Friday, January 6, 2012

and I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said

come on down to my part of town
where the bullets light up the sky
it's the fifth of May every day
no one averts their eyes


Has it been a year since I pulled away from the weave of my life? I am tired of being betrayed by people I trusted. Tired of betraying people I looked up to, admired, respected. But when is it enough? When can I stop backing away instead of striding forward? When will I feel safe enough to reach out again?

When do I get over the burning loss, the hurt, the pain of departure? Do I ever get over these feelings?

or we could go to the country, find a willow tree
lay down and whisper to its roots
"Won't you take my sorrow from me?"


And it would be made no easier were there a love on the grid to devote time to, spend time with, relax in the arms of...but even that, I do not have, and for much of the same reasons: I tire, deeply tire, of the crash and burn that seems to infect every relationship I have.

you can come with me, but I don't suggest you stay
I have a habit of leaving damage in my wake
I was born under a new moon, it dictates that fate
'cos if my highs don't get you, my lows will, guaranteed


Now, I hold L$2500 in Lindens. My rent, on my sole remaining parcel of Winterfell, is L$1500 per week. I can pay one more week, then have to give the parcel back when the rent runs out...or I can give it back now. I'm atill debating which is the better option.

I talk to the angels, I listen to the stones
stormwinds know me best now; only with them am I at home
I'm serenaded by the ocean
and I'm looked after by the roads
the blood in my veins is older than anything you've ever known


All because Ayesha Lytton fired the woman who was helping me pay rent, and I am too wary to find another position on my own.

you can come with me, but I don't suggest you stay
I have a habit of leaving damage in my wake
I was born on a new moon, it dictates my fate
if my highs don't get you, my lows will, guaranteed


I think...I think this honestly might be it. My heart can't take any more. I can't bear to be close to people, my business is dead, and I can't even conceive of putting myself into someone else's hands, so I can be fired yet another time for saying the wrong thing, supporting the wrong cause, arguing with the wrong underling.

you're right, I'm a whole different species
you're right, I'm not from here
but that's probably why you like me, you like a little fear


If I don't trust anyone enough to work for them; if we now have better things, brighter things, off the grid that eat up any 'play' money remaining; if there's no one to love and cherish on the grid, and shopping isn't an option...And with the business evaporated, I can't even find joy in creating things...Seriously, what's left?

but I'm golden-hearted, baby
born, lived, and will die free
you're just in love with romance, only with the idea of me


What is left?

you can come with me, but I don't suggest you stay
I have a habit of leaving damage in my wake
I was born on a new moon, it dictates that fate
'cos if my highs don't break you, then my lows will, guaranteed


Even the blind hunting, the inventory ever increasing, seems a flawed and childish thing now. What good are dresses I'm never going to wear, couples' poses I'm never going to use, or furniture if I do lose my last home on the grid? What good is any of it if I'm never there to use it?

What good is being there if I rarely leave my house?

I'm a different thing, baby, not what you need
I'm a different thing, baby, not what you need


I'm a hollow shell, searching for my heartbeat, and I have no idea what to do to fill myself up again. All I am is echoes disappearing on the winds.

When do I stop feeling like this? How long do I keep feeling like this? And how soon can I move on?

(Lyrics from Fairuza Balk's "Stormwinds", but adapted to the recording, not the lyrics as given on her site.)

5 comments:

Icterus Dagger said...

Miss Emilly,

I think I may be in need of some perspective shifting. I'd taken it as some assumption that people come into worlds like SL as a sort of enriching break from RL, or at least to experiment with different ways of being. Although it is hard to tell, because you are so (understandably) tight lipped about your RL, your SL seems to be more melodramatic than any RL I know of. If this is how my typical SL experience was, I'd have reevaluated and left long ago. RL has enough triumphs and tragedies in any given day to have to expend EVEN MORE of it on SL or SL-like concerns. What are you running from, my friend? You've built this tremendous castle about you, running here and there patching the walls up as they crumble, never stopping to check if it might just be time to leave the kingdom for fairer shores. Does that mean you must leave SL to do that? Of course not - but you've been so unhappy for so long, buried under the morass of loss and second-guessing. Get out from under that while you can (and I think you still can) and start again. Cleanse yourself.

Despite anything you've said, done or believed, there are those of us here that love you for who you are. I see the pain. I see the imperfections. But none of that matters.

If you leave, I will be sad. But I will always be here.

-iD

Alexandra Rucker said...

Maybe it's time to join the furry side of the force and avoid the humanoids for a while. :)

Edward Pearse said...

Yeah, pretty much what he said. :-)

I miss the chatting and I would certainly miss you if you left. But staying out of habit, especially if there's no fun in it, just makes it drag even more.

Emilly Orr said...

Icterus,

I suppose the morbid irony here is that, while there are definite RL pressures, the thing that's causing the current state of collapse is facing the loss of Winterfell Laudanum. It's a single parcel; I feel absolutely sure Lady Serra will rent it again when I go; but I cannot continue to expect people to pay for that virtual plot if neither I, nor the lady in question, are working in-world at present.

Perhaps unique in all of SL, for the most part I've always paid for SL items and SL rents with funds I've been paid for by working in SL. I have never just blindly funnelled RL coins into Lindens, and I'm hardly likely to start now.

Lose the business, lose the home, and then everything else crashes in, because what else do I have? Over seventy-six thousand items in inventory and I rarely leave my skybox. (I don't even live on the ground, anymore!) No business. Friends I care for, but no loves, and no employment opportunities I trust.

Could all this change? Some of it, likely. But right now I have to decide whether I'm keeping the parcel or not, and if I'm not, then I'm homeless again for the first time in six years. It's not the end of the world, but 'owning' land in SL has always been a source of both pride and comfort.

Now both will be gone.

Emilly Orr said...

Edward,

Pretty much. See, I knew I had an issue when I received the invitation for the Snowflake Ball and the first emotion was elation, followed by crippling dread. It's a dance, what the hell...but it all just hit me. I wouldn't be bringing anyone because there's no one to bring; I don't feel social enough to actually ask people to dance with me; and I don't feel strong enough to go and hold my head up if there's any hint of controversy.

These aren't good things, and with the current RL chaos, more pressure than I need.