Tuesday, May 31, 2016

so it's gonna be forever or it's gonna go down in flames

There are times I love my new job at Sakura, and then there are times like these, when it baffles me beyond all comprehension.
[12:56] Emilly Orr: Greetings again.
I had met this fellow all but once previously, when he ported up to my skybox without my asking and I had to grab a towel quickly and turn the shower off. It was an odd introduction, to be sure.
[13:00] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Sxxx Cxxxxxxx] was talking about you
[13:01] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you addicted him
[13:02] Emilly Orr: Really?
[13:02] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and that he lost sleep thinking about you
[13:02] Emilly Orr: Oh, my.
[13:03] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you really shouldnt do that to men
[13:05] Emilly Orr: I'm honestly surprised I did.
I looked up the name given, and...I honestly have no memory of the man. If he was a client, I'm sure I only saw him once, but...once isn't enough to addict someone, is it?
[13:05] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: his wife has left him
What? Wait, no, what? How, exactly, am I responsible for this?
[13:05] Emilly Orr blinks
[13:05] Emilly Orr: I had nothing to do with that.
[13:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me that you made him feel so addicted
[13:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he had to confess to his wife
[13:07] Emilly Orr: I'd heard none of this.
Because really, this is going a tad bit far, isn't it?
[13:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it only happened one hour ago
[13:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: she left him
[13:09] Emilly Orr: I can't imagine how I made such a large impression on him.
I really can't. For certain, were it one of my patrons with whom I've invested time, attention, and seen more than simply once...perhaps, perhaps it would be possible to...to...well, entice them easily, let's say. I do not believe I can addict people with just a kiss!
[13:09] Emilly Orr: You're sure it was me?
[13:09] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: certain, he told me the details
[13:10] Emilly Orr mislikes sounding cold, but there's no image on his profile. She isn't placing a face to the name.
[13:10] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh gosh
[13:12] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he showed me the text
Well, that proves it, doesn't it? Save...what text? Obviously, text I haven't seen. How do I defend myself if I don't know what's been said?
[13:12] Emilly Orr: And of a certainty, if he had spoken to me about these feelings, there were things that could be done without him detonating his life.
[13:13] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you took his soul
[13:13] Emilly Orr: I did not.
I didn't, you take that back! Besides, I only have one soul, and the vampire who gave it to me gave it willingly. I doubt he truly misses it, anyway.
[13:13] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I feel really nervous talking to you now
[13:13] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: after I learned about the effect you had on him
[13:14] Emilly Orr: Because you fear I'm some sort of ...of evil enchantress, or something?
[13:16] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, a Succubus
[13:16] Emilly Orr: Preposterous.
Very preposterous. I mean, I have been called an evil enchantress, but I've never taken that seriously. And succubus?

