Saturday, July 30, 2016

it took the death of hope to let you go

I have been painted as wrong by others before. This is not new for me. I have been painted as cold, deceitful, ruinous to hearts and reputations, uncaring, insensitive...the list goes on, I'm sure, for those I've hurt in the past.

This also is not new for me.



What may be new...what may be very new...is feeling both the villain and the victim of the piece.

That...that, I think, is very new, and I'm still unsure of how to react.


All that I know for sure is that I cannot react as I did before--I cannot pull away, hide in the hills, shut down all forms of all communication and stay, frozen and still, until there are no thoughts to think that are not dead and dust. I owe too many for too much, and I am part of the world again. I like being part of the world again. I want to stay a part of it, acting within it, learning and growing and changing with its seasons.

So I cannot pull away. But the victim in me wants to hide, and lick her wounds, and heal in privacy; the villainess in me wants to build a tower, and climb to the top, and cast lightnings to the distant ground. Neither are the reactions I want to have; neither are the reactions I need to have.

And neither are the actions I need to take.

For now, I wait and see, wait for answers, wait for prophecy to tell me where I will be next. My path is clear; that I don't want to take my first steps on it is only my hesitancy talking, my wounded heart begging to hold back. Nothing is final until it's final, and...these days, not even then.



But some actions, once taken,
are irrevocable. I want to be very sure, this time, before taking them. No more takebacks. No more hesitation. It's not up to me, after all. And all I have to do is watch for ashes on the wind, or wait for the roses to bloom. No more questions, then. Just answers.

And actions.


And my Hair Fair coverage sucked this year. I think I'm done with trying to feature every single hair seen, it's just not working anymore.

Friday, July 15, 2016

where there is desire there is gonna be a flame

Ah, Hair Fair, how I love and hate you...

So the demo packs are pretty much coming in no sort of order, so I'm just unpacking as I go. This run: Tableau Vivant, adoness, [bade], Rowne Salon, little bones, and [NANI].

So this is Carrie from Tableau Vivant:



It's...I've never been fond of top-knot styles, but for one, it's not bad.

This is Charlotte, a two-part braided style, shown in blonde:



This does seem a little odd with the sloping up towards the back.

And this is Miranda, shown in black and blue from the Color Fades hud:



Windy day hair? You're covered. Short, spunky, fun hair? Also covered.

Next up, adoness, with Astrild. Strangely, the color on the hair is deep red, but the colors for the shaved hairbases included were only black, brown and white. (Though they do say the hairbases are tintable?)



Cleto came in brown:



And Iphito in blonde:



Is this going to be the year of the fauxhawk?

[bade] is a male hair salon, natch, but I'm trying 'em anyway. And the first one would go well for unisex: this is Clint in the bright ginger carrot tone:



Reminds me a bit of Helena Stringer's designs, but simpler.

Jamie's also pretty good as a unisex. I'm showing it in a deep cherry with some shine:



I like how glossy the hair texture is.

Ronald also works as a short, choppy unisex style. I decided to show it off in silver-grey with roots:



In fact, Samuel is the only one that really doesn't work as well for girls, too:



Then Rowne Salon with their three styles. This is Leila, in a shade from the Light Brunettes hud:



There's a little gapping on the scalp with the demo; again, I'm hoping it was just the lack of an included alpha layer.

This is Skylar in a shade from the Dark Brunettes hud:



And this is Yasmine, dyed from the Reds hud:



Then we have little bones, who sent along a video preview which is stunning in two separate ways: first, how far we've come in terms of representing models and runway shows in Second Life, which is pretty amazing, and second--these are professional models, I'd assume, and none of them have an ankle lock so that their feet don't look broken?!?

Anyway, my only problem with the video, really, was they didn't identify the hair shown. Rats.

So here's Babe, tinted from the Chromatic color hud:



And Babylon, tinted from the Dip Dyes and Fades hud (apparently the bright pink section is their version of a demo):



This is Pose, dyed with the Melange hud, and I learned something when trying it on:



Note eye pastie. Part of the occlusion box, or the in-built alpha layer, or something, blocks out part of the mesh dress. This is VERY BAD, little bones, VERY VERY BAD. Emi not like. Emi not want. Emi--as well as any other female--cannot wear on G sims, which Emi does visit shopping from time to time!

And finally Zelda, which you get two pictures of:



because the first picture looks normal, save for some scalp showing, because little bones doesn't believe in including alpha layers...but THEN:



THIS HAPPENS. The same damn alpha occlusion hiding part of the dress! Please, little bones, for the love of all gods, FIX YER DAMN HAIR. This is ridiculous.

And I can't remember what dye set I used on Zelda. But the bobby pins come in five different shades, so...that's kind of cool, at least?

Last, [NANI], with Nini in blonde:



And Sophie in bright lavender:



Lita is not shown, because I can't find where the picture went. Not off to the best start this year.

(The usual end rundown: I'm in my Maitreya Lara mesh body, with Noellia skin [cleavage/red brows] from 7 Deadly Skins, lips from the Holiday Gloss pack from SN@TCH, eyes from Inkheart, they're Janus in Heaven, and the dress--when it shows up--was from Soulglitter. I think it may have been a group gift.

(My Windlight settings are Canimod.)


Friday, July 8, 2016

I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am



Silence lifted last night. Still not sure if it's a good thing. I know if silence descends again, it won't lift, for any reason.

Or so I tell myself...

Is my heart too tender to hold the line? Am I too gullible to keep from getting sucked back in? Was it unintentional? I thought it was my choice...was it? Confusion doesn't help me, but it seems to be all I have.

So...I guess I wait and see. Wait for the next wave to come in, and see if it sweeps me far from shore, or back to land. We'll...see.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

calling me, calling me, as you fade to black



Stasis. That breathless sensation of waiting. For the other shoe to drop. For contact to resume. To be sure contact will never resume. Waiting to see if I've become another chapter in the ongoing legend, instead of my own person, with my own flaws and reasons.

Stasis. Waiting. The fearful dread, watching the horizon. Watching the skies. Planes or pianos, what will it be this time?

Stasis. Clinging to what is, trying to release what was, and waiting to see what will be. Dark anticipation, hopeful cynicism, eventual reaching for recovery. Finding all the pins beneath the skin, learning which ones to pull out and which to leave in. The waiting. The waiting. The horrid waiting.


Monday, July 4, 2016

but still you wake and know the truth: no one's there



"Just because you miss someone, that doesn't mean you need them back. Missing is just a part of moving on."
~Mitch Cuento



Sunday, July 3, 2016

and it doesn't seem to me we're each others' better side



Some actions we cannot take back.
Some things we cannot fix.
Some things we cannot unsay, or undo.

I'm sorry.


Friday, July 1, 2016

so I learned to listen through silence



(I still don't have the words, so I make bad art. Full version's up on deviantArt, not that it's any better.)