walk like an Egyptian

Friend of mine really, really wanted a dragon. To the point where, when all we could do, with all our efforts, to secure one for her, seemed to have failed....she fell into pits of despair that nearly put her out of our reach for comfort.

However, two days ago, she heard word from the Council of Wyrms. She was chosen to receive a dragon, based on her treatment of the wyrmling in her care.

She is very nearly thrilled beyond repair.



The new Egyptian dragon, making her island look small, and her hoard of coins, ankhs and amphorae look smaller.



The new dragon staring at her puppy.

Yes, for any who don't know, friend Midnight is now a Bast dragon. That's her very own Fluffy looking at her in somewhat unease. For any who know her, or have seen the ship's dog of the Mare Angelus, she is a standard breed, not a toy. The Bast dragon is very large.

I still best her on multiplicity of forms, and shifting ability. But my sole dragon-form is wee and weak, and may never grow larger, I know this. She has advanced beyond me in the ways of draconic magics. I'm very impressed.

now come the heartaches that the morning brings

((RP MODE))

The half-demon was training me, our swords clashing together, yelling at me to come at him, again and again. He tells me I am weak, he tells me I am hopeless, I tell him I agree and he snarls, asking me to come at him again. We spar until my muscles are shaking, until I can barely see straight from fatigue.

He says this is only the beginning, that I will get better, that I will be stronger....that he will make me capable of my own defense, if he has to drag me kicking and screaming to the arena and have me fight all challengers.

I'm not looking forward to this, but he does have a point. I've relied for too long on ducking, hiding, and my wits--it might be more than time to learn the blade.

After he departed for the evening, an old friend contacted me out of the blue. He was in town--he meant Rivula--and would I be amenable to seeing him?

Was there ever a time when that answer would have been no?

He also surprised me--he said, I have this sum of Lindens, what do you want? I queried him, but he seemed serious. All, right, I said, there is a certain skin I've been lusting for--two, actually--over at See No Evil. Can I show them to you?

And he said yes.

And then he bought me the Shiuchin.



She's quite the lovely look. Especially with my Lycan eyes. I'm going to have oodles of fun in her...

Odd little detail. For some reason, she has vévés on her feet:



Those ones, in fact, match very simple sketch vévés I've seen for Papa Legba, or Ghede, keepers of the crossroads, keepers of the burial places, Baron Cimétiere...

...which is rather interesting, considering the zombie connection to me.

Wouldn't you think?

In other news...I mislike this, I mislike this severely, and it might well change who I think I am, in this place...but I might need to be crueler. I might need to become the sort of woman, at least briefly, who can crush hearts without qualm, rather than treating them with care and kindness.

My dilemma is...if I become such a woman...can I unbecome her, later? And would it then be worth it if I cannot?

pipes and chains and swingin' hands

This won't happen often. But I went to the Gangster Night dance at the Grand Hotel ballroom, in Steelhead...real names are somewhat appropriate.



I arrived late to the dance, due to a variety of strange factors, but I did make it. Appropriate or not, I wore the Victorian white pinstripe tuxedo I'd gotten from the menswear department at Itan Kishii and met up with my saint of patience, Ryce.



Darien Mason was hosting, in a very nice red pinstripe number, and spent much of the evening dancing with the lovely Miss Kirawill Collingwood.



Closer shot of Miss Collingwood and Darien. Note the oddly radioactive gun. Miss Collingwood won the costume contest, by the way.



Sadly, I didn't snap pictures of everyone--I had to leave before the dance was over, and when I came back, I didn't think to snap pictures of the new folks, and....well.

Anyway. This is Miss Addison Barrymore in a scandalously fetching skirt, holding a Gatling gun (you can just see the butt of it to the left), and her husband, Finnian Fitzgerald in a pinstripe zoot suit.



There's a better picture of the gun. And, err, Addison.

In the background, in the lovely blue-swirl dress, is Steelhead's owner, Miss Kattrynn Severine.



