Tuesday, May 15, 2007

to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong

No one ever said polyamory was easy. In fact, there are some very common poly mistakes that everyone falls victim to, even me. This is always, always complicated by the fact that in my love life, the train wreck is composed of poly and monogamous people, and it's always been a balancing act between soaring above the tracks, and falling into rust on fire.

Especially now that there's conflict, when I'm still figuring out what I, as lover and loved, wish to accomplish with my relationships, and still try to keep my mind open to what my other loves are feeling, thinking, reacting to in my life.

I'm also currently considering a change in my structure, the mentioning of which may well have started to destabilize the relationship I have with my neko lad. I was never advocating abandoning his position as my primary, or as one very close to my heart; it was always more, trying to decide if primary/secondary structuring is the best for me, and for those with which I involve myself.

I'm beginning to wonder if I don't simply have a triad of primaries at this point: the neko, the statue and the darkened moon. Though my heart is called to others--sometimes strongly, sometimes (at this point, simply through lack of time to see them or for them to see me) significantly less strongly--there are those three in my life my heart orbits, and I would be lost without them.

There are other changes on the horizon, and, at some point, those will have to be discussed, which may cause more of the train wreck to slag into glow and cinder--but as of now, we're not there, and as of now, I'm simply trying to stabilize what I have, make sure it's what I want, make sure that I am caring and nurturing those whom I care for as much as I can...Balancing act. Fire and molten metal. It's difficult, it seems to be designed to be so.

To that end...this is the end of the tree saga.

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Sometimes my friends are staggering, they astound me with the gifts of their spirits, the care in their souls. This entire structure was a gift from TotalLunar Eclipse and Tensai Hilra (she did the doors, Lunar built everything else), because they saw me unhappy. I am humbled, grateful, and completely blown away that they would do this for me.

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The inside of the main unit--a two-room structure with ornate shoji screening and a moon door. I am so very tempted to build a low table, scatter cushions around it, and buy a futon low to the floor with cuddle poses. Maybe get a wind chime. It's a lovely, lovely space.

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The back room, with closer view of the detail on the screening struts. Plus yours truly, shifter version fox. This is little known outside of Rivula, but when I am feeling tremendously insecure and anxious, I crawl into the fox fur and generally, stay close to home--which was before Lumindor, and remains now, Rivula.

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Adding a quick burst of foliage to the blunt top of the tree. Or I may pop out my garden pod, see if that's something I want at the top of the tree. What I really want is a spreading arch of branches and foliage, but I don't have the texture Lunar used. It's not overly important, anyway. The mere fact that the tree exists, is the important point.

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Side view of the structure with the added foliage. All of this, Lunar built in one afternoon. It staggers me--both that he took the time and built something this graceful, this elegant, in a scant few hours, and also, that he took the time to build this for me, because I was upset. I am not used to--okay, this is going to sound specious as hell, but first, I'm not used to people noticing when I'm upset, and more than that, I'm not used to people doing things to this extent to try to make it better.

I couldn't ask for better friends. The metamorph, the technical angel, the ambassador, the Victorian, the Irish spitfire, the warrior goddess, the harried sim manager, the geisha, the playboy, the vampiric tiger, the Queen of Air and Darkness, the deep blue night, the God of Fun Anger, the neurotic fur, the cheetah, the clockwork orphan, the boy from Eire, the Sidhe Companion...everyone I've mentioned and everyone I haven't...I'm deeply grateful, amazed, astounded constantly, by these bright alive lights in my existence.

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It's a hard thing to do, for me, apologize--it is, ever and always, easier to shade the conversation so that things I've done wrong are things others end up apologizing to me for doing. What is it Tolkien said? Do not go to the elves for counsel, for they will tell you both no and yes...that's part of it. That, and I'm an extremely manipulative wench when I want to be.

I'm trying, very hard, not to want to be. So it was important that I send the note of apology to the neko lad. It was more important that, when we met yesterday evening, I be able to accept his understandable upset with me, his harsh words, his feelings of hurt and anger--and that was harder, so hard, for me not to turn that into an attack, because in addition to being extremely manipulative? I'm also very passively aggressive and a past master at unrighteous indignation.

The patterns of a life are hard to break. I am trying. And we did reach a point of accord, and we did reach the conclusion that we are not broken, we are still together, and we will continue. This...I am again humbled, by his love, his willingness to endure, his strong heart.

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So now, the replacement tree is up. It is not mine, it is not the work of my hands, but in more ways than one, it is better--where I wanted proof of something that I could create, so that I felt less useless, now I have something that will say with every step within the structure, every sight of it, every casual thought of it--that I have friends who find me valuable enough to do things like this for me. I am valued. I have value. I have friends who care enough about me to show me how much they value me.

Maybe I need to redevelop some small sense of ego. Not overweening and bloated, but just...a bit more integrity and sense of accomplishment than I have now. Because this was a necessary thing, which may make the previous pain of destruction and complication worth it, start to finish. Destruction precedes great change. Sometimes it's the only thing that can force that change.

I love my neko lad. I love the statue come to life. I love the darkened moon, orbiting in shadow. I love my friends.

I will try to be better to all of them.

8 comments:

Seraph said...

"I have value. I have friends who care enough about me to show me how much they value me."
Yes. You have value and you are loved. And I'm glad you have a reminder of it.

Edward Pearse said...

*smiles and hugs you*

That's really all I need to do at the moment.

Stiv Rych said...

EM'S A FURRY!!!111oneone

emillyorr said...

EM'S A FURRY!!!111oneone

STIV'S A....*koff*

Now listen. You KNEW I had the fox, O Lord my God. Honestly, clueless, sometimes. WORK ON THAT PAPER, DAMN IT!

*purrs at Edward*

*smiles at Seraph*

Thank you, guys.

TotalLunar Eclipse said...

Friends are there to listen, to be there when you are down. The lines of communication are always open. Never hesitate to talk to me, I have never once set myself to busy. (aside from building Taiyou)

Realize you are not alone, you do not have to go through anything alone. You have friends who love you, and those who adore you.

I'm glad you like the house. I like it so much I replaced mine with it. heh

emillyorr said...

Yes. I like the house. I adore the house. And I am daily humbled, gratified, and astounded at my friends. You are all exceptional, amazing souls I am privileged to know.

Anonymous said...

is this a real game it looks pretty cool can you guys send me a mail at Ian_for_life@yahoo.com?

Emilly Orr said...

No.

Exert yourself, somnolent plebe, and look up Second Life on the web.

Tch. Some people.