got some feeling coming back

Well, this is going to give me nightmares. (Seriously, this is disturbing content. Not nudity, per se,, and not gore or violence, really...It's just skin-crawling, disturbing AI images. Be *warned*.)

Also, uh, hi again. I have about ten drafts waiting to be finished, that I planned to finish, and then the days ganged up on me again. Bah. If anything's not time-critical, I'll do my best to backdate, but only by a few days, not the month before, or the month before that--when I was supposed to pull my act together and toss them in as entries.

Anyway, soooo.....currently I'm at Harvest of Souls, which I still think of as a "newer" event? My brain thinks it started after SABBATH--or Ritual--but definitely not past Salem or...bah, what's the other name...I know it's not Trick or Treat Lane, because they've been around FOREEEVERRR...Gods, October's going to suck this year, EVERY event is planning on opening, it seems...



"You may ask yourself, 'Well, how did I get here?'"

Though that's not really my main question. I'm actually trying to avoid the main question, which circles around between "I haven't updated since WHEN?!?" and "If I'm going to stand around in world, by myself, for six hour stretches of time while I'm distracted to the point of getting nothing done in RL, either...am I really needed in world?" That one...I'm going to have to deal with at some point.

At some point. But not today.



"Little fish, big fish, swimming in the water..."

Today I'm at the event. I may do an entirely separate entry just walking around and capturing really fun landscaping. But I do look like I dressed for the booth, weirdly, and I hadn't seen it before porting to the event. What's actually in the booth, for sale, is /Vae Victis\' "Cernunnos" Monarch Antlers. It's now entirely redone mesh, all original work by Grimoire Hexem, and I'll get around to reviewing that hopefully soon!

[[Insert from the Editrix, sadly AFTER publishing--I am a complete FAILURE, I have forgotten how Vae Victis is spelled, oh, the horror and tragedy--but, err, the names have been fixed. My deepest apologies. When I'm more awake--the Editrixing is taking place late at night and one day forward...as is tradition...I'll check the keywords on other entries.]]

This is not going to be my usual exhaustive review. also. I know there are three places to change the color scheme, the jar itself, the trim along the jar edges, and the edges of the crack that the souls are trying, so very hard, to break through. Each can be tinted fourteen different tones, though I fully acknowledge that the booth's red light (along with the red facelight I'd forgotten I had on), means you're not getting that good a look at the options.



"I have my scars, you have yours..."

And, of course, we're only mentioning tangentially that having a migraine for a day and a half may have impaired some of my ability to brain and take pictures. Still. (This is not me asking for sympathy, either. My brain and I are not on speaking terms at the moment--it knows what it did--but that doesn't mean I'm trying to add stress and worry to anyone's plate. Yes, the Eternal Headache is still there, and why yes, the migraine was laying over it--but it doesn't matter. The headache is just that--mine.)



"Walk on water through the swamp..."

I can't even say for certain which color combos I used. My notes were scattershot. I did say this:

"The jar I'm holding, by the way, is one of the hunt prizes. Fourteen colors for the jar, fourteen for the trim, and fourteen for the broken edge that reveals trapped souls yearning to be free. Broken things can be very pretty, and this is, oh, so very pretty."

So yes, that's worth a mention. The Harvest of Souls event is having a scavenger hunt, of sorts. It requires a hud and tracking down and getting information from the residents of Hallow's End, where the Harvest of Souls can be found. Don't worry, there's only five town residents you need to talk to, and the hunt HUD is free, so why not take your chance to get hunt pretties? Including the soul jar.



"But what would you say if you were given one chance to say it?"

I remember this color set, though. This was me playing solely with hot pink and teal. Those are the vaporwave settings, apparently. And if you hadn't noticed (because I'm now noticing that in the pics, it's a bit hard to tell), this is another hand-held floaty thing. I have a soft spot for floaty things in general, and hand-held floating things specifically. So I'm overjoyed that it's their hunt prize.



"There's a red horse pawing at the door, in the hurricane of hands that I've ignored..."

So, that's the pitch. You want to see cool, innovative designs from some very cool, innovative designers? This is one of the places I'd suggest. Sure, I plan to go to Trick or Treat Lane when it opens, and of course I'm going to meander through the available October hunts...but I really liked the feel of this place. It's not "Boo, I'm a ghost, gotcha!" moments, it's not tons of blood and gore--it's, dare I say this, subtle. And comforting.



"Swallowing such sweet sorrow down..."

