Sunday, May 22, 2016

is there a chance you may change your mind? or are we ashes and wine?

"The writing drought is over, at least for now."
Or, at least, until life went boom again, both on and offworld, my aetheric engine's main drive died, one of my RL partners had elbow surgery, and various other things went wrong or sideways.

And then...something else happened.

Hagalaz ring from Silver Achemy Jewelry on Etsy.
Hagalaz, the coming storm. Hagalaz represents the hailstorm, damaging, brutal force, but force that sweeps away what must be destroyed in order to bring fertility and life to new things. It will bring life, it will be a boon to creativity and growth, but it will do so through sudden, inevitable, unavoidable devastation.

This particular ring is through Silver Alchemy Jewelry, and retails for $57.55, exclusive of shipping.
I'm not going to go into that right now. I'm still not sure if I have the words to say what went wrong, and why. But I'm now dealing with the aftermath, a bare handful of days later. I'm picking up from there.

[00:48] XXXXXXXXXX: Well, if you want, you could come over here. I will promise to be a good boy.

There's heavier anonymity on this one than others, even though those who know me and the person in question will know to whom this refers.

[00:51] Emilly Orr: I'm...not sure.

Because so much went wrong, so fast, and I'm still unsettled, disturbed, uneasy in all communications.

[00:51] XXXXXXXXXX: It's okay. I leave it up to you, but I'd like the company.
[00:52] Emilly Orr: I know. And I know you have good intentions, now.
[00:52] XXXXXXXXXX: Yeah, I know, monster.
[00:52] XXXXXXXXXX: But I will do my best.
[00:52] Emilly Orr: Not monster.

Eihwaz, the Yew.
Eihwaz is the yew tree, the spiritual center force. In a strong sense, it represents spiritual support, but it is natural support--the support of the tree's strength, the wind's power, the urge to grow and develop. It is not a rune to invoke lightly--it will protect and defend, but it will not discriminate between self and other, enemy and friend.

This particular piece of art came from Znachenie site, but I don't know if the art is original with them.
There's an unfortunate tendency with this person to polarize everything. It's not just okay or not okay; it's pure good or pure evil. Women don't have issues with him; they apparently hate him utterly, or are repulsed or disgusted by him. He doesn't make mistakes; instead, he's evil and a monster who causes nothing but devastating harm.

This is not the best way to live, but it's not my mind. I thought I was a black and white thinker, but he's proven to me that my world is a shifting, multi-hued monochromatic palette of opportunities and subtle inflections.

[00:54] XXXXXXXXXX: I will try not to be, at least.
[00:54] XXXXXXXXXX: Anyway, up to you.
[00:56] Emilly Orr thinks, then shrugs.
[00:57] Emilly Orr: Okay. Let's try a port.

At this point, he offered a port. I took it. My shoulders were tense, I was fighting to keep my breathing even. It wasn't easy.

After some initial conversation, we settled into single seats on a lounge.

Hand-forged Uruz pendant from Wulflund Jewelry.
Uruz represents strength and power, but without subtlety. This is male energy, determined to get what it wants, at any cost. Uruz is the bull, the aurochs, capable of quiet strength as well as rampaging, destructive power.

This particular pendant is sold through Wulflund Jewelry, for $12.13 exclusive of shipping.
[01:05] XXXXXXXXXX leans over and puts his head against your shoulder.
[01:08] XXXXXXXXXX: I still feel a little weird overall.
[01:09] Emilly Orr: You've taken a few upsets, it's understandable.
[01:09] XXXXXXXXXX reaches over and very gently touches your hair.
[01:09] XXXXXXXXXX: Yeah, but all I can do is try to keep going.
[01:09] XXXXXXXXXX: And try to work on my disguise.
[01:10] Emilly Orr: Or behavior.
[01:10] XXXXXXXXXX pulls his hand back.
[01:10] Emilly Orr shakes her head, smiling gently.
[01:11] Emilly Orr: I didn't mean for those two to be connected.

Even so, I tensed again when he touched my hair.

[01:11] XXXXXXXXXX: Oh. Okay.
[01:11] XXXXXXXXXX is trying to be careful.
[01:11] Emilly Orr: I know.