...Well, there was that one time in Lumindor when the magics in the area turned, and demonic power rose, but...I got over that. And I mostly blame the succubus-seeming on one certain incubus I'd known of old, so...
[13:17] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you make me feel very nervous now
[13:18] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I have no idea what you are capable of with men
[13:18] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: but he is deeply troubled
Hmm. If he was that deeply troubled, why didn't he talk to me about it? This is too odd.
[13:19] Emilly Orr: This is all very strange. Plus, remember, I did not entice you into my web of entrapping...whatever, you came to me. Literally, poofed over my head whilst I was in the shower!
[13:19] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: that was before I heard his tale of woe
[13:22] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you can't entrance people that way
Wait...so, he was full-on in future seduction mode until he heard about this guy? One story--which may or may not be true--and now I'm anathema. I'm so confused.
[13:22] Emilly Orr: Prove this to me. I would not ask for a complete chat transcript, but something where he mentions me specifically would help.
[13:23] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Please dont ask this of me
[13:24] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am already troubled by his plight
I am beginning to suspect this didn't actually happen...
[13:24] Emilly Orr: But how else do I know this is true? There's no picture on his profile. Perhaps if you have a photo of him, that might help?
[13:25] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you must have a sense of the effect you have on certain types of men
[13:25] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: this poor guy was married to a boring wife
[13:25] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and you set him on fire with desire
I did? One session? If that's true, mayhap I should charge more. Or require signed consent forms.
[13:26] Emilly Orr: Should I apologize to him?
[13:27] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I would just leave it be to be honest
[13:27] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I will talk him through things
Of course you will. Because he may not actually exist. (Save for he does have a profile. With no picture. Hmm...)
[13:27] Emilly Orr: Well, this entire thing is so very confusing.
[13:28] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Please be careful around vulnerable men
[13:29] Emilly Orr: How on earth am I to know they're vulnerable beforehand??
[13:31] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont know the answer to that
I'd bet not. But I am now wondering about putting up a sign in my studio at Sakura, saying that I am not responsible for any feelings of obsession or addiction that may arise from time spent with me. Would that work?
[13:31] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: but this guy was truly spellbound by you
[13:31] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it was like he was walking around in a trance
Really? One hour with me, and he's a thrall, a husk with no will of his own? Really??
[13:32] Emilly Orr: Well, this is both perplexing and slightly unnerving.
[13:32] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you know what he told me?
[13:32] Emilly Orr: What?
[13:32] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you "took his soul"
[13:33] Emilly Orr: I do not take souls.
I don't. As I said before, I only have the one, and that was given to me. I don't ask for them, I don't remove them, I don't take them, and I certainly don't make men into zombies that cannot function. I mean, what's the point in that?
[13:33] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it was his interpretation of what happened ... all is interpretation you know that
[13:34] Emilly Orr: Of course, but...In all seriousness, if he was that addicted, as you say, why have I never heard of him since?
I mean, if one were a tormented, impassioned soul slaved to my wicked wiles...wouldn't you think he'd at least IM me now and again?
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: when I met you
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: the first time
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I felt your aura, your power
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and it slightly unnerved me
[13:34] Emilly Orr: Unnerved you?
What am I, Anita Blake??
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: because I knew if I took one step towards you
[13:35] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it would be so difficult to step back
[13:36] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: You are like a Siren
Really? Me? I'm a siren. I'm a mermaid singing sailors to their doom. The power of my...err, presence sucks the soul right out of them? Really, now.
[13:36] Emilly Orr: And yet you are intimates with our Beth. She does not...what is the phrase...seduce your soul?
[13:37] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I avoid getting too close to her
[13:37] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: she would [f**k] my mind up if I did
Well, that's certainly blunt. So she's a siren, too?
[13:37] Emilly Orr: Oh, but she's a sweetheart.
[13:37] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[13:38] Emilly Orr: You laugh because you think I'm wrong, or because you agree?
[13:39] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: She's a devil, a demon in a short denim skirt
[13:39] Emilly Orr: Oh my.
[13:39] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: with buttons up the front
[13:39] Emilly Orr: So she's a succubus as well?
[13:39] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: of course she is, you both are
[13:39] Emilly Orr: But you're more afraid of me.
Should I start wearing a warning label, or something? "Contents may be addictive"? "Warning: Dangerous to men, approach with care"? After all, I used to say openly on my profile that I was dangerous to hearts...
[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, I am because you get deep inside the folds
That sounds...filthy.
[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and never allow the man any escape
[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you consume him
[13:40] Emilly Orr: Nonsense.
That sounds...implausible.
[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I saw the text from that guy
[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you really [f**ked] with his mind
[13:40] Emilly Orr: I did not!
[13:41] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I know what I saw
I'm sure there's either something he wasn't telling me, or he was spinning this out from whole thread.