No, wait, I did forget one thing! Arkhive's back! Yes, Mesmer Macabre's personal brand has resurfaced, and this one hasn't gone to the bloggers yet, so I may have to count pennies. (It might not be sent my way anyway, because when Arkhive closed up, I left the group.) Either way, it is a lovely, lovely thing and I wannnts it. L$450 currently at the Harvest of Souls; likely more if you wait until it hits the mainstore!

And did I mention the antlers from /Vae Victus\ are L$500 at the event? Well, expect that in a future entry. I can say that Arkhive's spiffy staff will work with the spiffy staff AO from /Vae Victus\. Synchronicity is nice.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a river calling. If I catch a fallen autumn leaf, can I ride it all the way to Gearhaven? Let's find out!

running out of time, better get out or get in

So, remember forever ago, when I said I'd be following up the /Vae Victis\ geta post with the rest of the shoes...that I've still been collecting, because I am an obsessive muffin...? Anyway, yeah, that's now starting to happen, but it'll be a while before it's all graphicked up for posting.

Something else did happen, though:



Ah, right. That thing I never celebrate came up. But this year I actually received an email from the Lindens?

And, of course, to follow that:



Yeah...For some reason the email, and in particular the image above, completely kicked the stuffing out of me for three weeks. No idea why. Maybe that I found myself appalled that the "average" SL resident visits 100 regions. That's almost criminal, the grid is WIDE. Same thing with the teleports.

But the last thing, I just do not believe. There have been times I thought I logged out, and didn't, and I come back to lots of blinking IM windows. Totally my bad. But I have never, not even once, left my computer on, running, and logged in 135 days. Not. Possible.

But the bigger reason I sunk into the tarn was...761. That's the number that's been ringing in my head, and it's more advanced now than in July, when the actual rez day, and the "My Year in SL" pic, happened.

That's over two years. I've had the Eternal Headache (and that name is comically apt at this point) for over two years.

And...that...that was kind of a lot.

So I'm working on remantling, and working--harder--on accepting the Headache is now a feature, not a bug. So goes all flesh, et cetera.



But hey! The Garden's been revised in Tannhauser Gate Station! That's good news, right?



Yep. Just peachy.

everything falls out of focus, you walk through the door

So I'm frantically trying to get through as much as possible of the Shop and Hop before I fold up for the time being (and yes, I know, I KNOW, I should have been done by now!) and finally reached Aluveaux Technologies. And their gift--shown below--is a universal door plug-in:



And I got all excited. Granted, Tannhauser Gate Stations has iris doors, but still! Sounded potentially neat!



Okay! They put up a build, showing how the doors work! Though, come to think...this one doesn't seem to have doors in it...



Oh. ...Oh. Well, that's...unfortunate...

So some bugs in the system yet. Pity.

and you'll read your Erasmus on park lawns again

[19:45] Grimoire Hexem: no problem, sorry for the inconvenience
[19:46] ɐɹpuɐxǝlɐ (misssuicide.marshdevil): hi its me im the inconvenience its me :P

Soooo. The astute among you might have nooooticed a small change on the blog...in that it's reverted CLEAR BACK TO CONTEMPO so I have to start from scratch. I have one guy saying, hey, you could just convert to Wordpress, buy a cheap domain, I could host it for you--and while it sounds good, in theory, I don't think he understands exactly how much I'd have to port over. Some of the original blog images are already lost to time because I can't remember where I shunted them off to! Plus with hard drives dying right and left...it's a whole thing. A whole huge, ungainly thing.

But it will be fixed in time! I am working out how to do that since I managed to completely erase the changes I'd made to TRY and update the thing which hadn't worked so far and did I mention there's an anniversary I never wanted coming up? I am scarce but a fortnight from two...full...years...with the Eternal Headache.



Just so.

Well one other brief diversion:

[16:48] sxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: nice body
[16:48] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Thank you.

This was how "nice" the body was, by the way, when I was picking up something at Stiff. (Actually, strike that--this was the pic taken when I was at Dollholic.)

Then I got a friendship offer. So I pulled the profile.

The entirety of his SL bio is confusing:

I am Arab. an usa I like dealing with upscale people. I do not like dealing with people who are slaves to money. It is better for a person to be a slave to money than that.

So I asked. Of course.

[17:04] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Hmm. You really need a first life pic.
[17:04] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Now, is your 'slaves to money' line including shopping addiction, or do you mean, you're not crazy about anyone who spends Lindens in SL at all?