This is when pauses, at least on my side, started to get long, because...I was trying to figure out how to word things, without sounding like a complete coward, but also without sounding like everything was just fine now, and we were perfect. Because we're far, far from perfect at this point.

[01:13] XXXXXXXXXX: I like being near you.
[01:13] Emilly Orr smiles
[01:17] XXXXXXXXXX: I like your hair like that, but I like your hair down, too.
[01:18] Emilly Orr: I could change it, if you like.
[01:18] XXXXXXXXXX: I wouldn't mind, but I want you to be comfortable.

I found some hair that was, more or less, the color I'd been wearing before, just not in spiraled curls pinned into a low bun, but a drape of hair over one shoulder.

[01:22] XXXXXXXXXX: I know I've taken your hair down before.
[01:23] XXXXXXXXXX reaches over, gently, and slides his fingers into your hair.
[01:23] Emilly Orr shivers.
[01:23] Emilly Orr: You have.
[01:23] XXXXXXXXXX: I like making you shiver. As long as it's a good shiver.
[01:28] XXXXXXXXXX watches your face.
[01:28] Emilly Orr was deciding if it was a good shiver or not.
[01:29] XXXXXXXXXX: What did you come up with?
[01:29] Emilly Orr thinks it was, but she still feels...easily startled.

Thursa talisman from Menglod in Sweden.

Thursa, Thurisaz, the Thorn. This is the needle that sticks, the claw that slices, to release chaos, destruction, and fearful pain. This is one of the strongest protection runes, but any shield with Thursa in its center will, like Hagalaz, strike both the user and the enemy. Unlike Hagalaz' storm, which passes, Thursa strikes until there is nothing and no one left to strike against. If the querent pulls this rune, they need to face their most primal fears, or abandon what gives them safety and strike out on unknown paths.

This is a talisman made by Menglod, made of black reindeer leather and lacing, with an added magpie feather. It retails for $36.97, exclusive of shipping.
I still do. I'd given him the analogy in an earlier conversation, of thinking about coaxing a wild animal out of the woods, to feed out of his hand. How one has to be careful, how movements too rushed, or too large, can startle the animal away. He said then, he understood. Even now, I don't think he does.

[01:29] XXXXXXXXXX: I understand.
[01:29] XXXXXXXXXX puts a finger under your chin and tilts your face up towards him.
[01:30] Emilly Orr watches you, but doesn't resist.

What? No. What? Wait. Why am I not resisting? I'm not thinking I'm ready for...

[01:31] XXXXXXXXXX pauses, and brushes his lips very gently against yours, then pulls back.
[01:32] Emilly Orr shivers again, leaning in taking a bit to realize you've pulled back, and inhales slowly.

...okay, that wasn't terrible, I guess. Still a bit too close...

[01:32] XXXXXXXXXX cups your cheek with his hand, watching your eyes, not moving any more.
[01:33] Emilly Orr: What do you want, [XXXXXXXXXX]?
[01:33] XXXXXXXXXX: Right now? I want to kiss you.
[01:34] Emilly Orr breathes, then nods slowly.

So, there was kissing, which I wasn't entirely sure I wanted. I'm not including it because I'm writing this pretty much off-the-cuff, trying to figure things out.

[01:39] XXXXXXXXXX pulls back after a few more moments, looking at your face, his arm curling gently around your waist.
[01:41] Emilly Orr leans in against you, tenses a bit, breathes through it, and relaxes again.
[01:41] XXXXXXXXXX frowns a little, and pulls back.
[01:42] Emilly Orr tilts her head, watching you.
[01:42] XXXXXXXXXX: Too much?

Hell, yes. FAR too much. Ask me again in a few more days. Ask me again in a week. Ask me again in a friggin' month, now is too soon, so yes. Too much. TOO MUCH.


[01:43] Emilly Orr: Conflicting impulses.

was what I said. Cue aggrieved sigh at self.

Nauthiz run from TheWitchesMark on Etsy.

Nauthiz represents emergency, crisis, immediate problems that need to be addressed. Crisis situations can pull our focus tight, can make us capable to climb mountains, organize search parties, fight back and win...or they can trigger past experiences, and cripple us, until we refocus our intentions and choose to move forward.

