Friday, March 23, 2007

you say you understand, but you don't understand

Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.

But I can, I can, I have been. Was it unexpected? I never said it to be cruel, not even when I was curled up and wounded, and wanted to wound in return. I said no. I held to it. I said it again when you asked. I say it again now.

No. My will, my strength, my shield, and those shielding me. No. Some nights, it's all I have,

Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...

The new incubus I know tells me, there is a side effect of incubi...fluids. That they make human women faint from bliss, they overcome the will, they insinuate, they seduce by chemicals, not emotions...they enslave.

One drop creates quivering; more creates addiction.

But I've never been precisely human...

Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.

I remember feeling this swept away. I remember wanting nothing more than your lips on my skin. I remember shuddering at your touch, eyes lambent pools, flaring with every deep breath, all of me one sensitized ache bearing your name.

Perhaps there's something to what the new incubus says...but even if true, the space for addiction has long since passed. The longing, well, that may always be there, but as my neko lad tells me, I've not gotten over the vampire princeling, either. And I may not.

In your case...the longing I may simply have to live with. It won't stop me. And it won't stop me from saying no in future.

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.

The thing is...I do feel good now. It's been difficult, it's still difficult, I'm battling issues I never thought would be raised, but...I feel like it's all, slowly, cohesing. I feel the life is coming together, that my choices are beginning to make sense, that I'm beginning to understand myself, my life, those I choose to love.

And I wouldn't have done the work, the hard, looking-at-my-life work, had you not said goodbye. For that, if nothing else, I must thank you.

More than that, though, I have to thank you for caring at all. As toxic as we were together, especially towards the end, I never doubted that--when your eyes remembered, and turned back my way--you cared. That was a constant. It was a good constant to have.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?

I guess the question was never, am I good enough for you to love me, too? The question was, are you good enough to love me in return? To see that love enriches, more than it should damage; delights more than destroys; lights us, warms us, not consumes us.

Some part of me, you know, waits for you to meet someone that you can't get enough of; one who addicts you the way you addict others. What would you do in that situation? How would you act? What would you do to get her back after she left? How long would you fight?

I learned the answers to these questions, and all the others that your leaving raised. And yes, I still dream of you, some nights. It will happen. I let it go. They're just dreams.

So take care what you ask of me,
'cause I can't say no...

And dreams can't change my mind, dreams won't erase the no on my lips. And never to be cruel, never to hurt, never to harm...but no. Now and before, now and mayhap forever, no. No. No.

(lyrics from "Good Enough" by Evanescence)

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