I didn't give him a ton of time to reply on this latter section, because I did have an elsewhere to be, as it happened.

[17:07] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): yeahokayfine, I'm needed in RL, so have a good diurnal/noctural span of time.

He's new, as in two-weeks-on-the-grid new, so I didn't want to spend the time it would take to really track down what about the Pripyat fashion doll he really loves, so let's just call it a weird moment and move on.

[[Note after publication from the Editrix: Few days later, I just switched the entire template back to basics and selected Soho Neon as the working template until I could figure out what to do next. Thing is...there may not be a next? I'd love to change the banner, and the background, but a friend told me my blog, which had been loading like molasses in winter for months, is now nearly instantaneous on load. So...we're here for now, I guess.]]

and that's when the world seemed to stop (part two)

First off: the entry for the Typhon Monstrous Adorned Horns entry has been updated. Not a lot of changes, but in going back through it, I realized I'd left out a link for /Vae Victis\ (the mainstore}, Abnormality (their coming soon page, because the next Abnormality round is in August, two months away), and I realized I never got back to the Vineyard Terrace information cards on swamp biomes. In a very tangible sense, swamps are the natural representation of liminal space.

Continuing from yesterday...



We're starting with the second set of panels from the run, and...wait.
Did...I not have more panels to show off?? I mean, I know the last picture from yesterday was another multi-shot, but...I could have sworn I took more pictures...

A...pparently not! I just chose to show off some of the insets in the squnched-short version.

Well. These are AT THE MAINSTORE BY NOW, and--having tracked them down in the meantime--I now know they run L$450 for the set in store. (Which, I should mention again, includes both the short-tall and the REALLY tall versions, plus each geta has the choice of plain or etched panels, in the colors so chosen.

I must love the sound of deadlines swooshing by.

Next up: something unofficial I decided to do on my own--who DOES make the highest heels in SL? Tune in...uh...whenever I post again?

and that's when the world seemed to stop (part one)

Today...is the day. Or at least today will be a good start? Maybe a good start. I have no idea, I'm standing in the cam sim for this round of Cyber Fair.



This may not be the full line-up-and-comparison shoefest I had planned? I now own at least a third of the really high and/or really weird platforms on the grid, so I really want them shown off SOMEwhere. And might as well run the demos while I'm at it, because I'm certain sure I'm not going to keep ALL of them. Demo or actual platform, that is a LOT of weird fetish footwear to dump in my inventory! (Azoury and Madame Noir, I'm looking at you.)



So first off, I forgot to do a thing. I like to show whatever it is straight out of the box, untouched--so to speak. This time, I didn't, because I so rarely use the flat-footed option for Maitreya these days, there was a lot of height adjusting that seemed necessary. So, out of the box, added, considered, tinted shades to match the whole frosted oiran look, then--even though these are the shorter version--I shortened them further.



Ten colors for the hanao (the padded straps), ten colors for the dai (the angled, wooden flat piece in traditional geta), and a full twenty-two colors for the ha (the raised stilt portion). And each pairing there features a plain wooden stilt, or one that's the same tone, but has an inset with either etched art in the wood, or ink-painted motifs.



Ooh. I feel dizzy all the way up here.



Now, adjustments, color changes, and panel art!



Well...four pieces of panel art. This took me a LOT longer than I thought, so this is not all the etched or painted panels on the Daitengu geta, and I'm hoping to get to the rest tomorrow! It's now far too close to four am for my liking, so I'm off to rest the injured brain and everything it's trying to control. See you for part two!

remember to breathe

I last posted in MAY?! Void stars, I'm losing my grip.

(Also, I still maintain Christianity would be on the rise if they listened to Reefer Madness's take...but I digress.)

So, what's going on? I am deeply delinquent on reviews. Events are opening at speed. It's getting darker, and I've forgotten what sun feels like on my skin.



In the meantime, a lot of thinking goes on when there's thinking at all, with intermittent static and snippets of strange commercials. But I'll try to do better about updates.

If I can.

(Oh, and this may be the first year in more years than I want to think about...where I don't cover Hair Fair at all. I have a lovely windblown long hair from Truth, and a starkly impractical, but beautiful, headdress from Azoury...and I only have those because a friend dragged me through one sim. So...yeah. Not getting that done is going on the pile with all the other things I'm not getting done.)

took my breath away, knocked me flat on my back

Emotions get heavy from time to time. Our fears, our worries, general anxieties over our situations, our relationships, employment, the world...It can take a toll not just on us, but on those that care for us. That heavy weight, dragging down everything we do...