[13:42] Emilly Orr: I remember clients I've spent a good amount of time with, I even remember names of some clients from before I was with Sakura. The only ones I tend not to have strong recall of are those who only spent one night with me, a handful of hours, or even less than one hour.
[13:42] Emilly Orr: He has to have been in that latter camp.
[13:42] Emilly Orr: How could one sole hour have ruined him utterly? I disbelieve.
Because if this mysterious, intangible fellow was that easily entranced, then he ought not to have been allowed onto SL without a keeper.
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I got the sense he spent more time with you, but did not ask him for details
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: right now
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: there is no way I am putting my avatar next to yours
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am scared of you
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont mind admitting it
I do not understand why.
[13:44] Emilly Orr: Well, I will say it is a pity, for I will not lie; even after surprising me like that, you were attractive enough for me to sit and talk afterwards.
To be fair, even had he not said he was friends with Beth, he was very pretty...pardon me, I likely should say handsome, but "pretty" fits better.
[13:44] Emilly Orr: I don't usually make a habit of that.
[13:44] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I felt immediately attracted to you
[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you know that
[13:45] Emilly Orr: I thought that it was mutual.
I did, too.
[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I had a sense of a future destiny with you
[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: until I heard all of this
Future...what?? Wait, from 'I'm afraid of you' to 'We have a destiny together'? The hell is with this guy??
[13:45] Emilly Orr: Really?
[13:45] Emilly Orr: Yet...now you're turning away from that, out of...fear?
[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: no
[13:46] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am just going to take time to reflect
[13:46] Emilly Orr: Ah. Well, I was going to ask if you wished to remove me from your friendslist, if you felt so endangered. But if you're reflecting...well, I can offer to pull back a bit more.
[13:46] Emilly Orr: No longer greet you when I see you online, for example.
[13:47] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: will you take complete control of me if I come closer?
[13:47] Emilly Orr: Why would I want to do that?
Why would I want to do that? That sounds utterly dull.
[13:47] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: because you are dominant
[13:47] Emilly Orr: Hardly.
[13:47] Emilly Orr: Though I can attempt it, should a patron desire.
[13:47] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, that's what happened to him
[13:48] Emilly Orr: I took control of him?
[13:48] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
Because...of course, I did. Because that sounds so much like me. Is there another Emilly Orr on the grid of whom I'm unaware?
[13:48] Emilly Orr: You do know how odd this all is, yes? That someone was spinning that out of control over me, and I cannot fully recall him?
[13:49] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I have no idea what your response was
[13:49] Emilly Orr: I would like to think, were he that enthralled, I would remember him.
Because that kind of infatuation, usually, I hear from them more than just once, you know?
[13:49] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so what will happen to me if I come closer to you?
[13:49] Emilly Orr: I truly don't know. Do you wish to be dominated?
[13:49] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
[13:49] Emilly Orr: Oh.
[13:50] Emilly Orr: Really?
That threw me for a loop, admittedly.
[13:50] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: with you yes, with others no
[13:50] Emilly Orr: So, you are not by nature submissive.
[13:50] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I normally dominate
Now that, I fully believe. He didn't strike me, upon first acquaintance, as someone anxious and fearful; he struck me as someone confident, nay, arrogant in all things.
[13:52] Emilly Orr: Which I understand, but...you said you were afraid of me. While fear can spice interactions nicely, true, deep fear is not something conducive to domination of anything.
[13:52] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I need to trust you before submitting to you
Don't we all? But that's been a truth, at least for me--I cannot be submissive to anyone, even for pay, that I don't trust at least a little; and the same goes for dominance games. I cannot find it in me to control another's life, or at least body, even temporarily without trust.
[13:52] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: at the moment I feel very nervous
[13:53] Emilly Orr: Well, obviously. Trust is important, even for occasional things.
[13:53] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I feel that you want to entangle me, and draw me under your spell
[13:54] Emilly Orr: I don't think wanting you in my bed, and tangled in my arms is equivalent to drawing you under a spell.
Are we still talking about the same things?
[13:54] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so you dont wish to bewitch me?
[13:55] Emilly Orr: Do you think I should try?
[13:55] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you are already trying
[13:56] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I feel you surrounding me with silvery tendrils
[13:56] Emilly Orr: If so, it's nothing I'm doing consciously.
Silvery tendrils? Oh, flashbacks to Lumindor...but even there, I was using that manifestion of demonic energy deliberately. This seems something he's picking up that I have zero control over, and what's more, zero awareness of doing.
[13:57] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, I know it is entirely subconscious on your part
[13:57] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: your inner self is reaching for me
It is? It's like I'm trusting all this on faith, or...put another way, being led down a merry path of deception and subterfuge. Mayhap it's both.
[13:57] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: its a plane of immanence
[13:58] Emilly Orr: What happens if I do ensnare you?
[13:58] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont know, it really scares me
Why does something I can't even do terrify him so? I still don't understand.
[13:59] Emilly Orr: But surely, you're a dominant enough personality to avoid such untried attempts?
[13:59] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I guess I become owned by you
[13:59] Emilly Orr: Owned by...well, there's a rather stunning thought.
I mean, look. I'm much happier being spanked than doing the spanking, but given the right motivation, it can be quite enticing to dole out punishments and rewards to a partner instead. So it's not the worst scenario to own someone--in the general sense--rather than be owned.