This is one of the sim managers, Tensai Hilra. I swear, she's not about to stab someone. That's the look she always has in her eyes. And that's a cigarette holder, not a dagger.

Trust me. She's a very nice woman.



The always-beautiful Christine McAllister looking especially fetching. This is truly a lovely 1920's beaded gown.



Another look, especially at the beaded flapper necklace.



Miss Darkling Elytis, who had the most amazing dances, very tribal, very ritualistic. She's an artist of some renown, very talented, and apparently used to manage Le Jardin once upon a time.

In the background can be seen Darien and Miss Collingwood.



It was, all in all, a lovely evening.

To update all and sundry on another situation....the Hunter lad has been (partially) uncursed.



I know the King's alchemist, in Lumindor, from elsewhere, so I carefully explained the situation to him, and he agreed to meet the lad and I at the neko camp, where he's been given temporary shelter. Apparently neko males are rare and quite prized, and humans are known to steal them.

The alchemist, like the First Claw, could not stop laughing when we related the dilemma. But he attempted a delay of the curse, while he researches.

And he's going to be looking up information on succubi...*sighs*...for me.

How do I get myself into these situations...

I hear the voice of rage and ruin

((RP MODE))

Never save an incubus, man. Pour all that energy and life and drive into them, and when they heal, they come right after you. Why am I even surprised at this?



Met with the monk in Lumindor. My demoness had gotten somewhat irked with him, and had partially torn out his spine. It was the sheerest act of will he was able to leave the sithen at all, and it took him hours to drag himself the few scant yards to my tree.

But he did, and collapsed, and when I returned to Lumindor early this morning, there he lay. Broken. Helpless. Half-alive.

Well. I could not leave him so, could I? Bite your tongue, of course I couldn't.

So I...bit him. Now, now, don't be that way--I had to. To heal him. Hurt him terribly, nearly beyond all bearing, but...it had to be done. It was that or chop off his head, and...I don't think I could have done that.

For all the First Claw would have been overjoyed to have her trophy.

At any rate, the morning advanced, me pouring in all the energy I had, all the energy I knew how, into healing the incubus. It took a very long time. Drained me nearly completely. But at the end, he stood, stretched, reached for me...and locked his hands around my throat, squeezing.

Ungrateful wretch. See if I save *his* life again...

Something brought him back from the killing rage, who knows what, and he carried me up to the tree, where I just *knew* something terrible was going to happen.

But he tucked me in, and carded through my hair, and bid me to sleep well...for the most part, it was innocent.

Well.

As innocent as an incubus and a new succubus can be, really.

Which...well, isn't very.

But he left--ran screaming, actually--into the predawn air, and I, myself, chose to collapse on the bed.

What else was I supposed to do with a nearly-crushed throat and still-leaking wounds? Please. I'm not even *nigh*-invulnerable. And by all the gods, I'm too tired to shift...

Goodnight. Maybe a day's rest will make it easier to breathe.

to struggle with my instinct in the pale moon light

((RP MODE))

And he was on the floor and changing and all I could think was, I have become this unknown thing, and all I could feel was that I wished for more--

Wait. I think I need to back up again.

The days when the half-demon are gone from Lumindor, and I am in it, I admit, I get bored. I wander the woods, looking for capable diversions. Yesterday, I spent some merry hours wandering a nearly empty woodlands, practicing slashes with my sword. I think I'm getting quite good, but I haven't pitted myself in combat with anyone as of yet. And I met a very tall, very somber wandering elf, and guided him about, showing him beauties and dangers. My one mistake was taking him into the sithen--my Queen felt him enter, and came to her throne room to...talk.

But an accord was reached; as a wandering fey, he is welcome any time; and should he choose the Winter Court over the forest elves' arboreal dwellings, we will be glad of him indeed. And I guided him out of the sithen once more.