Welcome to the Vineyard Terrace.



This is not going to be the typical review (I mean, do I give typical reviews? But I digress); even so, the "Typhon" horns have earned their descriptives--they are very adorned, and they are monstrously oversized.



Straight out of the box, unmodified in any way, they barely fit me. This is not to say only men can wear them--anyone can, if they're drawn to these. After all, find a way, or make one--so make sure yours are modifiable.

Everything Vae Victis sells is, after all. But it does present a challenge--because they have crystal gems depending from rope drops, so that seems to point in a direction for 'gravity'. And yes, this is SL, there is no gravity when not dealing with physical prims, but even there, it's just programming that causes the drop.



Apparently, some of the information boards will give notecards! That's a nifty feature.

I mean...you know, I really had a point when I started out on this. The heavy weight of emotions, of hearts, of even unattached things, because things have their own unique dragging weight (as anyone who still has a storage room filled with boxes well knows). But...

I mean, the information boards. Solid info on swamps, and swamp ecosystems, how they act as water filtration, trapping many chemicals and metals before the water runs clean again...and they had another feature, which I may return to and make another entry--because as I walked past, the info boards rezzed into visibility. I clicked for the card, read through it, and moved on down the path...and the board faded back into invisibility.

As I said, very nifty feature.

And as it turns out, I thought this dark navy was a dark green, for the current avatar tones--but, hey, navy still works.



Before the third picture, by the way, I reduced the horns down by -20. They are still huge, but I think they fit a bit better. (On me, mind.) But I should also point out something else--the colors are...not the expected ones, let's say, on the tinting HUD.

Some are the colors we expect--smooth, even tones layered over the mesh. Some...arent', showing up as ombre tones, or lightly burned tones, or something else entirely from what we've come to expect. This is not at all a complaint--far from it. There's so many color variations to play with.



I am loving PBR Materials, while we're shooting through the window of this little swamp shack--the patterns you see on the inside of the metal bars? Those move when the light source changes--so, clouds drifting by, birds passing between the 'sun' obscure in their own way...



Neat, innit?

[[Yeah, no, I was WAY off on this one. PBR hadn't been implemented yet, this was just Advanced Materials lighting. That's my bad. Still cool, but PBR is an entirely different animal.]]



And say hi to the trio of HUDs for all the options. With a codicil (which, rats, I forgot to show): the slide panel on the bottom of the far-right HUD. That one controls, if I'm remembering correctly, the settings around each gem, the cuffs, the metal accents that link up the ropes--then, simply click that little sliding buckle, and there you are with all the settings for the gems.

(I freely admit, I didn't take the most careful notes. I was too enchanted wandering the sim, so my initial mordant reflection on trials and tribulations never had a chance. I had forgotten how...it's going to sound odd, but...serene swampland is. And this sim may do the best job of capturing it in SL--the slow lap of water against piers, the brief splash of a fish (or a gator, depending) farther from shore. The little chorus of tree peepers calling out to each other through the brack.)

The one thing I do know is you should check out the picture of Grim wearing them. And looking perfectly unbowed. You can find them in the /Vae Victis\ booth at Abnormality's current round. I'll update this when I traipse over at my next opportunity!

[[As I'm putting this together to publish, something about the structure of the horns, the bases, with the planes of Grim's skull...likely nothing but a fancy, but--that reminded me pwerfully of Lord Darkness, from 1985's Legend. So, y'know, if anyone feels like striding out on human--skull sized hooves to seduce a lady into killing a unicorn...These may be your horns.]]

I have tangled things thoroughly, and I never meant to

Text of a card I just sent out to a love:

Sooo...I want this to be a short breezy capsule response, but...

Okay. Vague causes worry. So, I haven't fallen again, though there have been some near misses, but towards the end of Aprille there was a severe pain ramp-up. And I thought I could just wait it out, and then get back in touch with people.

And..Aprille became May. And May became mid-May. And pulling open the IM window so I can send this and/or talk to you...it's been over a month since I said anything!

I am so, so sorry. Yes, a lot of it can be attributed to just--head pain scatter, or concentration scatter, and I'm beginning to accept that these may be long-term things. But the bulk of it has been waiting--apparently in vain--for the pain levels to drop back down to...well. What I consider "normal". Normal it's not, but my usual state of ow-everything-hurts-why.

