Tuesday, August 5, 2008

and all the lights that lead us there are blinding

[1:39] Emilly Orr: [1:39] Goddess Investment: Emilly Orr assholes
[1:40] Emilly Orr: Now, that's a new Greeter.

I'm talking about Goddess Investments, in Aftershock. It used to be a quiet little furniture store, but I haven't been back in months, so I don't know how long the club's been here. All I know is the stage is pretty, but that line coming in completely put me off the place.

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So to sum up? Cute little club. Crappy management. No wonder it's empty.

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Oh no! The rise of Dark Penny!

Well, it had to happen with someone. The only down side of this? Miss Neome chasing Miss Fawkes around with knives. And pitchforks. And rocket launchers.

We had to explain Rule 34 to Des tonight. Not entirely sure he was grateful. On the plus side, it reminded me of Wetriffs.com, which is no bad thing.

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It's been an odd few days. There are things I've wanted to say, and held back from saying; some, because my mood keeps shifting, internal changes reflecting outer ones. Mostly, because I'm yet again in the territory of not my place to say. I'm having to find my footing again on a very uneven path, between what I can speak on, and what I should not speak on; what I need to say, versus what I want to say.

Need versus want. It's a very important difference. What I need--life, breath, food, shelter...love...these are intrinsic to my survival. (Though I hate doing so, I must put love last on the list, because deprive me of shelter, I can go on; deprive me of love, I can go on, though not happily. Deprive me of air? Of life? Of water and food? I die, just as anyone else.) What I want...well, that's an entirely different story. And nothing on the current "want" list is vital to my continued existence.

So I sit, and hold off on sending, the last entry I've been working on, trying to get through, trying to post. Beyond everything else I say in there...mainly, I tire of the drama. I more than tire of it, I'm faintly appalled by it. So stirring up more drama? It won't make me happy, it won't ease my heart, it won't bring me contentment of any kind.

So why send it out?

That's the current question.

6 comments:

Sumie said...

Miss Orr, I find your posts to be full of drama, but generally in the positive sense. Beyond the whole game v. not-game discussions I've seen, I believe we put our avatars on a stage and excerise drama every day. I assume you are talking about personal melodramas that we all tire of, but somehow always end up tangled in.

I hope you find peace with whatever you are struggling with.

xxoo
Sumi

Emilly Orr said...

As dramatis personae, as archetypal structures in the Jungian sense, absolutely--these are the skins we wear that free our psyches, to a certain extent, to learn new ways of interacting, new ways of perceiving life, relationship, and reality, and to point out sharply which behaviors are more "hard-wired", so to speak, than softly ingrained.

Even knowing all that, though, currently, I'm just perceiving my usual woe-for-the-fallen entries as whining. Being dramatic for the sake of drama. I may or may not be right, but right now...I'm just tired of it.

But thank you. *smiles*

Sumie said...

I see what you mean... I will have to agree that at times your blog gets a little ...overwhelming... in that woe-for-the-fallen sense. Our in-world interaction has been sparse, and usualy in a Caledonian setting. So I think in-world I see a more light-hearted and happy persona. I find the contrast with your blog personae intriguing and at times unsettling. But it's all part of learning and growth for me.

I remember when my fiancee went through his brooding woe-am-I-evil? phase (before he was my fiancee). It irritated me enough to the point I put sawdust in his Mini-wheats cereal.

xxoo
Sumi

Emilly Orr said...

*giggles hysterically*

The truly evil question is--did your fiance even notice??

Sawdust in Mini-wheats. That's really funny.

As far as the blog-versus-"real" perceptions, you're generally not wrong. Unless I'm really backed against the wall, I'd much rather my social mask be just that--I don't think I'm outright lying, per se, just choosing not to show everything I'm feeling, all the time.

This is not to say I don't have happy moments--I do, and a great many of them. Generally in world, I am happy--I'm hosting, I'm building, I'm texturing, I'm wandering about--I'm having fun.

But I made the decision long ago--before I actually had a readership--that I'd be more "honest", more open on the blog. Which, at times like these...gives me food for thought.

Sumie said...

*evil grin* Only after a couple of spoonfuls! Mind you these were the sugar frosted ones.

I've observed that often those of us with the most to give, and who are generous in doing so, question themselves on it the most. I miss the days when I just DID stuff sometimes. But I guess that's part of wisdom.




...pesky wisdom...



xxoo
Sumi

Emilly Orr said...

Sugar makes all the difference.

Next time buy Grape-Nuts, and add in wood chips. :p

Sometimes I miss that, too--the freedom of not understanding actions have consequences. But maybe that's part of why I still question, because I still find myself doing things without thinking.

And most of the time, it still gets me in trouble.