Saturday, December 30, 2017

I want trees instead of gravestones, nothing to confess

Today marks the end of the doll. The end of many things, in a sense, but mainly, the doll, and everything she stood for and functioned for. There is some melancholy, but honestly, not as much as I expected.

Let me explain.

While I had the doll significantly before I had the relationship that partially centered around it, the doll that relationship grew. And when I broke up with that person, and moved on--for the, well, first time--the doll remained bound to that relationship. I didn't feel I could freely interact, as the doll, with anyone other than that person. Now, that may be a my-head thing, I do have a lot of odd issues concerning people, love, relationships, that can get fairly arcane, me, I held to the standard initially set: No one else plays with the doll.

In a sense, I'm still holding to that standard, which is why I chose to pack her away over just deleting her.

Now, as we're on the verge of the second break-up (in a sense; it's...complicated), I realized I couldn't function as the doll past this point. She was too interwoven with that particular dominant. She was still reserved solely for that person's use, and...if I'd kept out the doll, and all the EGL/Lolita would have been a constant irritation, a thorn reminding me of all that had been lost. I will have those reminders anyway, to be sure, but...this way, I satisfy my own reservations about being the doll again, as well as that part of me that says she's only for one doll-maker.

There is a sense of loss in this, though. I wish we'd been able to work things out. I wish we'd been able to reach an accord. There is no accord, and past this point, I'm not entirely sure what happens. So much of the rest of my life, both on and off the grid, is still interwoven with that person. In terms of how I spend my time, the things I do with friends, there's a lot of interaction. And in a very real, and now, very uncomfortable sense, I don't want things to change because of this on a friendship level.

But it's very difficult to make the transition from lovers to friends. Even though we've pretty much been friends only for over a year, it's still going to be difficult. And as much as I may want the transition to be simple, painless, likely won't be, and...I have to accept that.

Relationships fade. People move on. It's never something we can shrug off and simply discard, if they meant anything meaningful to us in the first place. I want to remain a friend, because I have been friends, and more, for most of my SL life...but if it cannot be, I will have to adapt. That will be hard on both of us.

But this has to be done. Past today, no more doll. No more keys. No more collar. It took packing away and subsequent deletion of 5,360 items to get to this point, and I'm not going back. No more. No. More.

I will regret that this ended, especially in such a sad way, but...I can't let that stop me. I've done what I can. Now it's time to move on.

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