Along the way, I did talk my doc into a trial run of oxycodone. Unfortunately, I live in a town on the west coast that is considered "drug-seeking". I have done *everything* in my power not to have that label go into my file, up to and including taking the MOST conservative doses possible on new meds, and then ramping up--again, conservatively--on dosage if needed.

And I'm being insanely conservative with the oxy, too. I get 20 pills every time it's refilled, and if I took it according to package directions--"every six hours as needed for moderate pain"--I'd be refilling it every six or seven days. I'm only taking a pill when it's that or drink three cups of chamomile tea and go back to bed. And try to sleep.

But *all* of this is explanation, not excuse. I don't have one. I should have reached out, even if it was to say, 'hey, there's an incredible amount of ow, sorry I haven't been in touch'. I...well, as usual, I didn't want to worry people--which makes people worry more, and I really should connect the dots on those by now.

I love you. I'm sorry. Still working on the pain thing.

Em

race to slip into whatever fits you

I know. I KNOW. It's a problem. I get it. I think I've worn a hollow in my back from the amount of times Ive been kicking myself.

Also, you ever have one of those moments where you suddenly realize why your online aesthetic (and, occasionally, RL aesthetic) is the way it is?



Ohhhh. That explains some things.

For the rest...still working on some things in the background, and trying to muscle the brain into the slightly less well-worn tracks of "this is what we're dealing with now" instead of staying on the very well-worn tracks of "if the train's going, then we're going to be just fine".

Nobody ever said you couldn't lie to yourself.

Which leaves us with the image I created, to use...somewhere. Might as well be here.

Let me preface this by saying, I'm not Christian. I don't care if people are; if people aren't; if people discard the whole faith question entirely. "Live your life the best way you know how, and don't hurt people when you can avoid it" has been my daily struggle for years now.

But, there is a point where my tolerance ends.



If any reader recognizes the notecards this maker is including in all products sold, or the text over the angle on the draped cross shot (seriously--are we supposed to buy that whomever shot this, shot it on their knees? Or that we're on our knees looking up?) with more exhortations to repent--well, I did my best to anonymize. But I have a huge problem with this.

And if this maker happens to notice this--hi, there. Happy you're happy and all, but getting the notecards and the cross photo in every single goddamn product box is draining to the extreme. Stop.

Because this? This is against your own friggin' religion, what is WRONG with you??

Think I'm kidding?

But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words.
~~Matthew 6:6-7, New King James Version

There are other passages, and there are some who say the four named "follower" chapters (plus the fifth, generally unacknowledged) are closer to fiction than "reality" (and...I'm sorry, that's just comedic gold there), and sure, there are points to be made. And I'm not even that fond of the New King James version, but what it lacks in congeniality, it usually makes up for with (at least fairly) unambiguous language at times.

This is why I make the distinction between Christianity and Churchianity. This is why I make the distinction between the faithful seeking fellowship, doing the best they can, and...well. EVERY SINGLE EVANGELICAL MORON OUT THERE. And yes, I did--and do--mean every single one, and a large segment of their congregations as well. If you're a preacher on stage, and you need a rock-arena level sound system so you can broadcast to the people one entire football field away from you--I'm talking to you. If you're a pastor who's exhorting your followers to buy you a private jet--I'm talking to you. If you're a mega-pastor who wants your congregation to front the bill for two, no, three, no, four private jets--I'm talking to you. If you're the guy onstage saying that "someone" should just round up all the gays and the transsexuals and put them in camps, or better yet, in graves, oh, you had best BELIEVE I'm talking to your ass.

And I have hit my limit. Do I like a lot of her designs? Yes. But they're all going into the trash, and from now, not going back to her store. If I have to make notes and buy the mesh templates and make my own to wear, I WILL DO THAT rather than deal with YOUR PUERILE BLEATING ON YOUR NEOPHYTE FAITH.

Or, to put it another way--if we're talking, and religion comes up, sure. Feel free to tell me. But if I'm just wandering through your store and you scream and tape a flyer on how cool Jesus is to my face--at the very least I'm walking out, if not walking away from the smoking hull of your firebombed parcel.

Done with it. Just done. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

but isn't it nice when we're all afraid at the same time?

Waking in the wee hours to news of another death, and not even one of mine. Following it down in a winding spiral to a song from AFP. Ten minutes of beauty. Ten minutes of devastation. Five minutes of tears that I fought against shedding, because this loss, on top of other losses, too many deaths in this year already, and the year before, and the year before that...

everyone's too scared to open their eyes up
but everyone's too scared to close them

And what do I have to top that, really? A changed body, a changed brain, a changed perspective. Growing fearful where before I was--well, if not fearless, then certainly stoic, and still looking forward instead of back.



