Saturday, March 31, 2007

half accidental, half pain, full instrumental


I can't be in my tree today. I've tried, several times, and my eyes fall to the rug where I couldn't fight hard enough to stop him. The Queen has an edict seeking his harm, but it doesn't change the fact that it happened. And it falls to me to wonder...I am not powerless, I am not without my own skills, why did it happen at all?

He will haunt me until I erase whatever it is in me that calls me to him. But at least I've proven one thing...he was wrong, in his statement that any touch of us, flesh to flesh, would commit us to touch until we expired from it...

To say it was not what I a grand and inglorious understatement.

half underwater
i'm half my mother's daughter
a fraction's left up to dispute

Last night the pallid imitator of the incubus I once knew returned, saving me yet again from the strange temple in the mountains. I had discovered the tomb some few days before, but I'd gone back, climbing painfully up the crags, half-falling, half-sliding down the other side, to the base of the rocks and the temple on the stone plain. This time I'd come with wings, in case the place resisted my changing yet again.

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This I'd discovered those few days before, but now, I examined it closely, seeing if there were any clues to be had. And there was--a small indented panel near the base, that, when pressed, swung the entire tomb aside, revealing a passage underneath.

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I stepped down into a tunnel of dark stone and nearly impenetrable darkness. I summoned some slight glow, but was afraid for more, lest I disturb...whatever might live in these spaces.

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I walked for what felt like miles, remembering my turns, and could make no sense of it. My steps echoing on the stones were the only sounds I heard, and finally I turned back, made my way back to the stairs, only to find my way closed.

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I called out mentally again, for help, and yet again was intercepted by the monk, who apparently had restored from death yet again. As he arrived, I heard a horrid sound, as of masonry collapsing, and began to beat my fists against the base of the tomb. I heard movement above, but he said it was not him, and when he arrived, the sounds of rock falling had stopped. Between us, we discovered the way to open the tomb once more, and I walked out into sky, not temple roof and stones. All that I'd seen before...had vanished, replaced only by rubble and empty air.

To say I was unnerved is to lessen the impact of the experience. That is my only explanation for the events following.

My rescuer and oft tormentor walked me out from the ruins of the temple plain. We stood at Gallows Hill for some little time, as I caught my breath back, and he complained that my second rescue had irritated that portion of his neck still not healed, from when the demon tore it out. I should have shrugged, but instead, I offered to heal him further. Why, to this moment, I know not.

I brought him back to the nearest place I knew for privacy, and for the run of it, he did behave, and I suppose I abandoned all need to guard against him. It took me a bit to learn a way to heal him, without re-injuring him, and that was a massive improvement on previous attempts. It took some time, but I realigned him, repaired the damage to his spine, restructured him according to what his body remembered.

And then, when I had finished, and was pulling away, he turned, and pinned me to the floor.

half accidental
half pain full instrumental
I have a lot to think about
you think they're joking?
you have to go provoke him...
I guess it's high time you found out

I struggled, flailing against him, but he kissed me, forcing his tongue past my lips before I could clench my jaw shut, and unspooling what felt like sixteen feet of tongue down my throat. He could not pin both wrists and unfasten his garments, so I slashed at his arms and throat, face and chest, doing him grave damage. Still he came on.

I struggled still, screaming into his mind to stop, making him flinch, but he did not stop. I lashed at him with my nascent power; he shuddered, and continued on. In sheer desperation, I sank my fangs into the base of his tongue, drawing at killing speed, too much to swallow, nearly too much to breathe through--his dark blood flowing from the sides of my mouth, down my chin, across my pale fur. Soon I was liberally coated, from lips to navel, in his fluids, dark and gleaming in the half-light.

He began to slow, but not enough. He kicked my legs open, nearly dislocating them from their sockets, and pressed down, pressing in. I screamed that my vow to my demon would not allow this, screamed with force that would have shredded the mind of any human, and he only groaned, and continued.

two halves are equal
a cross between two evils
it's not an enviable lot

Then my succubus rose, when I was staggering on the breach of despair and unconsciousness. Power unfurled, tendrils thick as ropes, now, not delicate ribboned threads, wrapping intangibly around his arms, his legs, the muscles moving under his skin. They penetrated him as easily as I had been, and began to draw in all of him--power, desire, consciousness, life. They drew until he collapsed and went limp, in more than one sense, and laboriously, I crawled from underneath him, pulling off of everything he'd pierced me with, taking long minutes to cough out his tongue from my depths as he lay as one dead.

I confess, I did not stop to check or to ensure he was. I ran from my home. Bloodied, bruised, hurting, I limped from there, falling off my balcony rather than gently bubbling down, limping, running into trees, blinded, my vision still dusted silver from the succubus' rise. I reached the sithen, the door opening for me as I stumbled to it, and collapsed into a shaking ball, mewling, the grass cool against my skin.

and when I let him in I feel my stitches getting sicker
I try to wash him out but like she said: the blood is thicker
I see my mother in my face
but only when I travel
I run as fast as I can run
Jack comes tumbling after....

The first of my demon's warriors found me, shaking on the green. She helped me up, supported me from the sithen, half-carried me through the wilds to the bathing pool, and eased me in, helping me wash the monk's blood from my skin and easing me, with words and understanding. When she left, I was breathing again, I could think again, but that meant I had to think it all through.

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For most of last night, and much of today, I have spent sitting on the floor of the sithen, doing just that. I have concluded several things.

First, why I did not simply transform into a spider, and poison him, and scuttle away, will mystify my brain for days to come. Second, though yes, we did touch flesh to flesh, as my vow forbade, it was not by my will. Moreover, my vow did not stop there--it was a choice, a choice between the monk, and my demon, and I chose then, I choose now, my warrior, my half-Drow Raven, my demon. I cannot do other.

Third, I have been unbearably reckless with one I love, and it is only now occuring to me. I cannot continue in this manner. I must be more accepting that mine is not the only heart that can be harmed in this. Else...I will lose him, in truth, and be unable to fault him in any wise should he leave. My own actions will drive him far from my touch, and I will have only myself to blame.

I cannot lose him. I pray it not be too late, pray to all the Gods I know. If it is, it will be fault through my own actions, and inactions. I must take more care.

And I must stop trusting demons. Mayhap even mine. I must view all of them with a level of suspicion, if only to keep myself safe.

I'm halfway home now
half hoping
for a showdown
cause I'm not big enough to house this crowd
it might destroy me
but I'd sacrifice my body
if it meant I'd get the Jack part OUT

And the Queen has proposed an exorcism. Of the succubus within. I am not proud enough to admit, I would miss some of the abilities, but mayhap she is right, they do me more harm than good, and they are getting stronger. And I am reckless with them. Mayhap there needs to be a removal...I only pray I am strong enough to survive.

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I am trying to be a better person, a better woman, a better Sidhe. It is hard, these things, but harder still to be a better love. But I am trying. I am trying.

(lyrics from Dresden Dolls' "Half Jack")

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