Monday, January 23, 2012

and there's a kind of hate that tastes like birthday cake

From: Mary Edwards (maryedwards26@gmail.com)
To: Emilly Orr
Date: Jan 17

Hi Emilly,


Um. Hi...

We would love to share with you an article that we just posted on our own blog! (10 Tips for Being Patient with a New Relationship) is linked below and could be a fun way to share this announcement with your readers.

([[link redacted because it's off a 'bestdatingsites' site]])


Err. Have you read the title of the blog? Relationship success seems not to be my thing.

It has been a sincere pleasure to read your great content.

I'm...glad?

Sincerely

Mary Edwards


Huh. How weird. So, I perused the link:

1. Step Away From the Cell Phone – In our constantly-connected society, it's easy to flood a new partner with Facebook wall posts, texts and emails from a cell phone. While keeping a line of communication open is vital, it's equally important to allow a new relationship some breathing room.

I don't own a cell phone. Problem solved.

2. Spend Time With Friends – Don't be a cliché by ignoring your friends in favor of a new honey. If you have a long-standing tradition of poker with the boys or girl's night margaritas, keep it. Your friends will be more likely to accept a mate that doesn’t take up all of your time, and these outings will give the two of you something to talk about the next time you get together.

I suppose that's fair. New relationship, you want to spend all your time with the new love; I get that. Still, people abandon their friends for the new lad or lass entirely? I'd think that means you're not really fond of your friends.

(And yes, I separate ignoring people because I'm trying to figure out my own life from swooning over the new exciting love--sure, I'm still ignoring my friends, but really, some days I'm not good company anyway.)

3. Focus On Your Hobbies and Favorite Pastimes – Losing yourself completely in a new relationship can easily be the kiss of death; your interests and pastimes are likely a big part of what attracted your new mate. Letting them fall to the wayside to spend every moment together leaves very little material for conversation and can cause your lover to feel stifled.

Yeah...don't think that's really an issue. Considering if I'm not typing I have a needle in my hand--and I'm not kidding, I bring embroidery projects and patchwork bits to sew on the bus, while waiting for the bus, in restaurants, at theatres, shopping--I mean, some cloth-based project is pretty much constantly with me.

4. Avoid "The Talk" – It's natural to wonder where a new relationship is headed, but it’s a good idea to hold off on having "The Talk" for a while. Letting things develop naturally can be a bit nerve-wracking, but it's necessary.

Riiiiight. Okay, 1. For whom is letting things develop naturally, "nerve-wracking"? And 2. Many people wonder where relationships are heading right off the bat? Seriously?

5. Keep It Light – In the early days of a relationship, it's best to avoid the heavy plans for your future and talk of marriage and children. Don't introduce your long-term plans when a coupling is new, or it may not last very long.

Doesn't tip 5 pretty much just repeat tip 4?

6. Be Careful With the Booze – There's a reason why alcohol is also called "Truth Serum." One phone call after a night of drinking can undo all of your cautious work when you've just started dating someone.

Well, sure, but that really goes for anyone--be careful drinking with new loves, be careful drinking with new friends, be careful drinking with coworkers.

7. Don't Change Your Plans – Before you met your new love interest, you probably had some long-term goals and plans for your future. Avoid the temptation to change those plans to suit a brand-new relationship; despite how you feel in the honeymoon phase, there is always a chance that things won't work out.

To be blunt, duh. And not only duh, but again, aren't they repeating themselves? I mean, unless your long-term goals are eat the next person I meet and pour lye on the bones, in which case, hey, don't do that.

8. Keep Your Priorities Straight – Though it's difficult in the first blush, try to keep your priorities in line. Don't let your new relationship take a toll on your work or other obligations, as it can very easily cause resentment when things inevitably begin to cool down and you’re forced to play catch-up.

Uh...okay, first, they're assuming you're going to a) neglect everyone you know in favor of b) this person you just met for c) long-term relationshipping which d) you're not supposed to talk to them about because e) they might freak out and leave you, so f) keep your mind on the target which you're not thinking about, because all of this is going to fail and you'll be left alone again to wither and die.

This is love advice?!?

9. Don't Play Mind Games – When things aren't moving as quickly as you'd like, don't resort to passive-aggressive mind games. Slyly referencing others that are interested in you or the ex that still has feelings will almost always blow up in your face.

And well I know this, however--seriously, most people do this? I mean, I play mind games as a matter of course, it was how I was raised. Hells, I honestly had no concept that people could just ask for something without angling it to sound like you were doing the other person a personal favor to give you whatever it was until high school, I'm not even kidding about that. And I've been working very hard in my adult years to tone down that instinctive response. (Just in case I've been unclear--playing with people who don't know you're manipulating them is BAD. No ifs, no ands, no buts. From lowly peasants like me all the way up to Newt Gingrich, it's just plain wrong. Period.)

But do most people in the dating realm do this? And if they do, why? Unless you're very, very good--and if you're very good, you generally don't care about anyone else in the first place--what does it get you? Someone who doesn't know who you are, reacting to words chosen more carefully than your everyday speech, and responding to manipulation, not honest emotion.

Even if you win, you lose. So why?

And finally:

10. Hold Off On Introducing the Family – Even if you have the most welcoming and interesting family on the planet, your new love interest shouldn't be meeting them for a while. Family members will ask questions that you may not be ready to answer, which will put undue pressure on you both.

Not only that, but again, seriously, if you just met whomever it was and the next weekend, you're dragging them to brunch with your mom and dad--only the hardiest soul will not see this as a Big Warning Sign. So seriously, this is dating advice? What the hell kind of people do they think are going to honestly, whole-heartedly, need these tips?

And why the hell did they decide to send this thing to me of all people?!?

More to come.

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