it'll leave you breathless or with a nasty scar

I'm spending some time tonight culling inventory, and tonight it was notecards. Some I'm sorting and keeping, many I'm deleting, but some are just odd enough to be passed on. I have no idee when I got this one; it's simply called "Magnus's slave rules", and it arrived in inventory on September 11, 2007.

A submissive’s lessons:

I will not glue pretty rhinestones to Master’s floggers.
I will not aim for Master’s head.
I will not yet “FIRE!” every time Master lights a candle.
I will not slap Master with my bra.
Punishment is neither boring nor pointless.
I will not call Master “Dr. Death”.
I will not tell Master “You hit like a girl”.
I will not eat all of Master’s MandMs while he is at work.
I will not call Master “spud head,” “butt head” or any kind of head. Masters ARE perfect.
Mud is not an acceptable side dish for dinner for Master.
I will not peek out of the blindfold.
There is no such thing as “slave immunity”.
I did not win an Oscar for my last session.
I will not hide all of Master’s toys.
I will not say “Oh Master, you’re the bestest and biggest” just to get a spanking.
I will not give Master the bent fork no matter how mad I am at him.
I will not hide a mouse trap inside Master’s toy chest.
My last assignment was not stolen by one-armed net hackers.
I will not scare the newbies by telling them “All REAL subs like bullwhips”.
I will refrain from saying “Hail Satan” when I don’t like Master’s orders.
I will not use Master’s bondage table for a skateboard ramp, or a slide into the pool.
I will not bite my Master on the bottom every time He says “Bite me”.
I will not put superglue on the whip handle, or the inside of Master’s boots.
I will not leave post-it notes on my behind for my Master.
I will not correct Master’s grammar while he is correcting me.
I will not tie Master to the bed while He is sleeping.
I will not put dead batteries in my Master’s cattle prod.
I will not switch a glue stick for Master’s chap stick.
I will not stick out my tongue at Master when he’s not looking.
I will not use the pages from Master’s Dom Handbook to start the grill.
I will not yell “Yellow!” in the grocery store.
I will not count by twos when counting strokes of the flogger.
I will not put Alka Seltzer in my mouth before a scene and scare Master by frothing at the mouth.
I will not drop my jaw and answer with, “You want me to do WHAT?!”
I will not sabotage anything in Master’s bag of tortures...

...having me as a sub is torture enough!

I won't lie, some of these made me giggle rather a lot.