Tuesday, August 3, 2010

not a soul on the ice, only me skating fast

night, lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning

spider
spider spider spider
all those legs and lurking in the dark
staring at me

I don't mind the staring
I mind what it's trying to do
I mind what these dreams mean
I mind what they're telling me

but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy

is my subconscious that unaware?
does anyone think I don't know what the risks are?
does anyone think I don't know
just how much I stand to lose?

I step forward
I step--
one step, one step, walking forward

walking on dying embers and glass shards, diamond-bright and splintered
walking on broken bones that turn and twist underfoot
walking, even if I have to walk in ever-widening circles
walking forward

sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong

moving because it's what I have, it's what I fall back on
like breathing, even though I keep forgetting to breathe
late at night I will wake myself with huge inrushes of air
and I know
I've forgotten to inhale again

it's all I can do to hang on

rubble beneath my feet
primed to turn an ankle
skeleton keys and flanges, wood and stone, carved and grown
grains of sand, grains of wheat, grains of hard red rice
sharp hard shattered chunks of craze-cracked green glass
blue and brown frosted pebbles
worn smooth by the endless tumble in a turmoil sea

to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

splashes of color on the uneven ground
as if some great dying beast who bled liquid paint
staggered through

it has been at least two months
since I talked to any of my old friends
it has been longer still since I talked to any old loves, barring one
there are tremors of finality in the air

everything changes
everything falls apart

I have severed ties with the Consulate
I have very nearly severed ties with Caledon
I go back and forth on whether to sell my last remaining parcel
I'm not sure these days what's keeping me there

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered

no social activities, even the ones I wanted to attend
the last two weeks have been barren of so much
I've talked to a few people, but always, always
at a distance

winnowing
through the life I'm leading
deciding what's nourishing
and what's chaff
what I can discard
what I must retain
(at all costs? any cost? on a whim?)

unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer

a change is needed
it's been too long, stuck in place, frozen, shrinking
from the demands of movement

I am going to rebuild the store, in my time away from
building on the last sim in Solace
and refocus my energies on what I told myself
I was going to focus on six months ago

can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

third time charming
or something like that
and we'll see what happens then

(Lyrics taken in small uneven sections from Sarah McLachlan's Stupid.)

3 comments:

Corgi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Baron K. Wulfenbach said...

A mutual friend brought this to my attention. 'I have severed ties with the Consulate'? You have neglected to inform me of such, and I think I should be the first to know.

Not that I accept it.

KW

(My apologies for the mis-comment -- Fraulein Davies shall be banned from using my engine in the future if she persists in sloppy logouts.)

Emilly Orr said...

Baron,

Ack, was that a notecard that went astray? If you want me to send it off again, I will gladly do so.

But it plays out like this: I consider the Consulate friends and allies. But my presence, I truly believe, is holding you back. I took three solid factors into consideration:

1. Whenever there is a rezday party/event/Consulate meeting/music appreciation night/wedding held in Steelhead? I don't go. Most of you live in Steelhead, and I don't visit. I'm not saying I visit all my friends, but it seemed profoundly odd to have a Consulate member who edits out one entire sim chain and won't do anything there.

2. I've gotten a lot more busy, on the grid (and off). It also seemed to me that I was missing more Thursday poetry slams than I was making. Do I love going to them? Yes. Do I always attend them? No. But being the representative of the Consulate/bar that event is held in, and not showing up seemed profoundly odd to me.

3. The last two Consulate staff meetings went along without me, and I didn't find out they'd been held until after the fact. This, to me, confirmed my thinking, so I sent the notecard off to you and Frau Lowey.

I am more than willing to send it off again, but it pretty much dealt with these points, and added--I am not doing this out of spite, malice, or any hint of drama. Rationally, you need Consulate members who can freely attend anywhere the Consulate needs them to be.

I have unfriended no one, and quite honestly, don't intend to. I still consider myself an ally of the Consulate at the very least.