That having been said, I still don't understand why he's so afraid of something I'm not even sure I can do, let alone do willingly. And to own him utterly, just from having him as a patron? I have my doubts.
[13:59] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am dominant and strong, but not sure if I can resist you
[13:59] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he was strong before he met you
[14:00] Emilly Orr: I am not a force to cripple unwary men. Truly, I'm not.
[14:01] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I know you dont intend to do it deliberately
[14:01] Emilly Orr: Well, I shall attempt to...restrain myself.
[14:01] Emilly Orr: Why ever not?
[14:01] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I think you will desire, truly desire to consume me
[14:02] Emilly Orr: I...well...that's not entirely untrue, but...only parts of you you will not miss?
*Ahem*. So to speak.
[14:02] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: what happens if I become totally addicted to you
[14:02] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: is that weakness of my part
[14:03] Emilly Orr: I...don't know. Before this conversation, I wouldn't have thought it was possible. I am not a drug.
[14:03] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: well, it seems you are in fact
Definitely need to work on a warning label.
[14:04] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you wear black lingerie to seduce men
[14:04] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: is that true?
[14:04] Emilly Orr: I do own black lingerie, but I own more in other shades.
Now I know this fellow's pulling my leg. No man would tell another man that.
[14:05] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so if a man develops an appetite for you in lingerie you deliberately enhance the effect?
[14:05] Emilly Orr: No, not at all. I simply like lingerie.
[14:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I have a huge fetish for ladies in lingerie
[14:06] Emilly Orr: Do you, now?
[14:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: especially nylon or silk stockings
It's all beginning to make sense...I think. This is his idea of flirting, or...something? But if that's so, who's the fellow in question who was so obsessed with me? Was he just a random name pulled out of a virtual hat?
[14:06] Emilly Orr has a few sets that would suit, yes.
[14:07] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you kept him permanently erect
[14:07] Emilly Orr: I did?
[14:07] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
[14:07] Emilly Orr: How would I do that?
Seriously. That's not even possible. Is that even possible? That's not possible.
[14:07] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont know
[14:07] Emilly Orr: I don't, either.
[14:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: few women can do that to a man
[14:08] Emilly Orr: Indeed. It sounds like a...sizeable task.
[14:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: unsurmountable in most cases
We'll fade to black at that point, even though little else happened; but this was the part of the conversation that mystifies me. I still don't know if I should contact the fellow mentioned, or leave him alone entirely; I also don't know if he's just an alt of this first fellow.