Force and pressure are contained in Nauthiz. Force can break us, or it can make us stronger. But Nauthiz is the rune of pressure points, pulling out where we are weak to teach us how to be strong.

This version of the rune is made out of oxidized copper, and is sold by The Witches' Mark for $45.00 exclusive of shipping.
[01:43] XXXXXXXXXX takes your hand. "Tell me about them?"
[01:44] Emilly Orr holds your hand. "I know, if I say no, and you don't accept it, I'll just log off. No discussion, at least not for tonight. And I know you didn't bring me here for sex, least, I don't think you did."
[01:44] XXXXXXXXXX: Say no to what?
[01:45] Emilly Orr looks up, meets your eyes. "But...part of me wants to fall back into pattern. Climb into your lap and...And I don't know if that's a good impulse, or a bad one."
[01:45] Emilly Orr: Hmm?
[01:45] Emilly Orr: Well, anything, really. I mean, not 'want to go outside', or something trivial, I mean, if you pull me into a sexual pose, and I say no, and you don't stop.
[01:46] XXXXXXXXXX looks straight into your eyes. "I won't lie. I'd love to be inside you, right now.. But no, it's not why I brought you here."
[01:47] Emilly Orr nods. She knows. She felt it in the kiss.
[01:48] XXXXXXXXXX: I sure as hell hope you did, or I'm doing it wrong.
[01:48] Emilly Orr smiles.

His problem is, again, polarized thinking. He's either terrifyingly insecure, or massively arrogant. I could have dealt easier with insecurity.

[01:49] XXXXXXXXXX: I brought you here for us to sit together and try to work on building a little comfort back.
[01:49] XXXXXXXXXX: I won't pull you into a sex pose. Is a cuddle okay, though?
[01:49] Emilly Orr thinks about it, then nods.
[01:50] Emilly Orr rests against you.
[01:50] XXXXXXXXXX leans in and kisses you again, slowly and warmly.
[01:51] Emilly Orr cups your cheek, kissing you, softer brush of her lips to yours.

Falling into old patterns. Falling into old patterns while feeling this startled, this unsettled. It wasn't good.

It was also approaching two AM, though. While I had been going to bed at three, I've been trying to adjust to sleeping at two, because of the new schedule the others in my RL life want to keep. I explained this carefully.

[02:01] XXXXXXXXXX: Aha.
[02:01] XXXXXXXXXX: Well, I'd like it if you'd stay a while longer, but I napped and you probably didn't.
[02:02] Emilly Orr: Not a lot, no. And today saw us rising at nine.
[02:02] XXXXXXXXXX: Okay. Do you need to go, then?
[02:04] Emilly Orr thinks a bit, and then nods.
[02:04] Emilly Orr: Probably.
[02:04] XXXXXXXXXX: Okay.
[02:04] Emilly Orr: But I didn't have to run.
[02:04] XXXXXXXXXX: That's progress?
[02:06] Emilly Orr: I think so.

I still think so. Because I was prepared to run. I was expecting to have to run. Hells, I expected I'd have to just hit "log off" and hope I remembered on the morrow to log back in in my home base, not his cabin.

[02:06] XXXXXXXXXX: Good, then.
[02:06] XXXXXXXXXX will let you go, but first:
[02:07] XXXXXXXXXX slides his fingers into your hair and kisses you again, but this time he does it as hard as he's wanted to all night long, his mouth pressing strongly against your own.


But, as usual:

[02:08] Emilly Orr tenses on your lap, but kisses you, tongue licking the roof of your mouth, backs of her fingers drawing along the side of your neck.
[02:08] XXXXXXXXXX: Mmmmm. That's a nice way to end the night.

Not if he knew what I'd been thinking. Tensing, but then relaxing, because it's easier to move away with a relaxed body; and pulling the backs of my fingers along his neck, because I know how easy it is for me to change into cat claws and tear his throat out.

All of which brings me back to no, no, it wasn't a nice way to end the night. But, now, since I didn't say much of this aloud, he's going to think he's done well towards fixing things, and it's just a matter of time before everything goes back to the way it was.

And for my part, I'm now thinking perhaps I need to take a week away from SL, because if I'm not at the keys, then I can't respond to what he has to say.

Conflicting impulses? We're now past that. I think we're now in conflicting realities.

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