As I took him out, I met the young Hunter in the woods again. So young, I thought, so inexperienced....he might be a handy diversion indeed. His leathers were still damp from jumping in the bathing pool yesterday, trying to save a fellow resident of the wilds. I invited him back to my tree, and set about to entice the lad.

It wasn't difficult, though he was nervous. I was sincere in my offer of aid--I helped him lay his leathers out over my gargantuan chair, and enspelled them with small magics to dry a bit quicker than they would otherwise. It raised the temperature in my tree by a few degrees, and without much more effort, I had him down on pillows, curled against him and purring, my then-red fur sharp contrast to his darkly tanned skin.

All was going well until the monk bespoke me, mentally. He wished to come by and greet me, and perhaps...talk. I told him I was occupied, and he approached my tree, the echo of laughter in my head. He breathed out, and suddenly, my nerves were alight, my breath was catching, I was pushing the lad to the bed and--

I asked him what he'd done. He said, a small breath of incubi essence, nothing more, sent to me. I told him I'd never heard of such a thing before, and he sent me another..."gift", he said, before departing. The second offering swirled his scent and hints of his arousal around me, making me shudder against the human lad, moaning of a sudden, writhing on the Hunter and...growing so...hungry.

This was my error, I think. Trusting another incubus.

I did not think on it at the time, simply...falling on the human and near-devouring his mouth. It did not ease me, and I trailed kisses down his neck, across his chest, up his neck again. I narrowed in where the pulse beat strongest, licking, nipping, and...all thought went sideways.

I tilted my head back, my little fangs sliding into place as always, the tiniest traces of the vampiric spell that went awry. My little hunger, manageable, always, had mysteriously flared, and even knowing I held a Hunter of the fanged in my arms, I still bit. And I drew. And it was glorious, the taste, lovely, only...

I'd bitten him. He yelped, and pulled away from me, staggering from the bed. I licked my lips, turning, wanting to bring him down again, into my arms, onto my fangs, and I felt the first stirrings of internal shock. It was hard to think through the riptide of desire, but...and then I watched him fall. And change.

Where before had been a human lad of some few years, there now lay a black-striped neko, silver-tipped black hair cascading past his shoulders, tail curled around one leg. I'd never seen anything like it. I brought my hand to my lips, touching my fangs, and drew them back with some odd, clear fluid coating them--fluid I'd pumped into the boy, as a full vampire would, fluid from still-pulsing glands at the base of my fangs.

By seven kings and seven holy oaks...what had I done?!?

I am not too proud to say I lost my mind entirely. Throwing clothes on in abandon, I screamed for the First Claw of the neko tribe, and she came. A mage-apprentice overheard the call and followed. I explained that I'd turned a human neko, and the First Claw would not stop laughing. I was going into shock, and still so hungry, and my mind could not deal. The mage-apprentice asked to come up, and I allowed it, telling her how, and opened the door to reveal a great spider, filling half the room when she came in, and all three of us seeing her shrieked.

This did not help my mood, nor my composure. I sank to the floor, shaking, just as my half-demon walked in.

It was merry chaos sorting everything out. The human--now neko--wished to be human again; the King's alchemist, the chief mage of the land, could help, but he was traveling far lands; and the half-demon wondered why the human wished to change back at all.

Then he asked me why this had happened, and I mentioned the monk. And his expression darkened--a feat of skill, considering his skin is near midnight-toned anyway. He turned his one eye remaining to me and...such anger, such hate, as I'd never felt, poured from him--pointed at me. He spun on his heel and left, and I could not stop crying.

Eventually, the mage left to seek out research on the topic; the now-neko boy wandered off to greet the neko tribe; and the poor First Claw, exhausted from laughing so hard, curled up and fell asleep on my great chair.

I wandered out to speak words with the half-demon.

I found him in his chambers, the scent of blood on the air, making me shudder anew. I asked for entry, and got it, and walked in to disarray as I'd never seen it. His bed overturned, blood on his blades, furniture cracked and broken, crockery shattered...and in the midst of all, my demon lover, sitting in the one chair remaining, composed, calm, at rest...still very, very angry.