Men baffle me greatly on occasion.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

is there a chance you may change your mind? or are we ashes and wine?

"The writing drought is over, at least for now."
Or, at least, until life went boom again, both on and offworld, my aetheric engine's main drive died, one of my RL partners had elbow surgery, and various other things went wrong or sideways.

And then...something else happened.

Hagalaz ring from Silver Achemy Jewelry on Etsy.
Hagalaz, the coming storm. Hagalaz represents the hailstorm, damaging, brutal force, but force that sweeps away what must be destroyed in order to bring fertility and life to new things. It will bring life, it will be a boon to creativity and growth, but it will do so through sudden, inevitable, unavoidable devastation.

This particular ring is through Silver Alchemy Jewelry, and retails for $57.55, exclusive of shipping.
I'm not going to go into that right now. I'm still not sure if I have the words to say what went wrong, and why. But I'm now dealing with the aftermath, a bare handful of days later. I'm picking up from there.

[00:48] XXXXXXXXXX: Well, if you want, you could come over here. I will promise to be a good boy.

There's heavier anonymity on this one than others, even though those who know me and the person in question will know to whom this refers.

[00:51] Emilly Orr: I'm...not sure.

Because so much went wrong, so fast, and I'm still unsettled, disturbed, uneasy in all communications.

[00:51] XXXXXXXXXX: It's okay. I leave it up to you, but I'd like the company.
[00:52] Emilly Orr: I know. And I know you have good intentions, now.
[00:52] XXXXXXXXXX: Yeah, I know, monster.
[00:52] XXXXXXXXXX: But I will do my best.
[00:52] Emilly Orr: Not monster.


Eihwaz, the Yew.
Eihwaz is the yew tree, the spiritual center force. In a strong sense, it represents spiritual support, but it is natural support--the support of the tree's strength, the wind's power, the urge to grow and develop. It is not a rune to invoke lightly--it will protect and defend, but it will not discriminate between self and other, enemy and friend.

This particular piece of art came from Znachenie site, but I don't know if the art is original with them.
There's an unfortunate tendency with this person to polarize everything. It's not just okay or not okay; it's pure good or pure evil. Women don't have issues with him; they apparently hate him utterly, or are repulsed or disgusted by him. He doesn't make mistakes; instead, he's evil and a monster who causes nothing but devastating harm.

This is not the best way to live, but it's not my mind. I thought I was a black and white thinker, but he's proven to me that my world is a shifting, multi-hued monochromatic palette of opportunities and subtle inflections.

[00:54] XXXXXXXXXX: I will try not to be, at least.
[00:54] XXXXXXXXXX: Anyway, up to you.
[00:56] Emilly Orr thinks, then shrugs.
[00:57] Emilly Orr: Okay. Let's try a port.


At this point, he offered a port. I took it. My shoulders were tense, I was fighting to keep my breathing even. It wasn't easy.

After some initial conversation, we settled into single seats on a lounge.

Hand-forged Uruz pendant from Wulflund Jewelry.
Uruz represents strength and power, but without subtlety. This is male energy, determined to get what it wants, at any cost. Uruz is the bull, the aurochs, capable of quiet strength as well as rampaging, destructive power.

This particular pendant is sold through Wulflund Jewelry, for $12.13 exclusive of shipping.
[01:05] XXXXXXXXXX leans over and puts his head against your shoulder.
[01:08] XXXXXXXXXX: I still feel a little weird overall.
[01:09] Emilly Orr: You've taken a few upsets, it's understandable.
[01:09] XXXXXXXXXX reaches over and very gently touches your hair.
[01:09] XXXXXXXXXX: Yeah, but all I can do is try to keep going.
[01:09] XXXXXXXXXX: And try to work on my disguise.
[01:10] Emilly Orr: Or behavior.
[01:10] XXXXXXXXXX pulls his hand back.
[01:10] Emilly Orr shakes her head, smiling gently.
[01:11] Emilly Orr: I didn't mean for those two to be connected.

Even so, I tensed again when he touched my hair.

[01:11] XXXXXXXXXX: Oh. Okay.
[01:11] XXXXXXXXXX is trying to be careful.
[01:11] Emilly Orr: I know.

This is when pauses, at least on my side, started to get long, because...I was trying to figure out how to word things, without sounding like a complete coward, but also without sounding like everything was just fine now, and we were perfect. Because we're far, far from perfect at this point.

[01:13] XXXXXXXXXX: I like being near you.
[01:13] Emilly Orr smiles
[01:17] XXXXXXXXXX: I like your hair like that, but I like your hair down, too.
[01:18] Emilly Orr: I could change it, if you like.
[01:18] XXXXXXXXXX: I wouldn't mind, but I want you to be comfortable.

