Saturday, February 2, 2008

so deceiving is the clouded heart

Surprising, isn't it? You're still pushing through. What are you still moving for? Why don't you just give up? What keeps you going?

The ones I love.

The ones you love...Tch. I knew you'd say that.

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Determination, then. Will to survive. To rage against the dying of the light. And that's the truth.

You think that's truth? This is truth: all your pretty words mean nothing. Truth is death. Truth is dead.

Death is a truth. Not the truth.

You can't put qualifiers on truth.

People do it all the time. I do it less than some.

More than most.

Only when necessary. But I also divide between small truths and large truths.

You'll never learn.

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Me: I can't believe there is no way out...
Agony: You'll find you are wrong
Me: You fill me with doubt...
Agony: You were never that strong


You're not that strong. You'll never be. You're not the biggest, not the wisest, not the best. What have you got?

I endure.

Not good enough. Not good enough by half. What else?

I stand.

Not so well these days. What else?

I love.

You love. As if that's so important. And always back to that...

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Agony: I am pain
I am the wound that never heals
It's all in vain
No compromise, no deals...


Enough, just enough. Just...let me breathe for a while.

As if it's that easy. But tell me again, it amuses me.

I am not alone. That's what you want to hear? Well, it's truth, again. I am not alone.

Of course you're not. You have me. And I know exactly what to say to keep you down. Tell me you don't believe me.

I believe you. But I refute you.

You'll never learn.

From you? Gods, I hope not.

Me: I can't believe this is the end
Agony: It's written in stone
Me: Where are my friends?
Agony: You have always been alone!


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Don't think, for a moment, you'll get away from me. Don't think, for a moment, you'll stop listening.

Don't you think for a moment I don't know you're there. Don't think I don't know who you are.

Who I am?

Yes. Who you are. I know who you are.

You know nothing. You've never known, you've never been able to learn. Not the simplest of the simple lessons. I've been watching.

Doesn't matter. I know enough. I know you. I've been watching, too.

Who am I then?

You're doubt. You're insecurity. You're hateful, spiteful, willful. Cruel.

You don't know a thing. You haven't learned anything. You don't know enough to even know how little you know.

But I do know. I've always known. I've always known. You think you hide that well?

So who am I, then?

You're me.

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Me: I can't believe there is no way out...
Agony: You'll find you are wrong
Me: You fill me with doubt...
Agony: You were never that strong


You think so? Tch. You think you know so much.

I know. Yes. I know this, I know you. I've always known you.

Arrogance. You think all the voices in your head are you?

No. Just you. But you're not staying.

You can't stop me. Especially not if I'm you. You can't do anything.

I can stop listening.

You're not strong enough to stop listening. No one is. None of you are. You are so very very weak at times...

I'm not strong enough to stop listening now...but give me time. Give me time, I will be.

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You're not strong enough to deny me.

Concentration: Wind through willows. Paper-crackle of autumn leaves. Swirl and eddy of tidepool waters....

You're a fool if you think that will work.

Meditation: First fiddleback fern's unfolding. Starshine on the midnight sea. Touch of the beloved's hand on mine...

You won't be able to stand it. You'll have to face me.

Perception: All my days. Through every tick of every clock that's ever struck a chord. But I don't have to let you win.

You won't be able to stand against me. Weak and pitiful, crawling thing. What have you got?

I have my loves. I have my friends. I have my memories of love as well as loss, of joy as well as pain, and I have strength of will and survival etched on my bones. And I will rebuild. And I will come back stronger.

Love: I can't accept this, we will find a way
Out of this cesspool of doom and dismay
Beyond this dejection there's beauty and grace
A glorious future we long to embrace


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I win.

(Lyrics are Ayreon's, from their concept album The Human Equation, this being a bit over a third of "Day Three: Pain".)

3 comments:

turnerBroadcasting said...

some friends of mine and I were discussing pain. is there a way to institutionalize it, or to do it in such a way that you can't feel it.

you come back stronger. but you will feel less.

some things are simpler than they appear. not everything. just some things.

you're better off with RHCP

[I saw a little girl ]
[Words she said were something beautiful]

Sumie said...

Miss Orr, are you really hurting that bad? Do you let the darkness speak to you like that? I find that very sad...

You are so talented and funny. I love it when you are on the group chat, and look forward to it.

And now I see you have a snake form (well a naga, I suppose). I LOVE snakes! You're so awesome!

xxoo
Sumie

Emilly Orr said...

Turner: no. Just know. You come back stronger on the surface, but you come back cold. That's not the answer. Some things must be endured, and you cannot know great love, great joy, if you cannot feel great pain.

Miss Sumie: I thank you, I thank you very much. I'm humbled and honored. The point of this--of much of the Train Wreck, really, when considered objectively--is to show myself, if no one else, whom I'm listening to, to light a candle in the shadowed spaces, and accept that I'm the one responsible for putting it out, or letting it shine.

It's harder, the examined life. It sounds silly, but I get tired of thinking about every decision, when I used to just react and accept the consequences. But again, I wouldn't change it. I am learning, if slowly, who I am, what I am, and I am rebuilding.

Posts like these, well, they're part of that. But they're mostly for me.

Thank you again.