He spoke me words of choices. He said, if I had truly fallen under the control of the incubus monk, then I had violated our agreement to love only each other. I did not precisely agree, but if I had fallen under his control, I wished my control back. He said...I must choose. I must choose him, and my life now, or the incubus, and my regrets. He said...he would turn his face from me, never speak to me again, never hold me again, if I chose the monk.

I shuddered, hearing the echo of similar words, spoken from another source. This had all happened before. This had all happened before and I was here at the crossroads again. Asked to choose. Asked to say no.

What could I do? I am a creature of pattern. I said no.

And then the demon changed the game. He called to the fledgling within me, in that language I'd never understood from him, only now he asked and I answered--with as little comprehension as I'd had before. For it was not me answering. It was the fledgling demoness within, that the incubus had somehow tapped.

And he would not speak to me, though I stood right there, in his view. He would only speak to her. And when she stopped answering, he stopped speaking to me at all.

I could do no else, I fled his room. I fled to the wilds and the trees I knew. In distress, I wrapped my arms around one and changed to the first form that felt appropriate--pale, so very pale, so cold...spider-branch wings draped in cobwebs...melted pink eyes.

Fangs.

And the hunger began to bite holes in my soul.

I fled back to my tree, shuddering as I remembered the First Claw slept there, trusting me. I turned, and turned, in my room, seeking a way out, and there was none. My demon would not feed me; I did not trust myself to feed from the neko warrior in my chair. I had no other recourse.

I slashed my own arms to the bone, clenching them, watching my life bleed from me, and when my heart began to falter, I dropped to the floor and slept.

It was all I could do.

On the morrow, when I awoke, the First Claw was gone, and I was alone. My arms were healed. I spent some few very directed hours cleansing blood from my rug, and avoiding all other contact.

I do not know what else to do.

I still...do not.

one mistake's all it takes and your life has come undone

((RP MODE))

Now that's it's a proven fact that the demon's daughter has an alternate...wandering around with ill intent...I've been slightly more open about talking about her plans.

But...something came up today. Something shattering. It's ill news, indeed.

Something the demon's daughter said, to me...she mentioned she'd found writings of her future self...and questioned the meaning of a certain phrase. I began telling her that that phrase was first heard in the 1920's, and that's why she'd used it, because she was, at least partially, and in one timeline, from the 1920's...

...and the penny dropped.

While this daughter was afflicted with a machine virus, and in quarantine in Toxia, she was still involved with the Winter Court in Lumindor. For the opening of the kingdom's gates, many residents, free and enslaved, were put up in auction to support the expense of the opening day celebrations. At that point, I was undercover in the human village, playing a human slave in the House of Doves, so when I went up on the block, I was branded and collared, in flowing rose silks.

This much I remember--the daughter I thought of as the steam android I knew, standing next to a fellow spy in the House of Doves. Her father and I, at that point, were having problems, and I spoke with her privately, asking that she not share my appearance at the auction with her father. I was sold, and the evening went as it went, and I had a few additional chances to speak private words to this new incarnation.

Earlier, I had sent a missive to the demon, changing my tone entirely, my way of pleading for our survival, and I was feeling fairly confident that the new tactic might just save us. To this day I do not know what this new incarnate daughter told her father. All I saw was the fallout.

The demon was enraged. The demon was hurt. This was the woman he loved, this slave on her knees? This is what I wanted, to be some Gorean warlord's toy? This would not be borne. This would not endure. We could not continue, he told me, loudly and at length...

...save, I'd never said that. I'd never done that. In fact, I'd told the demon that I had this opportunity in the kingdom, and what, and he hadn't seemed to mind then...

I can only surmise, the new incarnate daughter said whatever she had to, to sever her father and I. The poison started that far back...

...and we were both taken in.