I found some hair that was, more or less, the color I'd been wearing before, just not in spiraled curls pinned into a low bun, but a drape of hair over one shoulder.

[01:22] XXXXXXXXXX: I know I've taken your hair down before.
[01:23] XXXXXXXXXX reaches over, gently, and slides his fingers into your hair.
[01:23] Emilly Orr shivers.
[01:23] Emilly Orr: You have.
[01:23] XXXXXXXXXX: I like making you shiver. As long as it's a good shiver.
[01:28] XXXXXXXXXX watches your face.
[01:28] Emilly Orr was deciding if it was a good shiver or not.
[01:29] XXXXXXXXXX: What did you come up with?
[01:29] Emilly Orr thinks it was, but she still feels...easily startled.


Thursa talisman from Menglod in Sweden.

Thursa, Thurisaz, the Thorn. This is the needle that sticks, the claw that slices, to release chaos, destruction, and fearful pain. This is one of the strongest protection runes, but any shield with Thursa in its center will, like Hagalaz, strike both the user and the enemy. Unlike Hagalaz' storm, which passes, Thursa strikes until there is nothing and no one left to strike against. If the querent pulls this rune, they need to face their most primal fears, or abandon what gives them safety and strike out on unknown paths.

This is a talisman made by Menglod, made of black reindeer leather and lacing, with an added magpie feather. It retails for $36.97, exclusive of shipping.
I still do. I'd given him the analogy in an earlier conversation, of thinking about coaxing a wild animal out of the woods, to feed out of his hand. How one has to be careful, how movements too rushed, or too large, can startle the animal away. He said then, he understood. Even now, I don't think he does.

[01:29] XXXXXXXXXX: I understand.
[01:29] XXXXXXXXXX puts a finger under your chin and tilts your face up towards him.
[01:30] Emilly Orr watches you, but doesn't resist.


What? No. What? Wait. Why am I not resisting? I'm not thinking I'm ready for...

[01:31] XXXXXXXXXX pauses, and brushes his lips very gently against yours, then pulls back.
[01:32] Emilly Orr shivers again, leaning in taking a bit to realize you've pulled back, and inhales slowly.


...okay, that wasn't terrible, I guess. Still a bit too close...

[01:32] XXXXXXXXXX cups your cheek with his hand, watching your eyes, not moving any more.
[01:33] Emilly Orr: What do you want, [XXXXXXXXXX]?
[01:33] XXXXXXXXXX: Right now? I want to kiss you.
[01:34] Emilly Orr breathes, then nods slowly.

So, there was kissing, which I wasn't entirely sure I wanted. I'm not including it because I'm writing this pretty much off-the-cuff, trying to figure things out.

[01:39] XXXXXXXXXX pulls back after a few more moments, looking at your face, his arm curling gently around your waist.
[01:41] Emilly Orr leans in against you, tenses a bit, breathes through it, and relaxes again.
[01:41] XXXXXXXXXX frowns a little, and pulls back.
[01:42] Emilly Orr tilts her head, watching you.
[01:42] XXXXXXXXXX: Too much?


Hell, yes. FAR too much. Ask me again in a few more days. Ask me again in a week. Ask me again in a friggin' month, now is too soon, so yes. Too much. TOO MUCH.

But:

[01:43] Emilly Orr: Conflicting impulses.

was what I said. Cue aggrieved sigh at self.

Nauthiz run from TheWitchesMark on Etsy.

Nauthiz represents emergency, crisis, immediate problems that need to be addressed. Crisis situations can pull our focus tight, can make us capable to climb mountains, organize search parties, fight back and win...or they can trigger past experiences, and cripple us, until we refocus our intentions and choose to move forward.

Force and pressure are contained in Nauthiz. Force can break us, or it can make us stronger. But Nauthiz is the rune of pressure points, pulling out where we are weak to teach us how to be strong.

