I can't imagine how hard it must be to be you
adopting all your history, it's hard being me too
are your secrets where you left them?
'cause now your ghosts are mine as well
I think it's time I met them and I think it's time you tell
Hit another patch of needing to be out of my skin. Thankfully, shapeshifting means I can do that. But it doesn't leave the problems behind, just that twitchy, friable anxiety. Takes a little longer for the skin hunger to build back up, too, because it's different skin, but...we'll get there, unfortunately.
and you should have told me when you met me
all these things I should know
and I should have asked,
we should have talked about this
so long ago
Mmhmm, that's far too familiar. Burnt trees on the horizon, flames on the ground, yep, I resemble this terrain.
it's not fair, it's not fair, help me come up for air
oh, how's this happening to me?
it feels so lonely here
Well, part of that is I'm still picking places that sound interesting enough to visit, but don't have a lot of dots on the map, because yet again I'm back to having no idea how I'll react to people. Which is slightly disconcerting for someone in my chosen field, but...hey, I'll deal or I won't, right?
we are in a mess, a danger zone
what will happen next? you never know
we are in a mess, a danger zone
what will happen next? you never know
Spaces to breathe are good. Spaces to concentrate, to settle, to ground, are better. I'm too tightly wound again, and there is such an air of censorious judgement at present--which, yes, I realize is far from healthy, but a large part of my mind is just disgusted with the excess of emotion. As if I should just be able to shrug this off.
Should I be able to shrug this off? Was that what was expected? Oh, okay, can't sleep with the boy anymore? Okay, tra-la-la, off I go.... I mean, was it? Seriously?
now we share the closet, now you've let me come inside
and now you're finally undressing and I feel like I might die
the damage is infectious, the confession is too late
and how can I accept this?
To be fair, I have not completely crumbled yet. I have not begged, abjectly, humbly, for the ban to be lifted. Not even the steadily intensifying dreams have brought me completely to my knees. But part of the why is not that my pride's so overweening and enhanced; it's that I agreed that the one who collared me can make decisions for me. Not all decisions, obviously--I'm not a 24/7 sort, I've never been one for the barcode on the back of the neck. But this was discussed, debated, questioned, looked at from all angles, for over a year before I agreed to the collar in the first place. And part of that was not only being as open as I could be on who I was, but in letting my RL loves see who he was.
Because I have an unfortunate history, it must be said, of picking the exact wrong men. And I can't even say the ones stating this are wrong, because it's happened too many times. There is a strange exception rule to this that I've never entirely understood--men I find are the ones that tend to be wrapped around nitroglycerine and nails; men who find me tend...well, they're not always firm on their own foundations, but they aren't as geared to explode into shrapnel.
I also have never believed in Velcro collars. Submission is not something I shrug off when it's uncomfortable. I do wish it was less uncomfortable, ideally, with this situation...but I wouldn't be me if it didn't affect me, and I doubt I'd be collared to this individual were I that carefree with emotions.
it's not fair, it's not fair, help me come up for air
oh, how's this happening to me? it feels so lonely here
Great, now the livestock is laughing at me.
all your secrets
all your lies
all of it
And nothing on the horizon is getting closer but that damned signpost. I see it, already. It's not like the road's going to change.
we are in a mess, a danger zone
what will happen next, you never know
we are in a mess, a danger zone
what will happen next, you never know
Jesus, another lighthouse. Okay, Sumie, I get it, what am I missing? Must be big to throw this many lamps on my path...
(Pictures taken at the Archipelago of Dreams, Seawolf Monsters, OMEN, The Dancing Cat Cafe, Wildwood Gardens and Endless at Haraiki Bay. Lyrics from Gwen Stefani's Danger Zone.)
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