Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I'm so sick of speaking words no one understands

You're too important for anyone
You play the role of all you long to be
But I, I know who you really are
You're the one who cries when you're alone


I spin deeper into the dark, limbo welcomed this time, as it hasn't been others. It had to be a great pain to tear me from the world, and so it was, a deep pain, the beginning, perhaps, of a great grieving.

But where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can't escape
You can't escape


I was offered the world, I was offered entry, I had stood, earlier, stood with one hand upon the portal and the other curled around the book I'd found, old-new tales of the Unseelie, to instruct me again in their ways, our ways, our habits and abilities. I had said no. I had refused the world.

You think that I can't see right through your eyes
Scared to death to face reality
No one seems to hear your hidden cries
You're left to face yourself alone


It had to be a great pain, and so it was, to tear me from the world I love. Decisions have to be made, and they will be made, this night. I will know my path before I enter the world again. And if that takes longer than this one night, then I will be in limbo, longer.

But where will you go (where will you go)
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can't escape
The truth
I realize you're afraid (I realize)
But you can't abandon everyone
You can't escape
You don't want to escape


When I know, I come back in. I turn from the point of light, the portal to the world, and spin deeper into the dark. I curl around the book, odd source of security, but it is here and I am alone, and perhaps that is meant to be, too.

I'm so sick of speaking words that no one understands
Is it clear enough that you can't live your whole life all alone?
I can hear you when you whisper
But you can't even hear me screaming


Mine to choose the weapons, yes. Mine as challenged. I have only myself to blame if my challenger is honorless and refuses to play by the rules. But my responsibility because, as usual, I have dared to be open with my plans, with my heart, with my words.

I do not, I cannot, close my heart. It hurts, it bleeds, but I have fought too hard to open it, so that those I love can see me. I have fought too hard, lost too much, to go back on that.

Where will you go (where will you go)
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can't escape
The truth
I realize you're afraid (I realize)


But I will take this back. No more words of war and battle, no more implications and insinuations. My plans will be my own. My words will be my own, at least until this war is ended. One way or another.

But you can't reject the whole world
You can't escape
You won't escape
You can't escape
You don't want to escape


But I will say this, before I turn from all speaking. I will have this known: if any I love are hurt by this, if any I love cease to breathe in the world beyond, because I am distracted with this petty little war...I will wind up that death and affix it in the ways I know and lay it, broken and injurious, at my challenger's door. For it will be our fault, together, if it happens, and we both should eat the fruit of it.

I curl around the book and know pain from the sharp corners. Let me feel pain. Let me feel pain if I cannot feel joy, tumbling through the dark. Let me remember what it feels like, to hurt. For I'll need to know before I face my challenger again.

(Lyrics are from Evanescence, "Where Will You Go?")

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