Sunday, July 20, 2008

you can do a lot in a lifetime, if you don't burn out too fast

It's not how fast you can go
The force goes into the flow
If you pick up the beat
You can forget about the heat


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There will always be communication, I've grown inured to that. Despite everything, despite how far I go, how far he goes, we know how to read each other. We are not lovers, but perhaps we're friends.

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How long will that remain, though, when even the shadow of his passing disperses? And was it always him, or was there ever affection for the one who carried him?

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Malignant and benign, passion's fire over heart's dismay, proof that even demigods can make mistakes.

More than just survival
More than just a flash
More than just a dotted line
More than just a dash


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The once-friended daughter walks paths I cannot even comprehend. I do not know most of what happened aboard the fleet of ships that I was asked to help support. Frozen in place, frozen in shape, when I was asked, I admit it now: I was afraid to make things worse, afraid to be asked to help, once aboard, and be even less useful than I was during those breathless, frozen weeks.

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This is what happens when one removes change from a changeling: she loses all ability to do anything but focus upon what she cannot do. Perhaps in time, I would have adjusted; perhaps in time, I would have discovered other abilities. I did not have that time when asked. I wasn't able to step back and realize that even my same pair of hands might have been of aid.

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I didn't realize a lot of things. Some I'm paying for now; some new mistakes now are mine to keep; some new blessings are mine to treasure. It goes both ways, good and bad, healing and damaging, and sometimes, both sides are the same.

It's a test of ultimate will
The heartbreak climb uphill
Got to pick up the pace
If you want to stay in the race


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So now I run in place, waiting for a break in the crowd ahead. It will come; I have faith; but in the meantime, I keep moving. I keep running. One step ahead of dissolution, two steps towards redemption, on the path and headed true.

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Or so it seems, at least. Self-doubt is the least of my worries, but I could be wrong. I could be making mistakes right and left, irrecoverable ones, but I go where I'm called, do what I think I must, and get through each week, each hour, each day, in limbo or on the grid, and slowly, slowly, set down the pattern of my life.

More than blind ambition
More than simple greed
More than a finish line
Must feed this burning need
In the long run...


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There's oddity, I admit that. Sometimes I feel blind, as if I'm trying to inch my way out of the dark. Sometimes I feel I'll go mad if I don't get a cheat sheet--all the answers in advance, so I won't have to search for them anymore.

That's not the way life works, though. Any life. I do know that.

From first to last
The peak is never passed
Something always fires the light that gets in your eyes
One moment's high, and glory rolls on by
Like a streak of lightning
That flashes and fades in the summer sky


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Maybe it's a problem of too many choices. Maybe it's a problem of unrestricted options. I know friends who would tell me, everything would be simpler with simple changes. Have one, not some. Have some, not all. Hearts, they've told me, they're only made to love one at a time.

But I know that's not so. I know I can love platonically and romantically, I know I can love more than one. I know it's true, I know it's my truth. It's a truth that is the heart and core of everything I believe.

Your meters may overload
You can rest at the side of the road
You can miss a stride
But nobody gets a free ride


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And everything I believe is not wrong. Everything that has formed me, each experience, every good thing, every bad thing, that has gone into forming my bones, my blood, my heart, my soul--I cannot believe I have made wrong choices at every turn.

No one could. No one ever could.

More than high performance
More than just a spark
More than just the bottom line
Or a lucky shot in the dark
In the long run...


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It's not the first time I've said this. Why don't I hear it each time? It's not the first time I've come to this place. This place is very familiar. So why, I ask, brow furrowed, face worried...why do I keep asking this question over and over again?

Am I expecting the answers to change?

You can do a lot in a lifetime
If you don't burn out too fast
You can make the most of the distance
First you need endurance
First you've got to last...


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For those who have asked, the Kurotsubaki hunt for the dark circus outfit is still going on, but it ends on the 21st, in the afternoon. Find six apples hidden--all next to some variation of a little circus staffer-doll--here. Enjoy the off-key music, the slot-for-prizes machine, and Kurotsubaki's version of rides while you're there.

And the Carnival of Doom, part of the Rezzable collection of curious sims, is preparing to shut down. Open since before the advent of Havok4, many of the rides broke when the new physics engines came online. But enough remains active, and the atmosphere's so uniquely bizarre, there's still enjoyable things to do.

Don't eat the corn dogs. Do check out the freak show. Don't get hit by the falling Ferris trams. Try not to die. Unless that's the point, in which case--there are lots of ways to get injured, in the Carnival of Doom. It closes August 1st.

[Insert from the Editrix: I am WRONG in this! As the one named RaR says in comments, the scripting issues are being fixed, and it is NOT going away!

[Yay!]


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Otherwise, I'm ready. I see the track, I've been in preparations for this, it seems, at least half my life. Two years on the grid and counting, more than enough time to get the point.

I get the point. Let's go. Let's run this race. I'm ready to see what lies ahead.

(Lyrics are taken from Rush's Marathon.)

2 comments:

RaR said...

carnival of doom is not closing--not sure where you got that from, but it is not correct. There have been a lot of scripting issues, but scripting guru Al seems to have sorted most of them out now. So--Hell is waiting for you...get there before the Lindens fill it up!

Emilly Orr said...

Seriously?!?

Oh, MAN, that is such a relief!

I know there are still a lot of broken rides, but at least part of that might be by design at this point.

On the other hand, this 'rumor' that y'all were closing? Brought in a ton of us that might not have gone, so that's actually been a good thing!

I'll be sure to make that correction.