This version of the rune is made out of oxidized copper, and is sold by The Witches' Mark for $45.00 exclusive of shipping.
[01:43] XXXXXXXXXX takes your hand. "Tell me about them?"
[01:44] Emilly Orr holds your hand. "I know, if I say no, and you don't accept it, I'll just log off. No discussion, at least not for tonight. And I know you didn't bring me here for sex, or...at least, I don't think you did."
[01:44] XXXXXXXXXX: Say no to what?
[01:45] Emilly Orr looks up, meets your eyes. "But...part of me wants to fall back into pattern. Climb into your lap and...And I don't know if that's a good impulse, or a bad one."
[01:45] Emilly Orr: Hmm?
[01:45] Emilly Orr: Well, anything, really. I mean, not 'want to go outside', or something trivial, I mean, if you pull me into a sexual pose, and I say no, and you don't stop.
[01:46] XXXXXXXXXX looks straight into your eyes. "I won't lie. I'd love to be inside you, right now.. But no, it's not why I brought you here."
[01:47] Emilly Orr nods. She knows. She felt it in the kiss.
[01:48] XXXXXXXXXX: I sure as hell hope you did, or I'm doing it wrong.
[01:48] Emilly Orr smiles.


His problem is, again, polarized thinking. He's either terrifyingly insecure, or massively arrogant. I could have dealt easier with insecurity.

[01:49] XXXXXXXXXX: I brought you here for us to sit together and try to work on building a little comfort back.
[01:49] XXXXXXXXXX: I won't pull you into a sex pose. Is a cuddle okay, though?
[01:49] Emilly Orr thinks about it, then nods.
[01:50] Emilly Orr rests against you.
[01:50] XXXXXXXXXX leans in and kisses you again, slowly and warmly.
[01:51] Emilly Orr cups your cheek, kissing you, softer brush of her lips to yours.

Falling into old patterns. Falling into old patterns while feeling this startled, this unsettled. It wasn't good.

It was also approaching two AM, though. While I had been going to bed at three, I've been trying to adjust to sleeping at two, because of the new schedule the others in my RL life want to keep. I explained this carefully.

[02:01] XXXXXXXXXX: Aha.
[02:01] XXXXXXXXXX: Well, I'd like it if you'd stay a while longer, but I napped and you probably didn't.
[02:02] Emilly Orr: Not a lot, no. And today saw us rising at nine.
[02:02] XXXXXXXXXX: Okay. Do you need to go, then?
[02:04] Emilly Orr thinks a bit, and then nods.
[02:04] Emilly Orr: Probably.
[02:04] XXXXXXXXXX: Okay.
[02:04] Emilly Orr: But I didn't have to run.
[02:04] XXXXXXXXXX: That's progress?
[02:06] Emilly Orr: I think so.

I still think so. Because I was prepared to run. I was expecting to have to run. Hells, I expected I'd have to just hit "log off" and hope I remembered on the morrow to log back in in my home base, not his cabin.

[02:06] XXXXXXXXXX: Good, then.
[02:06] XXXXXXXXXX will let you go, but first:
[02:07] XXXXXXXXXX slides his fingers into your hair and kisses you again, but this time he does it as hard as he's wanted to all night long, his mouth pressing strongly against your own.

NO BAD BAD THING NO NO NO STOP STOP NOW--

But, as usual:

[02:08] Emilly Orr tenses on your lap, but kisses you, tongue licking the roof of your mouth, backs of her fingers drawing along the side of your neck.
[02:08] XXXXXXXXXX: Mmmmm. That's a nice way to end the night.


Not if he knew what I'd been thinking. Tensing, but then relaxing, because it's easier to move away with a relaxed body; and pulling the backs of my fingers along his neck, because I know how easy it is for me to change into cat claws and tear his throat out.

All of which brings me back to no, no, it wasn't a nice way to end the night. But, now, since I didn't say much of this aloud, he's going to think he's done well towards fixing things, and it's just a matter of time before everything goes back to the way it was.

And for my part, I'm now thinking perhaps I need to take a week away from SL, because if I'm not at the keys, then I can't respond to what he has to say.

Conflicting impulses? We're now past that. I think we're now in conflicting realities.