It's not exactly doing that now, but...I'm still having fun taking pictures? So there will be several more of these coming out in July, and then they'll start to be more scattershot.
it was a cold 3 a.m. at JFK
I guess you stayed because you wanted to stay
and we went from zero to everything all in a day
and then Kennedy took you away
So. Let's unpack the situation a bit. Let's talk motivations.
I thought of a short robe that was keeping you warm
and the moments that make up your life 'til you wake up
you sit on a swing in the dark with a girl
and she tells you she wanted to kiss you
Mainly, this is me still trying to pin down an exact cause, because that's worked so well so far, right?
and you know
the worst part of a good day
is hearing yourself say goodbye to one more possibility day
it goes on and on
Let's bring up the lure of the forbidden. Could that be it? Sure. Ban anything and I get curious. Usually not to the extent of going after it directly, unless we're talking films, and...well, let's just say I wasn't able to finish watching Salo, and I never even tried to get through A Serbian Film because of the ending (and, gentles all, for the love of anything you hold holy, do not click those links unless you're prepared to be seriously disturbed. I'm not kidding). I'm still going back and forth on whether I actually need to see any of the Guinea Pig films from Japan, because...yeah, there just may be some sights I don't need to feed my brain.
I go west but your weather has changed
you’re just scared, I mistake it for strange
when you want me to leave
then you start to believe I should stay
but I gotta get out of LA
But how does the saying go? Curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought him back? Well, at least in the case of disturbing films, or disturbing music, disturbing visuals, disturbing fetishes...this cat may get curious, I may go somewhere to get my queries answered, but I rarely end up satisfied at the end of the discovery.
it seems like the short days are over
'cause you just don't sleep in the daylight so I don't sit up nights
I lie on my back on the top of a hill
and your body is breaking the sky
I mean, it doesn't stop me, but...it rarely makes me happy.
'cause you're shaking
and the worst part of a good day is knowing it's slipping away
that's one more possibility day that is gone
All right. So, that's not so much of a surprise. What about general acting out? It's universally a patch of illogic in children that if they're not getting attention, then any attention, good or bad, becomes desirable. Of course, negative attention usually makes the acting out worse, because no child actually wants negative reinforcement...
we were waiting for winter this year
but you came and it never appeared
me and you, we know too many reasons
for people and seasons that pass like they weren't even here
So if it's not precisely the ban itself--or, at least, not entirely--does it default to...well, 'brattiness'? For lack of a better term.
now 'living in smiles is better', you say
but we carry the burdens of all of our days
so I'm scared that you'll leave, and you're scared that I'll stay
it's an impossibility day
and we only saw half the ballet
I'm not a child, but I have retained several 'acting out' behaviors into adulthood. Chief among them--if I'm nagged to do a thing, I will put it off later out of sheer stubbornness. I tell myself it's a bad trait, I attempt to change it, but any challenge across that tentative resolve sends me right back into past pattern. Every damned time.
I said goodnight, goodbye
it seems like a good thing, so you know it’s a good lie
you can run out of choices
and still hear a voice in your head when you're lying in bed
But that has its incomplete areas as a working theory, too. One, I'm with someone who's used to brattiness, and knows exactly how to quell it, and, well...a, that takes some of the 'fun', twisted though it may be, out of it, and b, it is making me less 'bratty' overall, which...honestly, may have been the point.
and it says that the best part of a bad day is knowing it's okay
the color of everything changes
the sky rearranges its shade and your smile doesn't fade
into a phone call and one bad decision we made
If it's not that...is it my brain trying to think around corners? Or in this case, trying to phase through the goddamn bricks in the wall? Yeah, maybe. I am known both to self-sabotage, and to look for any and all loopholes. For someone as rigorously devoted to obeying the rules, I am quite the determined anarchist when I want to be.
and the worst part of a good day is the one thing you don't say
and you don't know how but you wish there was some way
so you pull down the shades and you shut off the lights
because somehow we mixed up 'goodbye' and 'goodnight'
So if it's only partially being denied, and not, or at least, not completely, acting out or loophole-seeking, then...I mean, we can default to the basic 'I miss him', and sure, that's there, but it's not the why I keep spinning in circles.
and the one thing you won't say is
'everyone knows possibility days are impossible'
it just feels wrong, so wrong
still, you're gone, long gone
Because I've missed people before. With very few exceptions, everyone who's broken up with me, and in all honesty, one or two I broke up with, I wasn't ready at that point to completely let them go. So maybe that should be added to the theory list--unwillingness to detach. Or separate. Or...I'm sure there's a better way to phrase it, I'm not finding the particular word currently.
Eventually, I'll figure it out, or I'll just shrug and accept I am my own worst psychotherapist and move on. Could go either way, honestly.
Pictures taken at the Dark Citadel, Whimsy, Crumbi Rail Station, the Night Court, New Orleans by Night, Quiddity and celeste.sanct. (Lyrics from Possibility Days by Counting Crows.)
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