Wednesday, May 23, 2007

and I could be your favorite girl

If I could escape
I would, but first of all let me say
I must apologize for acting stank and treating you this way
Cause I've been acting like sour milk fell on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold


Girl in the aether, figuring it all out for the second time. Made life choices for another life, and remain fairly happy with them, but here...it's been all about dizzy love and desperate passions and delirious dancing. And frocks. Good gods, we cannot leave out the frocks.

If I could escape
And re-create a place in my own world
And I could be your favorite girl
Forever, perfectly together
Now tell me boy, wouldn't that be sweet?


But still...learning my way. Piecing it together. Frequently I'm slow on the uptake, so when the candleflame finally flickers into glow atop my head, I've already been doing something potentially injurious to the idea for months. It's just my way.

And once I do realize what I want, and see if there's a way to achieve it, I can't just go do what I want because there are others in my life. And I've never wanted just the one thing, you see. Makes things terrifically complicated at times...

If I could be sweet
I know I've been a real bad girl
I didn't mean for you to get hurt
Forever, we can make it better
Now tell me boy, wouldn't that be sweet?
Sweet escape

(I wanna get away, to our sweet escape)


It's still three. It's still the neko, the statue and the moon in orbit. I need to spend more time away from the others, bathed in the cool moonglow, communicating deeply with silver light and dark night. But I must fit that in to existing plans with the neko, and any time I can spare for the statue, and did I mention trying to hold down one job, and potentially gaining a whole new employment venue soon, and a potential third employment opportunity...

...As usual, I'm overcommitted. And find time to build new dresses for sale, and research various requests people toss me, and maintain a social life...

::blinks::

It may not be possible.

You let me down
I'm at my lowest boiling point
Come help me out
I need to get me out of this joint
Come on, let's bounce
Counting on you to turn me around
Instead of clowning around for some common ground


But I have to make the best of it, because I'm here. And yes, I do realize, most men don't have the challenge of the girl they love loving others. But--for all it's going to sound like ego, here--most men don't love me. Frustrating as I can be at times--and believe me, I do know this--I hope I make such sacrifices at least a little worthwhile.

Because if I don't, well, my darlings, we all have bigger problems.

So baby, times getting a little crazy
I've been getting a little lazy
Waiting for you to come save me
I can see that you're angry
By the way the you treat me
Hopefully you don't leave me
Want to take you with me


I'm sure there will be more argument in future. I'm absolutely sure we aren't done yet, dealing with everything being a quartet is going to fling at us. And the neko is right--three men, one of me, how is that supposed to work out? And the darkened moon shines down his own truth--I don't know the statue that well, and I am dedicated to spending much more time, learning his ways. As much time as I spent learning the neko's, back in the beginning, or observing the darkened moon in orbit.

If I could escape
And re-create a place in my own world
And I could be your favorite girl
Forever, perfectly together
Now tell me boy, wouldn't that be sweet?


In the end...it is our actions, that speak loudest, though our words ring in memory. I'm trying to let mine prove love, as much as I can. I am graced with an understanding statue. I would like to be graced with understanding all around, and I think for the most part, it's slow, but there's surety it will arrive. I see glimpses here and there, and that makes me very happy.

If I could be sweet
I know I've been a real bad girl
I didn't mean for you to get hurt
Forever, we can make it better
Now tell me boy, wouldn't that be sweet?
Sweet escape


In the meantime, I have the time I have, and so do they. I need to be better about not trying to spend all hours of the night awake, for that has been a hazard. I think I'll put out the laundry basket in the tree, maybe even scout the grid, see if I can find a two-person basket, and put up a slideshow display of pictures, since I no longer have windows to look out.

(Before anyone potentially thinks this is me, grumping over a design flaw of the new house, I am not. I asked for no windows.)

Cause I've been acting like sour milk fell on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold


It's hard, though, dealing with disconnection. I have so little time with the neko, and that is not his fault, and that is not something that will change. I hear his voice in distant tones, and this pleases me, and I am committed to not drift away. I admit, I was starting to, white ship leaving for the far shore, and that was my fault, and that was something within my power to change. I'm doing my best to do so.

If I could escape
And re-create a place in my own world
And I could be your favorite girl
Forever, perfectly together
Now tell me boy, wouldn't that be sweet?


It's harder than I thought, too, being open. Nearly every relationship I've had on the grid, I've flung my way into, with no thought of parachute for the fall, no thought of how hard the ground would be if I fell, not flew. And while I still do that, I try to think along the way, now: what will this heart require of me? How do I compromise my needs against theirs? How do we meet in the middle of our two souls, and make a space for us?

I never considered that before, I was just--there, flying, existing in the warm embrace of love, and when love left me, I had little defenses against the cold of the upper atmosphere. And then, of course, the sudden drop to earth never helped.

If I could be sweet
I know I've been a real bad girl
I didn't mean for you to get hurt
Forever, we can make it better
Now tell me boy, wouldn't that be sweet?


But it's good, I see all this. Because I can be terribly dense at times, about love, about compromise, about relationships, about devotion, about the give and take of all the giving and taking. I treasure my three, and don't know what else to do other than hear them, and love them, and respond how best I know to what they will of me...and carry a parachute, just in case.

Because this time? I'd rather be prepared, and never need it, than never prepare, and fall again. I don't think preparation ensures separation; I think it helps stabilize me, and all of them in turn, because I know I'm not looking for a way out.

I'm a labyrinth, I think. But at least I have comfortable seating at the heart of the maze. And there are now four chairs in place.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Also? This entry from the Winged Girl proposes some new words that we resi's of the grid should adapt.

::grins::

I already use "port" over "teleport" or "tp"; now I want "death feature", "signa-tachment" (hello, my very nearly trademark angel-wing back tattoo!), and "inventrash" to catch on. I have a lot of inventrash I need to go through...

(Song is Gwen Stefani's "The Sweet Escape".)

2 comments:

Seraph said...

You can definitely find laundry baskets for two—I have one in my tree, obtained by my own shifter. Ask either of us about the maker, but she would probably know where to get it.

hugs I'm so glad things seem to be working out for you.

emillyorr said...

Weirdly, she did know, and off I went to get one, and found something that potentially, the doll must own--an avatar-sized sittable pincushion (designed for Hybrid's mice, but nonetheless). HEE!