Thursday, November 12, 2015

I made you now, I erase you now

'Can I play with madness?'
The prophet stared at his crystal ball
'Can I play with madness?'
There's no vision there at all


While the official winning validations do not begin until November 20th, for all intents and purposes, I have "won" another year of NaNoWriMo. My verified word count stands, as of half past two this afternoon, at 104,233 words.

I'm not truly considering it a win.

it can't always be
what you want it to be
it can't always be
what you want it to be


In terms of word count, I definitely made it, and more besides. By the 20th, I may have added on even more words, because this tide seems unstoppable. So many years I spent hiding, trying not to think, trying not to feel, and this project has brought everything back in spades. I do mean that literally--I'm as much grave-digging as I am perusing the past, disinterring at least the corpses of the memories of old loves if not their literal bones, from living ground.

Shout when you wanna get off the ride
Shout when you wanna get off the ride
'Cause you crossed my mind, you crossed my mind
I'm a penny in a diamond mine


At this point, having excavated what I've excavated so far, alone, some things are becoming quite clear. Beyond my basic tendency not to learn from mistakes, I'm discovering facets of my personality I did a great deal to erase, that I'm finding I want back. Will reclaiming them make my life more difficult? Probably, but they're bits of me that have left me feeling, not inaccurately, hollow, and I don't have to live that way.

More, though, the bigger questions I'm thinking over are of the nature of love itself. Or my love life, which may be a vastly different thing. I'm now looking at everyone I've fallen for in world, and doing my best--after the abandonment of time, parity, and relationship--to ask myself one simple question: If I had that relationship to do over again, knowing what I do now...would I?

so let it fly by
let's say it loves you
let it slide, slide
is that how I met you?


My answer prior to this has always been yes. Regrets, absolutely, I have them; sometimes I pile them up with old quilts and tuck myself in at night. But, case by case, would I do the same thing now?

you had a warning
you didn't want it
you can't come crawling back now


And...maybe I am learning, maybe I'm not, but I'm finding there are definitely people I would avoid, had I had foreknowledge. No indication of who, so don't ask--I've also learned by reading through the early days of the blog that either I'm obscure to the point of total mystery, or practically stamping name and location on my forehead. It's enough that I know who they are, and I would have made both our lives easier if I had just never gotten involved.

Which leaves me...well, with a great many ghosts to exorcise. Not to the point yet where I can do that, so it's starting to feel crowded in here, but I'm not afraid of my own ghosts. There's nothing the past can do to me now that it hasn't done already.

["Can I Play With Madness?" is from Iron Maiden, still good after all these years. "(It Could Be) Love" was recorded by Camouflage Nights. The third stanza was from an unreleased Phender song, Slide. The fourth is "The Warning" by Neverending White Lights.]

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