"And it's a ride," Amanda sings. "It's just a ride..." That it is. Life, experience, love, that's all it is. Partnering so we have someone's hand to hold, teetering at the crest. Sitting with family, created, acquired, growing, introducing them to the concept of safe fear, because we know it will help them process real fear, later.

Same principle behind horror media, really.

everyone's reading the rules of engagement
and everyone's starting to doubt them
everyone's reaching to put on a seatbelt
but this kind of ride comes without them

I'm remembering one episode of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, where he came in from Outside, removing his work coat and his work shoes, exchanging them for his softer cardigan, slipping his feet into more comfortable sneakers, and preparing the lesson for the day. All the little routines viewers had become accustomed to--the door opening, his easy, guileless smile, the short walk down the short stairs. It was ritual, in a way, practiced to give his audience time to unwind with him, become open to his next words.



The episode I'm thinking of, though, is sadly one they no longer run in syndication. Because in this one, near the end of all the calm routines, when he raises the top of the aquarium to feed the fish--he finds one of the fish has passed. Floating belly-up, its small fins no longer moving, its gold-scaled body no longer swimming in idle loops around the tank.

And it's a small, quick moment, expressed in microcosm: his eyes subtly shifting, his shoulders tensing, then relaxing. Nothing a child viewer would catch, even, though rewatching that episode as an adult, I see the signs more clearly. Thrown--just for a moment, a handful of quick seconds--before he pulls back to teacher mode. Finding the best path to turn this into education, pitched in ways his viewers would best understand. And whatever the lesson was going to be, it was set aside for the lesson he had on hand: telling children across the country about what death is, what death really means. That it's nothing to fear; that it's okay to feel things about it. That our emotions, as children, sometimes feel very big, and very scary, but that that was okay, too. Death was just a thing that happened, to all of us. Death was a natural departure in this case, and accepting that was part of life, too.

It's just a ride. And we've got the choice to get off any time that we like...



It is the great equalizer, after all. The commonality of death. The universal experience we'll all have at some point.

Right?

everyone's trying to stay on the side
where the water's just boiling more slowly
frogs in a pot, well that's one thing I've got
at least some of the frogs in here know me

It's not a comforting song. It wavers, ever so slightly, an off-balance calliope, making music for whomever's listening in the shadows...or maybe for the shadows themselves. Her voice breaks at times, the pain in the chords palpable.

And it's not the first time I've heard it, I've had this album, There Will Be No Intermission, for years now. But reading on her latest loss, while listening to this song...it sank deeper this morning. The lightest touch of midnight's chill gracing air already warming, the beginning days of May already lurching towards summer's thick, leaden heat, and I'm reminded yet again of the cyclical nature of loss.

I want you to think of me sitting and singing beside you
the chain pulls us up and we know that we're all gonna dive

And stupidly, pointlessly, thinking on my own. Because it's not in the same league, is it? I'm alive. The world hasn't done me in, yet. That's acres away from mourning an entire person. And yet...ringing the changes. Because there *have* been changes. Six hundred and fifty-plus days, now, with the headache that never leaves me. I'm less sure, now, on the other side of that. Less brave on the other side of that. Definitely, after these months, cascading through a year and still going, less stable on the other side of that...

Possibly more stubborn. But at this point stubbornness is a feature, not a bug.

But we all go down, yes, and we all go down...and see what the ride's made us into, this time.

I want you to think of me sitting and singing beside you
I wish we could meet all the people who got left behind
the ride is so loud it can make you think no one is listening
but isn't it nice when we all can cry at the same time?

But what else do we have, really? What choice do we have? Isolate, or integrate; pull back or push forward. Strengthen our relationships, or let them slip away.

and as we switch from side to side
everything is gonna be just fine
everyone you love is gonna die...

Yeah. Whether you believe in heaven, or reincarnation, in nothingness or continuation, this is all we have. This, right here, right now. Ride's gonna stop sometime, so until then, we make the best of the ups and downs, the scary descents and the link-by-link ennui of elevation. And we can make the choice to be happy in those around us, knowing that they're in the same place, in cars ahead or cars behind. Maybe we'll walk out with them hand in hand. Maybe we'll never see them again.

It's up to us to do the good in the world that we can, because everyone's just trying to hang on for the next drop.

the alternative's nothingness
might as well give it a try...

What have we got to lose, after all? It's just a ride.