Monday, January 23, 2012

you never needed any help, you sold me out to save yourself

We now reach the third missive, the one not sent from Miss Edwards:

And--unless I hear from them again--this should tie up the series (and part two is here).

Donna Cullen (
To: Emilly Orr:
1:03 AM (9 hours ago)

Hi Emilly,

Is it just me? I think I'm going to have this knee-jerk reaction to anyone named Cullen because of those ridiculous books.

I recently discovered your blog, and I have become a frequent reader.

I highly doubt that.

Coincidentally, we recently published an article entitled (10 Ways to Find Out If Your Love Wants Kids) that I believe would draw considerable interest from your readers. If you are interested in sharing with them, then feel free to do so.

Here's the link for your convenience: ([[trimmed this one because it was from "topdatingsites", not "bestdatingsites", and yes, I do believe that is spam I smell]]).


Donna Cullen

I'm not so much interested in this topic (not that I was that interested in the other two), but I still traipsed off to see what they'd come up with this time:

1. Invite Them To Family Dinner – Dinners or other gatherings where the extended family will be together are a great way to expose your mate to the little ones in your family. If they ignore the kids altogether, they might not be interested in any of their own.

Flashing back to the first article, it's also a great way to scare a new partner off. But let's assume this one was written from the perspective of people who've been together a while, and one of them is thinking they want kids, so this is a list of...what, how to maneuver them into asking about children? Who knows?

2. Take a Trip to The Park – A romantic day at the park can also serve as a barometer for parental instincts. If your lover avoids the kids or seems irritated by them, they might not be parent material.

....What, you can't just go strolling in the park anyway, first, and second, a romantic day out is a great "barometer" for judging parental instincts? Hells, take them to a G-rated movie on a Saturday afternoon. Why the romantic stroll? I don't get it.

3. Point Out Cute Kids – The next time you're enjoying a shopping trip or dining out with your honey and you spot a particularly adorable tyke, point them out. If they seem disinterested or change the subject, starting a family might not be on their to-do list.

"Oh, honey, look, isn't she just the sweetest thing?" You're going to get three reactions to this from most people:
  • 1. "Hon, are you feeling okay? Maybe we need to go home."
  • 2. "If you say so..."
  • 3. "You're creeping me out, here."

4. Talk About General Plans For the Future – Asking your sweetie where they see themselves in ten years or what their long-term goals are might turn up the answers you're looking for. If they want children in the future, they'll probably say so in their response.

And they may not. So you could just, oh, I don't know, mention kids? Why can't you just say you want kids? (Or don't want kids, for that matter?) Isn't it better to be honest and just ask?

5. Mention Friends' Children – Talking about your friends' kids can elicit a response from your significant other in a general sense; if you relay a particularly cute anecdote, they may mention how they're looking forward to children of their own one day. Conversely, they may firmly state that they never want kids.

And either is okay, but it's better to be sure either way. Still, this seems awfully premeditated. Again, why can't you just sit down with the one you love and ask if they want children?

6. Start a Discussion About Birth Control – The issue of birth control is one that every couple has to address; it's a great opportunity to say things like, "I want children one day, but definitely not yet." Statements like this can get the conversation off the ground without feeling like you're pushing too hard.

If they aren't already creeped out by your romantic strolls pointing out cute kids after meeting your family, sure.

7. Visit Friends or Family in the Hospital After a Birth – Few things stir up the parental instincts like a newborn. If a friend or family member has a new baby, bring your mate along for the visit. Simply seeing new parents in action might cause the conversation to develop naturally.

So, spend the day strolling in the park while your partner points out cute kids after meeting the family and talking about birth control, and that evening--go to the maternity ward!

Honestly, at this point your partner is waving signs and lighting flares. If you're still clueless about the way the conversation is going, you may be too dim to date.

8. Pay Attention To Their Language – The words that a person uses and their inflection can often clue you in to their thought processes. When the subject of children comes up, watch their facial expressions and listen to the way they speak. If their tone is derisive or disgusted, it's a good sign that they're not interested in parenting.

Yes, or calling children "hellspawn", say, or always carting around a ball of yarn and knitting baby socks with, there's another huge clue. Who are these people? These are their best tips to start that conversation about children?!?

9. Observe How They Interact With Their Nieces and Nephews – While introducing your mate to the little ones in your family can give you some clues, their behavior can be colored by the desire to make a good impression or anxiety from meeting the whole clan. Watching how your lover interacts with the children in their own family can be more telling, as they're likely to be more comfortable and genuine.

Guess you're out of luck if they're an only child.

10. Just Ask – Taking the plunge and asking this question can be nerve-wracking, but so can analyzing their every move and trying to decode their statements. If becoming a parent (or not) is a deal-breaker for you, you should take the bull by the horns, so to speak.

Why didn't you just say that in the first place?!? Good gods, these people are irritating.

Yeah, I think this ends here. I hear from them again, I'm just marking it as spam. Lunatics.


Icterus Dagger said...

The scary (and funny??) thing about these e-mails is how closely they resemble the Yahoo! "news" items of similar titles (I think they brand it under "Shine"). Their business advice is even more hilarious - or scary, depending on how you look at it!


Deoridhe said...

Wow, those are... really kinda pathetic. I'd be tempted, if I started getting these lists, to come up with a "10 Ways You Fail to Be Interesting" or something of the like to email back to them. XD A la the Bloggess' "Here is a picture of Will Wheaton collating paper".

Rhianon Jameson said...

I'm thinking of a blog entry: "10 reasons to run screaming from 'Top 10' lists." It says something about the attention span of the targeted reader that he or she requires no more than 10 sound bites - trite sound bites, as a general rule - before the piece gets too complex to read.

Emilly Orr said...


So, you know I had to look this up. And some of their articles are fairly entertaining (though that's not the first milk-based clothing line, just FYI--in the 1950s, there was a brief fad for using milk casein in swimsuits--until it was discovered that they faded into near-translucence when wet, and then the company folded).

The thing is, while the articles on Yahoo's "Shine" seem absurdly minimal and kind of fluffy, they're at least trying to talk to women as if they want to ponder things, not just muse on ways to rook their lover into talking about something without ever asking about it, or tips on how to avoid really specious arguments.

Emilly Orr said...


Okay, it's kind of sad how much I like that last one--just randomly inserting pictures of Wil Wheaton doing random things to end blog entries. :D

"This is Wil Wheaton with a monkey." This is Wil Wheaton holding soap." "This is Wil Wheaton looking smug."

...Sadly, that might be more interesting than the 'top ten' lists from the dating sites.

Emilly Orr said...

Miss Jameson,

Life on the internet is pretty much a constant display of Short Attention Span Theatre. I'm amused, though, that the biggest site for short has higher list counts for some of their topics. While most average five to eight items, some go as high as twenty-three. Obviously, they're pretty convinced people will still be reading along to the end of a list containing eighteen, twenty-two, or twenty-three items.

Serenity Semple said...

LOVED this post. XD Almost died laughing, it's so true! Half of these books out there are just completely 'derped'. Had a lot of fun reading this one. ^^

Emilly Orr said...

*grins* Yeah, and also, just to put this down? It took me the rest of the day--nearly six hours, total--to pry free of random links. :p

Kristi said...

I love how they always have these generic, common names (Miller, Smith, Jones) and a gmail account.

Such BS.

Emilly Orr said...

I'm...not entirely sure to what you're responding, since the email cited in this post gives the last name of "Cullen", and most of my spam in general features uncommon names.

I can't even agree that most of my spam comes from Gmail-based accounts--some come from rehost servers, or even AOL or Hotmail.