Is there any wonder I've been spending more time in the wilds in Lumindor, than in Steelhead of late? Such insidious speech...and here we are, no going back.

It's profoundly unsettling.

you say you understand, but you don't understand

Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.

But I can, I can, I have been. Was it unexpected? I never said it to be cruel, not even when I was curled up and wounded, and wanted to wound in return. I said no. I held to it. I said it again when you asked. I say it again now.

No. My will, my strength, my shield, and those shielding me. No. Some nights, it's all I have, but...no.

Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...

The new incubus I know tells me, there is a side effect of incubi...fluids. That they make human women faint from bliss, they overcome the will, they insinuate, they seduce by chemicals, not emotions...they enslave.

One drop creates quivering; more creates addiction.

But I've never been precisely human...

Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.

I remember feeling this swept away. I remember wanting nothing more than your lips on my skin. I remember shuddering at your touch, eyes lambent pools, flaring with every deep breath, all of me one sensitized ache bearing your name.

Perhaps there's something to what the new incubus says...but even if true, the space for addiction has long since passed. The longing, well, that may always be there, but as my neko lad tells me, I've not gotten over the vampire princeling, either. And I may not.

In your case...the longing I may simply have to live with. It won't stop me. And it won't stop me from saying no in future.

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.

The thing is...I do feel good now. It's been difficult, it's still difficult, I'm battling issues I never thought would be raised, but...I feel like it's all, slowly, cohesing. I feel the life is coming together, that my choices are beginning to make sense, that I'm beginning to understand myself, my life, those I choose to love.

And I wouldn't have done the work, the hard, looking-at-my-life work, had you not said goodbye. For that, if nothing else, I must thank you.

More than that, though, I have to thank you for caring at all. As toxic as we were together, especially towards the end, I never doubted that--when your eyes remembered, and turned back my way--you cared. That was a constant. It was a good constant to have.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?

I guess the question was never, am I good enough for you to love me, too? The question was, are you good enough to love me in return? To see that love enriches, more than it should damage; delights more than destroys; lights us, warms us, not consumes us.

Some part of me, you know, waits for you to meet someone that you can't get enough of; one who addicts you the way you addict others. What would you do in that situation? How would you act? What would you do to get her back after she left? How long would you fight?

I learned the answers to these questions, and all the others that your leaving raised. And yes, I still dream of you, some nights. It will happen. I let it go. They're just dreams.

So take care what you ask of me,
'cause I can't say no...

And dreams can't change my mind, dreams won't erase the no on my lips. And never to be cruel, never to hurt, never to harm...but no. Now and before, now and mayhap forever, no. No. No.

(lyrics from "Good Enough" by Evanescence)

why smilest thou, lord dragon, sir, asked our hero in armor laden

((RP MODE))

There's a trick to corrupting monks.

It all comes down to persistence. And presence, yes, let's not forget that, but mainly...persistence. Pressing without seeming to press. Gentle seduction, mostly the curve of my lips, the look in my eyes, the hipswung look over the shoulder. Small things. Details, that mean so much.

Corruption. Seduction. Felling of strong vows.

On occasion, I'm a very bad girl.

::giggles and dances off::

Current build: occupied with designing clothes. They're very simple, but all this week, I've mostly been wearing outfits I've designed. Yay me!

The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again

and I'm sitting in the green skin
in the black lace skirt I made
feeling a relationship
crawl back out of the grave
he won't leave it alone, he won't
hear me when I say
there's no hope of redemption and
past beauty he can't save

and I'm wondering when the next plot,
the next angle will be seen
is he seeking absolution?
or just looking for the key
I curl up, verdant plaid
against the skin so pallid-green
I sigh, exasperated,
because again, he just wants me

and my mind won't seem to shut off
it keeps turning on its gears
replaying segments of my past
tumbled and stripped bare
weary now, I stumble
facing all my hopes and fears
be wary now, I tell myself
beware, beware, beware

now every new face haunts me, I
think is it now him disguised?
I still don't know why I'm the goal
I'm the less than perfect prize
and static cries reach me from
a future filled with spies
and his daughter just laughs harder
out of green and maddened eyes

the game's afoot but I have yet
to say I want to play
I think it through and think it through
and I don't think I see
mostly I just want him
to give up and go away
because I can't see the benefit
of him and I to me

but his daughter is a friend and thus
I'm toying with a scene
and if I can get through it
without denying who I am
we'll get her back, restore her
to the lands she knows, serene
...but then it's him and I again
and for that, I'd say I'm damned...

