Friday, March 5, 2010

when they finally come to destroy the earth, they'll have to go through you first

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way


Hi, remember me? the email began. It was from 'Mary'. I pondered. I did have friends named Mary. Yet this had been sent to my spam folder. I read on.

Hello my dear. Hey, want to marry a Russian beauty? I want you, my good man. Come to my profile - you'll get a surprise! You want what would you be good? Come to me.

Hmm. Hello; no; hell, no; won't bother. But now that I was in the spam folder, I was curious.

'Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you later if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times


The tragically-misnamed 'pee_dough99' sent three cryptic words:

Power up lovegun

I...see. Is this code? Some dastardly new plan of the Evil Kitty's? Make everyone fall in love so they leave their troves of wet food unguarded?

MUAHAHAHA...wait. No, that wouldn't work.

My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails


'Britt' sent this:

UNITED NATIONS OFFICE OF INTERNATIONAL OVERSIGHT SERVICES
Internal Audit
Monitoring, Consulting And Investigations Division.


This sounded odd and jarringly over-official.

From: Mrs.Inga-Britt Ahlenius,This is to inform you that I came to Nigeria yesterday from London

...and I stopped reading. Still, don't Nigerian scams start in London and end up in Nigeria?

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines


Another one that got deleted instantly told me to Boost your donger's staying power! Right...I'll be sure to do that...soon as I nip off and grow the supposed genitalia. Pfui.

Which also reminds me--apparently (and I can't track down the chat quote, I can't remember where my chat lags are now between three different browsers going up and coming down), there is at least one pregnant belly that has an extremely jarring green spam chat. It actually refers to the babe-to-be's emergent genitalia.

Not kidding. It says his--one can only assume his, it's more bizarre if it's not a developing him--"baby dong" flips.

I have no words for this. Nor do I have a place in my brain that can comfortable go. Why on earth would anyone make that chat spam for a talking belly in the first place??

I thought I thought I was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all


From 'bryan.wiliams' comes this puzzling surrealist gem:

Hello. I`m Victoria. it is about you or no?

I have no idea. Victoria, why is your first name Bryan?

Good Bye :-)

Good-bye. And good riddance!

Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I've learned to listen through silence


Take me gently caressing my bunny! yelled another, and I am deeply ashamed to admit it, but my first thought was of Raglan Shire.

Whereupon I promptly screamed and ran for the eye bleach. Past that, though, eyes stinging and dripping, I read the rest of it:

Hi handsome - you were so good in bed with me -I want to again make love to you - no 1 man I had never done so well as you have done -
I'll procure very great pleasure - my body was looking at your pictures just on fire!


Uh...

Really. Impassioned declarations of how good I was with someone I've never met, as random spam mail, are not going to sell any product.

Seriously, now, in 1895, did seedy uncouth gentlemen knock on random doors selling Viagra and offering Russian ladies to wed? I don't think so. Why do we have it now?

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me always be


And 'wlq2661@yahoo.com' chimes in with this helpful tip:

Give her real immoral pleasure

I'll be sure to keep that in mind.

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me I'm almost ready
When he meant let go


A few lines beyond that, someone improbably named "test user" sent me email with this ironic and lovely title:

**SPAM** URGENT!

Spam is never urgent. But more than that, this is a spammer who has missed xir calling entirely. Xie should have gone into comedy; that's classic.

While we're still wandering the Department of Irony, a Mr. "hikawang" wanted me to know that I could

Heighten your intimate experience!

He went on to say

Suffer from low desire?

but nothing else. Hikawang is a man of few words.

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines


In other news, American McGee is taking on another tale--and this time it's Red. While he has both successes and somewhat dismal failures to his credit, I'm still pulling for him to have another triumph with "Red". To that end, unintended coincidence, there's a grid-wide hunt going on called Chase of the Beast I've mentioned here. There are quite a few rather more adult "Red" dresses on that hunt...

(And yes, you aren't hearing things--for some bizarre reason, the LouLou & Company blog opens up with Nancy Sinatra. I don't know why, either.)

And I want to introduce you to Edward Hill to wind things up, and the oddity that is vocaliz. (Though apparently there is also a quartet of singers that are named after the style, as well.) The main video in question appeared as a brief blip on the Daily Beast blog, but it's really a more interesting tale. Many countries feature a capella singing; how many feature singing complete songs--with titles, even--that are intended to be sung without words?

We have singers who take on the challenge of singing, vocally, instrumental songs, but I really don't think we have anything like this. Not that I've heard of, anyway. I'm fascinated. I'm also hearing odd corollary notes now and again to Lee Marvin's Wandering Star from Paint Your Wagon.

However you think of it, it's impressive, nonetheless, and I would agree with Mr. Smith when he says the older singer's club interpretation rings as true, and Edward Hill's hits the viewer with the oddest sense of plasticine parody. Is it that we can hear recognizable words in the earlier version, like what we think we hear with Adriano Celentano's Prisencolinensinainciusol? Or is it just the odd expression on his face in the first place, midway between Primus' plastic people suits and the aggressively smiling man from the EnZyte commercials?

We may never know.

In other news, slightly more crucial, don't install the latest NVIDIA drivers if you play in any graphics-intensive game. Why? According to IncGamers, the new drivers cause the fans to overheat. This is very bad.

If you've already installed the drivers, use the links provided at IncGamers, or at the post on MMORPG.

And to briefly touch on art, you should take a look--and a listen--to Katie Peterson's latest show. She comes up with some of the most interesting melds of art and science I've seen, and for the few months that installation was up and active, one could use their cellphones to dial a very distant part of the world, and listen to it change. That in itself is a startling concept, born on the heels of scientific advances and the darker recesses of the human heart.

It's worth a look. Go. Listen to the glacier.

(Lyrics taken from Sara Bareilles' "Between the Lines".)

2 comments:

Sphynx Soleil said...

Just FYI? "Plastic people suits" points to a login page. I'm assuming you meant for it to go elsewhere. :)

Emilly Orr said...

Damn it, I knew I missed one somewhere.

It was supposed to lead here. It's fixed now.