Tuesday, September 6, 2011

in the trenches, in the hard rain, with a bullet and a bet

The best speaker cable reviews ever are found on Amazon...at least until they figure out why that page is getting so many hits and delete them.

Some to preserve on the off-chance they do cull that page and put up a fresh one.
We live underground. We speak with our hands. We wear the earplugs all our lives.

PLEASE! You must listen! We cannot maintain the link for long... I will type as fast as I can.

DO NOT USE THE CABLES!

We were fools, fools to develop such a thing! Sound was never meant to be this clear, this pure, this... accurate. For a few short days, we marveled. Then the... whispers... began.

Were they Aramaic? Hyperborean? Some even more ancient tongue, first spoken by elder races under the red light of dying suns far from here? We do not know, but somehow, slowly... we began to UNDERSTAND.

No, no, please! I don't want to remember! YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME REMEMBER! I saw brave men claw their own eyes out... oh, god, the screaming... the mobs of feral children feasting on corpses, the shadows MOVING, the fires burning in the air! The CHANTING!

WHY CAN'T I FORGET THE WORDS???

We live underground. We speak with our hands. We wear the earplugs all our lives.

Do not use the cables!
(from Whisper)
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If there is one cable I would whole-heartedly trust to my Chimera-hunting needs, this would be the cable. No other cable has the tensile strength to properly and efficiently garrote a lycanthrope, asphyxiate an Esquilax or even gag a mermaid. Last week, using my trusty AudioQuest K2 (retrofitted with lead weights, bright orange latex paint and a generous coating of crushed glass stolen from the window of an abandoned church at midnight), I managed to snuff 3 golden unicorns in swift succession!

Pros: Quickly tears through scales, fur, bone, and adamantium with ease
Coils and uncoils from hip holster (optional) quickly and quietly
For a product fabricated from 1,000 Onyx Dragon fetuses, the price is unbelievably reasonable!

Cons: Shipping from the R'lyeh took far too long
Doesn't come in 10' lengths (which would be perfect for hydra, cerberii and other multi-headed creatures)
After every use, I can feel 6 ounces of my soul slipping from my core into the ether. But this may be due to the fact that I prefer to work without gloves. YMMV.
(from Valannin)
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I just got out of the shower. Whats going on in here?
I have high hopes, I have big plans for love and romance tonight.
(from Rossman)
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I was so excited reading all of the other reviews here that I instantly purchased them. I saw the mail truck pull up, and the man carrying the box, which was glowing a gold color, appeared to have a sort of halo over his head. I shrugged the sight off and eagerly opened my prize. When I opened the packaging, I saw a reflection of myself in the cable and a deep distant voice summoning me before it sucked me inside and through the space time portal others here have spoken of. I emerged in another land thousands of years ago. I looked down only to realize that I was clothed in the garb of the Son of God, and I set out on my noble mission: to create my new religion.

The world thanks me everyday for my gift of Christianity to the masses, but I thank the AudioQuest K2 cable.
(from Justin A. LaForte)
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Cables came as described, package was good though difficult to open and the shipping time fast and efficient.

Trouble ensued as we tried to mount the cables in array next to the squid ganglion we'd collected earlier. Turns out there are critical similarities between the non-functioning exotics used in the shell components and the silico-hydratic sheath material found amongst alymid-gorth species specific nerve wave consumers. Symbiotic assessment was rapid and the resulting conglomerate rapidly conscripted loose lab materials forming further accretions - each of these nodes then further assembling the equivalent of rapid prototyping facilities clearly functioning at levels below the molecular. Donald was (digested?recomposed?scavenged?) within moments of contact and at that point the rest of the staff and I enacted quarantine and immediately vacated the workspace.

Within minutes it further evolved beyond probable/predictable specifications, reorganized logarithmically and this time incorporating more of the geometric superstructure of the facility. We lost visual contact shortly afterward and all doppler trace once it finally entered the sea.

In retrospect, the formidable toughness of the initial packaging now seems to have been fully justified.
(from Edmund Whitbey)
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Strangely, two weeks after purchasing these my cancer went into remission and I began growing hair again after 20 years of baldness. I'm not convinced the cables were the cause, but after viewing some of the other reviews I'm starting to wonder.
(from magicker71)
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Sure, I thought $8500 was bit pricey for terminated speaker cables, especially considering I needed a pair of them. But Amazon came through as always, with Free Super Saver Shipping. How could I refuse? Not to mention all the glowing reviews I've read here. I quickly ordered the product using money I had earned from pawning some illegal weapons I was hiding for my uncle Escobar. When the package came to the door, the mailman quickly dropped it and ran away- almost like he knew what was in the box was too much for him.

