asking to be held.
it happens all the time
my dreams are filled with you
there's no doubt in my mind
that I'll be true baby
Which yes I know is defeating the purpose and yes I know is giving in and not detaching further and yes, YES, I KNOW, is just feeding the addiction for touch in the first place...
...and yes, also yes, I know it was what I asked for at the start of this because I knew I did not have it in me to stay away...
you know I'll take you out
and I'll keep lovin' you
oh baby, you are in my system,
I just want you to know that
you are in my system
cut me right down to the wire
you, ooohh, you're in my system
But. It helps as much as it hurts. It heals as much as it reinforces. The down side, though, is that along with the healing, along with the helping, along with being able to goddamn breathe, still...it's also further addicting me.
This is why we can't have nice things.
got me burning I'm on fire
you, you're in my system
can't make believe
And I thought I was facing two roads, but it turns out, I'm only facing one, and it's not the one I want to take. Maybe it's time to take Amtrak's advice...
...on second thought, he's right, that's terrible advice for trains.
(Pictures taken at Alternate Reality, Sinful Retreat, Summer House and Dreamshire. Lyrics from Robert Palmer's You Are in My System.)
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