Wednesday, March 21, 2007

who I am hates who I've been

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...


Tonight the demon who, I was sure, was on a plan to upset all of my applecarts, was friendly, jovial, polite, generous...and I'd love to say, I'd love to say, I breathed a sigh of relief, because the war I thought was starting is over.

But tonight felt so...off. I don't think it is.

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.


Maybe it's me, maybe I'm just paranoid, maybe I'm untrusting, but...I can't think any other way around it. You don't go up to someone who's very dear to the neko you're trying to bring back into your life, and do everything you can to sway that person away from her...unless you're trying to sway that person away from her.

I mean, is it just paranoia? That's what he did. He says no, but of course he'd say no! How else should I see it?

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.


And at this point, I am so over the rounds of apologies and accusations. Yes, he should not have sent the letter. Yes, he should not have said goodbye. Yes, I'm being a bitch and insisting that goodbye means goodbye once said. Yes, I could relent, but I'm stupidly prideful.

But push all that aside. He should let it go. He should let me go. And that he can't means this isn't over. That he can't means as soon as he thinks up the next trick, I'm going to be hit with that

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.


And hit again, and hit again, and hit again...always another angle, always another game. It wearies me so. And I never know, now, how much he really hears and how much he's just saving up to evaluate later, to examine my structure for potential weak spots.

He knows I have them. He even knows where most of them are. Guess I should be happy he's only thought about using a few...

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.


Tonight, at the town meeting. If I'd had a way to come as a bundle of sticks, I would have. But I didn't know how. So I came as the bunny, because the irony suited me. Prey animal, big blinking eyes, all furred paws and furred legs. I left hair off because I wanted the pointed collar. I was just hoping I'd get through the evening intact.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.


Well, I did get through the meeting intact, I guess. More or less. Watching with wary eyes nearly every move the incubus made, waiting for the hammer to fall. That it didn't shredded my nerves no less, because I was living in dread anticipation.

Then I went outside and walked into the street by accident and got crushed by a wandering steam-powered elephant. Only in Steelhead.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.


The darkened moon and the Knight in Shining were true to their words, though--when they arrived, they watched over me, even though the incubus tried nothing in specific.

Still, it was nice to know they cared. It was nice to know they were there.

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...


I guess it all comes down to, is there anyway to convince a demon who's been set in his ways since before my great-grandmother was alive, to grow up and move on? Can demons evolve? Can they change?

But then, some would ask, can they love, and I no longer know the sure answer to that question...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.


And now we're back to the waiting game. He tells me I can have my furniture back, after I've taken it. He tells me I am no longer a part of his life, but he keeps me in his family group--as a family member. He tells me he wasn't trying to get me back, but mentions a life together later.

He tells me one thing, shows me another, then says something entirely different.

It's dizzying. It's wearying. I hate being on my guard this way. I just want peace, not strife. I don't want to be the one unique thing in his universe any more.

But maybe that was always too much to ask...

(lyrics "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been", Reliant K)

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