who I am hates who I've been

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

Tonight the demon who, I was sure, was on a plan to upset all of my applecarts, was friendly, jovial, polite, generous...and I'd love to say, I'd love to say, I breathed a sigh of relief, because the war I thought was starting is over.

But tonight felt so...off. I don't think it is.

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Maybe it's me, maybe I'm just paranoid, maybe I'm untrusting, but...I can't think any other way around it. You don't go up to someone who's very dear to the neko you're trying to bring back into your life, and do everything you can to sway that person away from her...unless you're trying to sway that person away from her.

I mean, is it just paranoia? That's what he did. He says no, but of course he'd say no! How else should I see it?

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

And at this point, I am so over the rounds of apologies and accusations. Yes, he should not have sent the letter. Yes, he should not have said goodbye. Yes, I'm being a bitch and insisting that goodbye means goodbye once said. Yes, I could relent, but I'm stupidly prideful.

But push all that aside. He should let it go. He should let me go. And that he can't means this isn't over. That he can't means as soon as he thinks up the next trick, I'm going to be hit with that

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

And hit again, and hit again, and hit again...always another angle, always another game. It wearies me so. And I never know, now, how much he really hears and how much he's just saving up to evaluate later, to examine my structure for potential weak spots.

He knows I have them. He even knows where most of them are. Guess I should be happy he's only thought about using a few...

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

Tonight, at the town meeting. If I'd had a way to come as a bundle of sticks, I would have. But I didn't know how. So I came as the bunny, because the irony suited me. Prey animal, big blinking eyes, all furred paws and furred legs. I left hair off because I wanted the pointed collar. I was just hoping I'd get through the evening intact.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

Well, I did get through the meeting intact, I guess. More or less. Watching with wary eyes nearly every move the incubus made, waiting for the hammer to fall. That it didn't shredded my nerves no less, because I was living in dread anticipation.

Then I went outside and walked into the street by accident and got crushed by a wandering steam-powered elephant. Only in Steelhead.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

The darkened moon and the Knight in Shining were true to their words, though--when they arrived, they watched over me, even though the incubus tried nothing in specific.

Still, it was nice to know they cared. It was nice to know they were there.

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

I guess it all comes down to, is there anyway to convince a demon who's been set in his ways since before my great-grandmother was alive, to grow up and move on? Can demons evolve? Can they change?

But then, some would ask, can they love, and I no longer know the sure answer to that question...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

And now we're back to the waiting game. He tells me I can have my furniture back, after I've taken it. He tells me I am no longer a part of his life, but he keeps me in his family group--as a family member. He tells me he wasn't trying to get me back, but mentions a life together later.

He tells me one thing, shows me another, then says something entirely different.

It's dizzying. It's wearying. I hate being on my guard this way. I just want peace, not strife. I don't want to be the one unique thing in his universe any more.

But maybe that was always too much to ask...

(lyrics "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been", Reliant K)

I've seen enough now to know the beautiful things don't always stay

Too much to hope for, the life turning around. Train-wreck love life, especially. It's my bane and my curse but it's mine and it's claimed--and it's not letting me go yet, apparently.

Tricky things about demons. You can't reason with them. They're worse than lawyers for clinging to the fine-point details of any and all agreements. It's long past making me angry, now I'm just...resigned.



Bah. It's essentially useless saying it's unfair, even...what is fair where demons are concerned?