and I'm always one step from stalling

People frequently underestimate how simply seeing something can change us. Take what's going on at Lindy's right now.



Is proper social distancing important for SL? No, of course not. Does seeing signs to encourage social distancing (or seeing avatars wearing masks, there's another good example) help us right now? Absolutely, both to impress that it's okay, as well as normalizing these things.



the light from the window is fading
you turn on the night
the sound from the avenues callin' you
open your eyes and when you find
you're spending your time wanting for words

I'm rarely at a loss for words. Technically, I'm not at a loss for words now, precisely, it's more...some of the things that want to be expressed, I don't want to say.



you never speak, you tell yourself
that the things you need come slow
but inside, you just don't know

I rarely know my plans, my direction, occasionally my reasons...And no one ever said you couldn't lie to yourself, but at least currently, I'm trying not to. I'm trying to downplay any hopes. I'm just concentrating on now, and hoping then will take care of itself.

In time.



my my my, let your bright light shine
let your words live on far beyond this life
hold on to anything, everything's over and done
has the fear taken over you?

Sometimes I wonder. I have been so fearful of the situation I'm in that it made me unable, even unwilling to move. I'm not unwilling to move, this time out, I'm just waiting until a signpost appears in the mist.



tell me, is that what you want, to make up your life?
time after time, you're falling behind
hold on to me and never leave
forever be what you mean to me right now
don't you feel better now?

By the same extension, I don't want to be coddled either. That whole, cheer up, things will get better encouragement never really flew with me. In life, there are ups and downs, valleys and peaks, it's well known. And I already know there are better days ahead, if only because I'm not dead yet. But I am also trying not to minimize here. Because here is real. Here will teach me things, if I pause and listen. Pain, after all, is a warning sign, and if we don't heed the warning, what good is it?



so when you find
you're spending your time wanting for words
but never speak, you tell yourself
that the things you need come slow
but inside, you just don't know

I'm used to playing Diogenes at the crossroads, at least without the confrontation. I will allow I possess nearly as much cynicism, but our times tend to encourage it. And there are times where holding the lamp aloft is very tiring. But if it doesn't bring me wisdom, at the least it brings a light to my path, and some days, that's really all that matters.



my my my, let you down sometimes
well, my my my
pay with the cost of living
this life

Nearly always.

In the end, I'm left with what I'm always left with--confusion, the struggle to understand, the eternal struggle to process. It's made more difficult this time around by uncertainty, and it's far past time I embrace the uncertainty and make my peace with it. Which can be a struggle in itself, but hey...as far as I know, I've got time.

(Lyrics taken from "My My My" from Rob Thomas.)