Installation was almost plug and play. The sheer volume of current that my Unupentium reactor put out was no problem for these cables. I started small- logs, neighborhood cats, and some old vinyl Bee Gee's records. I quickly moved onto bigger targets- cars and small buses. I was in hog heaven, toting my new invention like I owned the Walmart parking lot. I almost made a complete fool of myself though, by leaving the caps on the end of the terminated speaker cables!!! When I went to dismantle some poor sap's pimp hater ride, the cables sliced through as advertised, but the ends got stuck on the other side- stupid caps!!! I had to shut down the reactor, remove the .37 cent caps, and continue. I almost thought I heard a small boy laughing at me, until he saw what I was truly capable of, by destroying his dad's Benz. I will never make that mistake again. Neither will he.
(from C. Reilly)
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Out of curiosity, I hooked them up to my daughter's iPod with a 99 cent store adapter and played some of her Justin Bieber recordings. WOW. I had gritted my teeth already, sure *this* would fail, but it was *amazing*. I mean, OK, don't trust my word on it -- I'm just a mild audiophile. But my next-door neighbor is a music professor, he has wire-rimmed glasses and a little goatee and he's kind snooty -- the whole package there -- but a minute into the song he was banging on my door asking what operatic tenor was playing.

I downloaded some MP3s from archive sites, just *trying* to get these cables NOT to improve something. I hooked the cables up to a microphone, held the mic in front of the PC internal speaker, and played some recordings. If you had asked me whether my Christmas music was going to be recordings of rabbits being slaughtered, I'd have thought you mad. Reading this, you probably think I am now, don't you? But it's just because you haven't bought these. In fact, I bought a Windows alarm program that can control iTunes, and a stand for the microphone to point at the laptop, so I can fall asleep to *and* wake up to sounds of the firebombing of Dresden.

So, if there are a bunch of records you were already thinking of replacing -- or if you were thinking of grounding your teenager for no reason other than to stop Justin Bieber from playing -- or if you had previously dismissed rabbit slaughter and screaming civilians as having much musical merit -- this could be the best luxury expenditure you make this year.
(from clanmackay)
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They're TOO good. I plugged these things into my 50W Magnavox 2.1 surround receiver and they impregnated my daughter. And I don't even have a daughter. I had to return them so I can afford the pregnant daughter that my future wife is going to give birth to.
(from Bandin)
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The sound these wonderful cables enable is certainly magical, with the right set of speakers (a set of God Botherer 823s are ideal) of course. However, there is still a problem that the true audiophile will immediately notice - the sound is still not quite perfect. The reason turns out to be the atmosphere, it's just too full of dust, pollen and a mixture of gases that takes the edge off the divine sound these cables are capable of producing.

A few grand spent on advanced air filtration systems for your music room or home theatre will make all the difference, but to enable these fantastic cables to really do their job you need to replace the sound-degrading gases in the atmosphere as well. Carbon dioxide has to go for a start, then if you're really hard-core you'll dump the oxygen as well - one atmosphere of pure nitrogen enables these babies to truly bring you the music of the spheres, you'll think you've died and gone to heaven. Because you have!
(from dshan111)
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The other day I was coming back to Denver over the Vail Pass, and the signs said "chains required" well I didn't have any chains so I lashed my AudioQuest K2 terminated speker cables around all 4 wheels and I'll be damned if the car didn't start levitating, suspended on a nimbus of light.

Now I know how those little grey freaks with all the probes get their saucers off the ground!

I don't know what President Eisenhower had to give them in order for them to share this marvelous technology with us, but honestly I wouldn't care if planned parenthood was founded to create pulped human fetuses for them to use as marmalade, the AudioQuest K2 terminated speaker cables are simply THAT amazing.

I strongly recommended you buy yours before the men in black suits shut their factory down, sure they might track a few of us owners down as well, but it is worth the personal risk, this technology needs to be in the hands of the people, when the mother-ship comes back in December 2012 to collect on Ike's deal... well I wouldn't want to be anywhere near Palm Springs, but I also wouldn't want to be without my AudioQuest K2 terminated speaker cables, they may be the last best hope for humanity!
(from BitterFlux)
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(from the random album)

2 comments:

Rhianon Jameson said...

It never occurred to me that Amazon reviewers could have a sense of humor, but by God those were good. Restores my faith in...well, something.

Emilly Orr said...

And I only went ten pages in.

To be fair, they are charging over eight thousand dollars per cable, so a slight amount of ribbing appears justified. Still, people are having a great amount of mad fun over there.