Thursday, March 29, 2007

I'm haunted by the promises I've made and others I have broken

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down


He cares for me. He cares for me in spite of everything. He supports me when my heart breaks, and when it sings. He's careful, and precise, and holds back, but he cares. There's nothing I've found I can't tell him.

That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds


He cares for me. He cares for me best on my knees, but he's understanding that I don't always want to be there. He's rarely taken me farther than I want to go, and he says I'm a great challenge. He understands I have my own life and my own interests, and even when he gets frustrated with me, he still understands.

That I would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth


He cares for me. He's fascinated by how I think, why I think those things, and he's never not been in the mood to listen to my thoughts. He thinks I'm screwed up, but he also thinks I'm wonderful, and while he'd love it if I'd settle and stop fluttering, he's willing to wait, and see what happens in the meantime. He supports me.

That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing


He cares for me. He thinks I'm fun and sexy and the hottest thing on two legs, and he makes me melt with his wickedly perverse wit, and the golden depths of his heart. There aren't many times I wouldn't drop most of what I'm doing and go see him.

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed


He cares for me. He asked to marry me once, and was willing to offer any concession he could think of, all so that I wouldn't say no. He was willing to undergo any challenge I asked of him. Once, when I was upset with someone else, he let me beat him to a very nearly abusive point.

It was wonderful.

That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy


He cares for me. He says I'm his beloved and his whole world and he's my fierce defender. He's the only one I've been willing to risk self-injury for, which is better than it sounds, because I do heal when I shift shapes, for the most part. He makes me shudder at the merest touch of his fingertip; it's an overwhelming feeling.

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you


And there are times, you know, when I wish these were all the same fellow...*sighs*

(lyrics from Alanis Morissette, "That I Would Be Good")

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